


Code Black

by starboydjh



Category: Code Black (TV), Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Alternate Universe- Hospital, Code Black - Freeform, Doctors & Physicians, Drama, Family Drama, Hospital, Hospitals, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Phandom Big Bang, Phandom Big Bang 2017, Rape Recovery, Romance, also dan is a vegan bc god bless
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-20
Updated: 2017-10-20
Packaged: 2019-01-18 21:34:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 9
Words: 51,680
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12396666
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starboydjh/pseuds/starboydjh
Summary: “Code black: An influx of patients so great, there aren’t enough resources to treat them. The average A&E is in code black 5 times per year. St. Thomas’ Memorial Hospital in London is in code black 300 times per year.” Doctors Dan Howell and Phil Lester know all too well that when everything in the busiest accident and emergency department in England and their personal lives goes right, the most incredible of miracles can happen. After Dan bares the struggles of his past to Phil, a member of Dan’s distant and troubled family shows up as a patient in their A&E one night after years of silence, and life starts to feel like one long code black night in more ways than one.





	1. Geronimo

**Author's Note:**

> 51k words, a little less than a year of working on this from very beginning to very end, my soul, and one category five hurricane later we're officially done! Before we begin, mega shoutouts go to my beta Briana, my artist Skye, the squad two mods (especially Zoe), and one of my very very best friends Cele for being so amazing over this entire process. I am forever in debt to all of you for how incredible you are!

“Hi, I’m Doctor Lester. What seems to be the problem tonight?” Phil asked, clicking his pen open and smiling warmly at his patient. 

The hospital was in code black, as it always was, code black being the busiest it could possibly be in the public, NHS-funded hospital. There were always new people coming in and out of the accident and emergency department at St. Thomas’, new young doctors called residents, temporary doctors and nurses, patients...but none of them had caught Phil’s eye the way the pretty doctor with the brown curly hair had. Phil was sitting in the waiting room taking care of the quick-fix patients when he saw the tall, lanky figure walk past. As he was trying to watch him walk through the door to the main section of the A&E, he leaned over to look at Pretty Doctor, and before he knew it he’d fallen off his chair and the young patient he was treating was laughing at him.

The attractive doctor he’d been checking out rushed over to help him, handing him the ID cards that had fallen off when he’d landed. “Are you alright?”

Phil snapped out of his little trance and shook his head as he sat back on the stool. “Sorry, yes I’m fine. Um, I don’t think we’ve met before?” Phil said, an unintended air of question in his voice. 

“No we haven’t—today’s my first day. I’m Dan Howell, I’m the doctor they chose to fill the open attending physician spot,” Dan said, smiling at Phil. “And you’re Doctor...Lester right?” Dan asked, taking in Phil’s appearance. He was an attractive man, his high, sharp cheekbones and bright blue eyes framed by thick-rimmed glasses and capped off by box-dyed black hair that fell slightly in his eyes. His smile revealed itself as they talked briefly, lopsided and happy, with his tongue poking through slightly crooked teeth when he laughed. 

“Present and accounted for. So, who’s showing you around? Is it the head nurse Anne or the director Doctor Green?” Phil asked as he and Dan walked back to the doctors’ station so Phil could log his patients into the computer.

“Anne, she wouldn’t have it any other way I’m sure,” Dan said. “She’s basically my second mother. About ten minutes after I accepted the position she was calling me crying down the phone she was so happy.” 

“Well, before she gets here, let me be the first to say welcome to St. Thomas’ Memorial. Strap yourself in because this place is a wild ride on the best of days,” Phil said, shutting the file he was working on and smiling at Dan. “Let me give you a quick rundown of trauma one down here. See those three beds over there? That’s called center stage, that’s where people who’re at death’s doorstep go so we can bring them back. There’s a platform a few steps up above, behind the wall, where all the medical students and interns can watch what’s happening.”

“Stealing my tour from me, Lester?” a voice called from behind the boys. They turned around and were greeted by a stocky, middle-aged woman who was already bustling around the doctors’ station before even saying hello. She smiled warmly at Dan and opened her arms for a hug. “I haven’t seen you in almost five years and here you are back with me. Good to have you home, sweetheart. Now, come with me and I’ll give you the official tour. Don’t listen to what Lester said.”

“Hey, why not?” Phil joked along with Anne, pretending to act offended. 

“Because you’re not queen of this A&E, Phil, that’s me,” she said over her shoulder.

“And I’m sure she reminds you lot of that daily,” Dan joked, bringing out Phil’s contagious smile. 

Anne smiled at Dan as she caught him staring at Phil. “Phil’s a good kid, great doctor, and the sweetest person you’ll ever meet. A bit out of the box just like yourself—you two will get along quite nicely. I’m going to grab some of the residents and we’ll take a quick tour, sound alright?” 

Dan nodded. “Yeah, perfect. How many are there?” 

“Four, and as an attending you’ll be in charge of supervising them. This is a teaching hospital so we expect them to make mistakes and learn as they go. Try to steer them away from the delicate patients at first, just test the waters with them and see how they do. Follow me, we’ll go grab them now,” she said, bustling down the corridor with Dan in tow. 

There was a group of four young people, two guys and two girls, standing over by the entrance from the employee area of the hospital to the accident and emergency department. "Welcome new residents, to St. Thomas Memorial hospital. I'm Anne Williams, the senior A&E nurse and assistant director of the residency program here, and this is Doctor Howell, one of our attending physicians. Over a thousand doctors applied for your position at this hospital and you are four of the lucky group chosen for these residency spots. We’re partners with the world-renowned Angels Memorial Hospital in Los Angeles, which Doctor Howell can tell you all about some other time, because right now, we get to give you the grand tour of the epicentre of the hospital, the accident and emergency department. Follow us.”

The doctors followed Anne around while she showed them center stage, the “sides” of the A&E where stable patients and others who were waiting to be seen were kept, and the waiting room where Doctor Lester was back out treating patients who needed minimal care. “Now, when that board behind the doctors’ station says ‘code black,’ that means all hands on deck. The color code system is how we keep track of how many patients there are compared to us. Code green means light traffic, yellow is moderate, red is heavy, and black means all bets are off. For right now, the only time you residents are allowed to be on center stage is when you’re called there by an attending.”

“How often do you go into code black?” one of the residents asked with an American accent. 

“ _We_ go into code black just about every day,” Anne replied. “Since we’re an NHS-funded hospital, legally we can't turn anyone away, which makes for some interesting days and nights here.” 

-

About a month later, Dan was settling into the job much better than he’d expected. Everyone at the hospital was team- and patient-focused, the residents he was in charge of were attentive and intelligent, and of course, seeing Phil almost daily was a highlight. In getting to know Phil, they found they both had a lot in common. A few of their shifts each week lined up, and sometimes they would share a cup of coffee or an early morning breakfast together. 

Phil stopped Anne one day as he continued to watch Dan working on some paperwork intently by center stage. “Anne, I just want to make sure I'm seeing this right. Does Doctor Howell’s mug say ‘male tears’ on it?” 

She glanced at Dan and then back down at her own paperwork with a chuckle. “Yes it does. I’ve known him for a long time, and that’s a very good summary of his personality. He takes his work seriously, but he doesn’t take himself too seriously.”

“One more question, again I want to make sure I'm seeing this right, is he stirring his coffee with his finger?” Phil asked, his eyes falling to Dan’s long fingers and admiring how one of them swirled around in the porcelain mug. 

“Hot chocolate,” Anne corrected, “he doesn't drink coffee anymore. And yes, I swear he's a superhuman that doesn't feel pain or something. He does that all the time.”

“He's an A&E doctor who doesn't drink coffee? In my world, that’s practically blasphemy.” 

“It’s no secret around here that you ingest an unhealthy amount of caffeine. It’s a wonder your heart hasn’t exploded yet. Ask Howell about when he used to drink two quadruple espressos by noon when he did his work experience with a legal firm though.” 

“Not a doctor’s office?” Phil looked down at her with an eyebrow quirked up.

“Doctor Lester, might I remind you that you did your work experience at a veterinary clinic, and you passed out on your first day of your residency here. Now if you've gotten all your questions about the pretty new boy you have a crush on out of the way, follow me—we’re on sides tonight unless center stage needs us.” Anne finished her sentence by smacking Phil playfully in the chest with a folder. 

Phil could feel his face heating up with a blush. He stuttered as he followed after Anne. “What? I don’t have a crush on him!”

Anne laughed. “Sure you don’t,” she said incredulously. “I might be old, but I know you better than you think I do. I know and see everything my kids do before you do it. You’re acting the same way around Dan that you were around that nurse Josh you saw for a while—thank God that didn’t work out by the way. Dan’s much better for you. File I handed you is a tier three, female, 13 years old, broken left foot and sudden-onset bone infection at the break. Complaining of pain in the leg for a while as well.” Phil rolled his eyes at Anne’s playing matchmaker and nodded, opening the folder in his hands and glancing over it. He whisked back the curtain and was met with a pale-looking young girl and her mother.

“Hi there, I’m Doctor Lester. You must be Carissa,” he said, sitting on his small swivel stool and smiling at his patient and her mother. He pushed his glasses up a bit higher on his nose and looked back down at the folder. “So, we have a broken foot and some infection symptoms, huh? How’d this happen?” 

“Um, we started learning how to go up en pointe at ballet class tonight, and I did it wrong and hurt my foot.” She sounded scared. She had to be in a lot of pain, especially because of the possible infection, and her mother didn't look too happy with her.

“How long will she be out of commission? She's got an audition coming up for the Royal Ballet’s Nutcracker. It's vital to her dance career that she get this role,” her mum asked, clearly upset about it. Tiger mums were always the worst to deal with. 

“Well,” Phil started as he pulled on some gloves and examined Carissa’s foot. “Depending on how severe the infection and the break are, I’d say around eight to twelve weeks. From what I can see right now, the break doesn't look too bad. Nothing protruding through the skin, no major bruising, nothing that would tell me it needs any surgery. Based on where the swelling is and the way she was putting her weight on it, my best guess is that she probably broke it somewhere up in the middle of her second or third metatarsal, maybe in the growth plate as well. To know how severe the infection is I’m going to have to run an x-ray on her. We’ll get her queued up for one and have her patched up in a few hours.” He grabbed her file and gave it another quick look. “I just want to find out the source of the infection as well so I can know how best to treat it. Are you diabetic, perchance?” Carissa shook her head no. “Okay, so in that case the infection is probably bacterial. Anne, when I head off to call radiology could you pull some blood for me?” 

She showed Phil two vials of blood already drawn and labeled. “Always a step ahead of you.”

“Right, I forgot that joke is only half true,” Phil said with a smile. “Nurse Anne’s like magic, she knows everything we all do before we do it. I think she can read our minds or something,” Phil joked, hopefully calming Carissa down a bit. 

“Alright, cut it with the jokes and just fix my kid. What is this, your first day?” the mum snapped.

Phil pushed his glasses up again and stared at the mum in disbelief. Anne cut in for him, as she knew Phil wouldn’t defend himself against a mum like this.

“He’s been an attending physician here for two years, and we’re the best Accident and Emergency department in England. If you’re questioning one of my doctor’s ability to do their job, you can kindly find yourself another A&E, or you can let us work. We could fix a broken foot with our eyes shut.” 

After a few brief moments of silence, Phil awkwardly motioned to the phone on the wall behind the desk. “I’ll go get that x-ray queued up,” he stuttered, and when he noticed that Doctor Howell was using the phone, he almost tripped over his own feet as he walked over. Dan chuckled and hung up.

“Are you okay? That’s the fourth time you’ve tripped or fallen this week and it's only Monday,” Dan said, finger in his drink yet again. 

“Oh, yeah, I’m fine. Me tripping and falling is a regular occurrence around here.” Phil tried to form a complete sentence as he stared at the doctor standing in front of him. One of the nurses, Louise, walked past the two of them and muttered something about what Phil said being an understatement, which made Phil’s face heat up with a blush and Dan smile after her. He looked back at Phil and glanced down at the shoes he had on. 

“Cool shoes,” Doctor Howell stated matter-of-factly with a bit of a laugh. 

Phil was a bit confused for a few seconds, then he remembered he’d customized his trainers and put ‘cool shoes’ on the tongues of them. “Oh, thanks. A bit of stupid humor on my part to brighten up my day I guess.” He set the file in his hand down on the doctors’ station, flipping through it as nonchalantly as he could manage. “I like your mug by the way.” 

Dan laughed and smiled a lopsided, happy smile that made Phil’s heart skip a beat. “Thank you, that was a joke gift from a friend when I graduated from medical school. My entire life at this point is one big joke, so why not carry one around with me right?” he asked as he took his finger out of his drink and put it in his mouth, sucking the hot chocolate off of it. Phil had to remind himself that it was rude to stare, no matter how hot someone was. His mind jumped to places it really shouldn’t have in the middle of a shift, but he regained his composure rather quickly to answer Dan and finally call radiology to queue his patient up for an x-ray. What he actually said was beyond him, but as long as he didn't put his foot in his mouth too terribly, he was fine. 

While he was on the phone, Dan’s pager went off, and he ran towards the ambulance loading ramp. Louise immediately took his place. She practically vibrated with excitement while Phil talked to radiology, and when he hung up the phone she grabbed his shoulders and shook him.

“My Philly’s got a crush on Danny,” she sing-songed at him, her pink curls bouncing a little as she did. 

Phil tried to play it cool, but he always was a terrible actor. “No I don’t, what are you talking about?” he said, “and don’t call him Danny, he hates it.”

“I know, and you hate being called Philly too. That’s why everyone calls you that, Philly cheese steak,” she joked. 

“I’m not gross American food, Louise, I’m a doctor,” Phil deadpanned while he logged everything that had just happened with Carissa into the computer. “Don’t you have patients to see or something?” he asked, looking at her over his glasses.

“You age yourself about ten years when you do that,” she said with a laugh, shoving his shoulder. “And no, I don’t, I’m on my break right now.” She sat in the swivel chair beside Phil, kicking her feet and spinning around a little. “But back to your crush–”

“I don’t have a crush,” Phil insisted as he pushed his glasses back up on his nose and turned back to the computer. 

“Yes you do—stop denying it. Do you know if he’s gay too? Have you two met before or something?” she asked, looking over Phil’s shoulder at his computer. 

Phil rolled his eyes where she couldn’t see. “Yeah, all of us gays have a special app on our phones so we can track each other and know where every other gay is in the world at all times. No, I don’t know if he’s gay, but I can appreciate an attractive guy when I see one—that’s all. I’m too focused on the hospital for anything else right now anyways.” 

“Didn’t stop you with that nurse Josh,” she said, and Phil rolled his eyes again. “Weren’t you two engaged?” 

Phil faked a retching sound at the second mention of his ex-boyfriend’s name. “God, that’s the second time tonight someone’s brought that train wreck up. Close but not quite. I had rings, but after I found out he cheated on me I called it off. Good thing too because he’d been cheating on me since the beginning with another doctor. Remember that surgeon, Doctor Strathmore?”

“Josh cheated on you with Bryce Strathmore?!” she gasped in disbelief. Phil nodded. “Is that why he left?” 

“That’s why both of them left. I hear they're married now. Gross right? You better get up by the way—Anne’s coming, she’ll have your head if she sees one of her nurses sitting down,” Phil said. Louise rolled her eyes and bumped her shoulder into Phil’s. “Now if you'll excuse me I have to bring my patient up to radiology.” 

-

Phil waited for the x-ray to appear on the screen in front of him after Carissa and her mum had been brought back downstairs, tapping his fingers rhythmically on the table. “I don’t know, I have a bad feeling about this one. A break doesn’t usually trigger an infection within just a few hours.”

“What if the break is a side effect of something else?” 

Phil pressed his lips into a thin line. “Have you gotten the blood tests back?” 

Anne nodded. “Yes, and they were inconclusive for an infection.” 

Phil took his glasses off and groaned, rubbing his face and carding his hands through his hair. “Of course they came back inconclusive. Here, maybe the x-ray will tell us something. You can usually see bone cancer as white masses on the bones, right?” He put his glasses back on and clicked around on the screen a few times, pulling up Carissa’s x-ray. All the air rushed out of his lungs when he looked at where the break in her foot was. It looked completely normal, no signs of cancer or infection to be found, even though all signs were pointing to it. 

“We’re missing something here. If it is sarcoma then we’re missing something huge,” he said, sitting back and motioning to the screen. After a few seconds he sat up so fast he almost knocked his coffee over. “Wait, the pain in the rest of her leg. She’s a dancer, so they probably assumed it was a muscle strain or something, but what if that’s where the something huge is hiding? You tested her blood for infections, not for cancer. Run the tests again and look for cancer markers. I’ll order an MRI on her too. On the whole leg, not just on her foot. It could be on one of her other bones, and we just missed the actual tumor itself. Sarcoma develops on larger bones, not small ones like metatarsals. Whatever this is isn’t in her foot, it’s spreading from somewhere else.” 

Anne nodded and bustled out of the room, leaving Phil alone. He looked at the computer screen one more time and muttered to himself, “We’ll figure out what you’re trying to tell us, Carissa. I promise.” 

-

After another three hours of trying to piece together what was going on, they finally arrived at a diagnosis, and it was cancer as Phil had thought. Having to deliver that kind of news to someone so young was heartbreaking, and after shift change he sat in the staff room trying to decompress and process his own emotions. After a half hour of being alone, the door opened slowly and a familiar face peeked in. 

“Hey. I heard you had a bit of a rough night,” Dan said as he slipped into the room and gently hip-checked the door shut. He had two mugs in his hands, his own male tears mug and Phil’s mug with cat whiskers on it. “I know it doesn't solve all the world’s problems, but a spot of hot chocolate can't hurt right? I made it with almond milk, I hope that’s okay.” He handed Phil the drink and sat across from him, a soft smile painting his lips. 

Phil couldn't help but chuckle and say his thanks. “Have I ever mentioned you're the best?” he asked, locking eyes with Dan. 

Dan’s own smile got wider and he nodded. “Once or twice, yeah.” They sat in relative silence for a few more minutes, until Phil noticed something. 

“Wait, you're not in your scrubs. What time were you done?” 

Dan checked his phone and shrugged. “Like two hours ago. Anne told me what was happening with you and your patient. I figured you'd be wiped at the end of a diagnosis like that.” 

“You were on center stage all night and you're worried about me being tired?” Phil said in disbelief. The fact that Dan was more worried about him after the night Dan had was beyond comprehension. “Are you secretly a superhuman or something?” 

He shrugged again and smiled at Phil. “We’re doctors. Our job is to take care of others, and it seemed like you could use someone to take care of you tonight.” 

“Well, Doctor, your prescription of a cup of hot chocolate with a friend is just what I needed, I think.”

Maybe Phil did have a crush on Dan. And that was fine with him, he was still sure nothing would come of it. He wasn't looking for anything serious, but having a friend around the hospital who he could be his genuine self around was more than he could've asked for.


	2. Blood Bank

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _"That secret that you know, but you don't know how to tell, it fucks with your honor and it teases your head."_ \- Bon Iver

“What do we have?” Dan asked one of the first responders in the ambulance late one night a few months later. It was a rainy Sunday night, and it was coming towards the end of Dan’s second consecutive shift at the hospital.

“Male, eight years old, name’s Christopher. He got into a car accident en route here with his stepmum. Lacerations to the neck, possible broken rib and punctured lung. Intubated in field, thready pulse. Sats in the low 70s.” 

“Christopher, come on, show me those eyes, can you open your eyes for me?” Dan asked, on autopilot as he barked out orders to his team. “Everyone help me roll him to check his spine. Connor, hold his neck as if it’s detached because it very well could be and we don’t know yet. Ready? One, two, three,” Dan said, pressing his fingers up and down the boy’s back to check for a break. “Spine’s good. Back down on my count. One, two, three. He's got a significant stridor on the left side of his lungs—Troye, get a chest tube in on the left. Do you remember how to do a chest tube?” His adrenaline was through the roof, everything was moving at hyperspeed right now. As Troye was inserting the chest tube, he stopped abruptly, his face ashen and his eyes huge. “Doctor Sivan, what’s that face about?” When Troye didn’t respond, Dan moved around to stand directly behind him.

“It’s in, but it’s not emptying, nothing’s coming out. What did I do wrong?” Troye asked in a scared tone, not taking his eyes off the tube in his hands. 

Dan knew what had gone wrong just by looking at his resident’s work. “Hey, I want you to listen to me,” he said calmly. “You didn’t do anything wrong, you just hesitated. The tube is stuck in the fascia. What I want you to do right now is take the tube with both your hands, pull back and then push in as hard as you can. Ready? One, two, three.” Troye did as he said, and as soon as he pulled back on the chest tube and pushed it forward with a bit more force, blood started emptying into the collection tank attached. “There we go. Someone hang another unit of O neg, slam two of Ativan, and keep going with the compressions. It looks dire right now but we do not stop until I call it. Connor, check his breath sounds for me?” 

“Diminished but improving breath sounds on the left, diffused crackles throughout on the right,” Connor shouted. 

“Okay, so what does that mean?” Dan asked as he started a full workup as fast as he could.

“Um, he most likely has some kind of free fluid in his lungs? Pneumo of some sort?” Troye said hesitantly after he took a listen on his own. 

“Doctor Sivan, you're right that it sounds like pneumo, but do not hesitate when you're in here. Just like that chest tube you just did. Any hesitation for one second could mean the difference between life and death,” Dan told him as gently as he could manage. “What do we use to treat pneumonia?”

“Sats are in the 50’s, blood pressure’s 50 over 32,” someone beside Dan said, cutting off Troye’s answer. 

“Is that chest tube in?” One of the other young residents nodded. “That’s not good, pulse check?” 

“Thready but we still have something,” Hannah said from beside him. 

“Okay, then keep going,” Dan said, pushing rapidly on the boy’s chest. “Someone tell me what’s going on in the abdomen, did the anatomy shift from the crash?” When he was met with silence, he nodded towards the ultrasound. “Come on guys, don’t flood on me now. Remember to do a top to bottom exam as fast as you can. Someone grab that ultrasound for me, Hannah take over compressions.” He shuffled in between everyone around him while Troye wheeled the machine closer. “Get me a pulse check as well, tell me where we’re at.” 

“It’s weak, I think there might be a bleeder somewhere.” As soon as Hannah finished her sentence, the monitor started beeping erratically, the noise sounding like a shriek in the tiny space. Christopher’s blood pressure had dropped rapidly, his heart was barely beating, and immediately Dan started working even faster so he could get an idea of just what was happening. 

“Okay, he has a massive bleed in his right lung and a punctured liver, blood’s pouring into his abdomen. Someone get a second tube in on the right side in his third intercostal space. Someone else page OR and get someone down here immediately. Hannah, give me a pulse check.” 

The monitor flatlined when Hannah took her hands away, and everyone jumped back into rapid motion to try and correct the problem, but Dan knew that it was no use.

“Stop, everyone stop. How long’s he been down?” Dan asked quietly.

“Almost a half hour,” Troye responded in the same tone, his face blank and unreadable. Dan stepped away from the boy dejectedly, his face falling along with the nurses’ in the room. Everything had gone from fast-paced and frantic to still in a fraction of a second, everyone in the room trying to process what had just happened. Two of the nurses looked at Dan, their eyes wide. It was clearly the first death of a child this young they’d seen in the hospital as well. The steady blaring of the heart monitor seemed to mock him, telling him that he’d failed at his job. He was supposed to protect this child, help save his life, and Dan had failed. 

“Alright, I’m going to call it. Any objections?” When no one responded, Dan glanced at the clock on the wall beside him. “Time of death, 11:45 pm.” His voice broke the silence that had settled over the room, his tone stoic and emotionless. He pulled his bloodstained gloves off and tossed them in the bin, taking a deep breath and forcing himself to look at his team surrounding him. “I know this is hard, but we did the best we could, and that’s all that I ask you guys to do. Someone dress the body, his Dad’s going to want to see him.” 

-

Dan held his breath and knocked lightly on the door to the private waiting room where Christopher’s dad was. The space seemed too clinical, too cold, for what he was about to say. He pulled out the chair across from the man and sat down. “I’m Doctor Howell. I was put in charge of your son when he and your wife were brought in.”

“Nice to meet you, Doctor. I’m Andrew.”

“I’m so sorry to be meeting you under these circumstances Andrew. I want you to know we did everything we possibly could. Your son Christopher is gone.” 

Andrew’s face fell, and Dan felt like he could vomit. This shouldn’t have been happening, he didn’t do enough to save the boy, he could’ve done something. “Are you sure?” Dan nodded. “And what about Janette?”

“She’s stable right now, touch and go at the moment but we’re hopeful. Is there anyone else we can call, grandparents or friends?” Dan asked, to which Andrew shook his head.

“Has Christopher’s mum been called?”

“She’s stuck in traffic on her way here.” 

After a few more minutes of talking with Andrew, Dan apologized again and finally left the room. Dan felt like he was wandering through a weird fever dream, as if his limbs were made of jello and lead at the same time.

Dan stood behind the doctors’ station, his breaths shaking in and out of him as the chaos of a Sunday night in the busiest A&E in England continued to swirl around him. The flatline wouldn’t stop playing in his head, derailing any chance of regular thought. Anne’s hands gripping his arms gently pulled him back to reality.

“Talk to me Howell, panic attack?” she asked.

He shook his head. “Um, that little boy who came in here? Christopher, the MVA? I had to call it.” After a moment a sob escaped him, and sympathy flashed across Anne’s face as she pulled him into a hug.

“Dan, I’m so sorry,” she whispered to him, rubbing his back in a soothing way. 

When she let go, Dan took a few shaky breaths, trying to steady himself. “I did everything I could.” 

Anne rubbed the tops of his arms. He wouldn’t make eye contact with her. “I bet you did everything and more. Let me make you a drink. Where’d you leave your mug?” 

Dan waffled through some response that it was still at the computer terminal near center stage, and in her rush Anne made Phil’s coffee instead of Dan’s hot chocolate. She was too distraught to notice. She just wanted to take care of the boy she still saw in him, the one whose dumb bad luck landed him in here years prior, the boy who’d become the child she never had. He smiled a pained, disingenuous smile when she handed him the cup of coffee and he shoved his finger directly into it, just like always. That told Anne that somewhere in there, he was still okay. 

“God, all I want to do right now is sleep for like two days straight,” he muttered, his eyes practically dead. 

“You’ve been here for two shifts, dear, and you were on center stage for a lot of that time. I can tell just by looking at you that you’re exhausted. Is there anything I can do to help?” Anne said, wiping the tears away from his cheeks.

Dan nodded as he swirled his finger in the scalding hot coffee. “Yeah, could you page Phil for me?” 

The thin line of her lips meant the opposite of what Dan was hoping to hear. “We’re in code red right now...I’ll see if he can spare a moment, but don’t get your hopes up. Stay here, don’t move, okay?” He kept his eyes locked on the floor, rubbing one with the heel of his free hand and taking a shaky breath. Somehow his finger found its way back into his coffee, even though he was sure all the soap and sanitizer from his hand was leeching into the drink. He considered that trying to get over his disdain for Phil’s favorite beverage might be worth it because keeping himself upright at the moment was taking all of his energy. He took a sip, biting back at the bitter taste. After he’d swallowed, he realized that Phil took his coffee with a lot of cream in it, but he was too exhausted to care. This day had been pushing him to the limit since minute one—standing behind the doctors’ station was the only time he’d had to himself all day long. 

Everything around him seemed to be moving in slow motion, but something moving faster than everything else cut into his peripheral vision. 

“Where’s Doctor Howell?” Phil demanded, his eyes scanning the space behind the desk until they fell on Dan, realisation spreading across his face. Phil knew that look. Dan lost a child for the first time. Phil rushed up to him, taking the coffee mug out of his hand and placing it on the counter beside him, then grabbing his hand to pull him into the staff break room a few doors down the hallway. Once they were in the safety of the staff room, Phil shut the blinds and turned towards Dan. “Are you okay? Hey, hey, easy, sit down, let me grab you a chair.” Phil’s words tumbled out of his mouth as Dan started to hyperventilate, his hands shaking and his eyes glassing over. Dan sat mechanically in the chair Phil pulled out from under the table behind them and Phil knelt in front of him.

“Hey, Dan, I need you to calm down, I don’t want you fainting on me. Look me in the eye, there we go, good,” he said in a calming tone, taking Dan’s hands away from his face and holding them as he ran his thumbs gently over Dan’s fingers. Dan squeezed his eyes shut and moved his mouth silently, as if he were counting or repeating phrases to himself. “It’s just you and me right now, no one else. Forget what’s going on outside, ignore your pager, it’s just you and me. Everything’s okay.” Dan muttered something quietly under his breath that Phil couldn’t make out. “Pardon, what did you say?” Phil asked gently. Dan muttered again, and after a second and finally a third time of Phil asking, Dan yanked his hands away from Phil’s.

“Please don’t touch me!” he practically shouted, his hands carding through his hair after he was done speaking. His breathing was starting to even out, which was a good sign, but his hands were still shaking erratically. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to snap at you,” Dan said, his hands starting to wring the hem of his shirt. Phil let a few more minutes pass before he spoke again. 

“How did you get here this morning? Did you drive or take the tube?” Phil asked quietly.

“The tube—I can’t afford a car.” 

“Alright, then you can stay over at mine if you like. I don’t want you to be alone right now.” 

Dan shook his head. “No, I really don’t–”

“Dan, one of your patients died tonight. You’re staying over,” Phil said in that tone that everyone knew meant he’d made up his mind. Dan reluctantly agreed and packed up his things before following Phil out to the car park. For whatever reason, Dan assumed that Phil drove a car like the sleek black Mercedes parked on the second level, but when Phil clicked the button on his key to unlock his car, the lights on the red Mini Cooper next to it lit up. 

The drive to Phil’s flat was relatively quiet, a contemplative silence kept between the two of them as Phil drove. After about twenty minutes, they pulled into a space in front of an older-looking red brick building. When they got through the door, they were greeted by a flight of stairs. Phil broke the silence that had settled between them with a joke about the stairs being his own personal Everest. He went silent again after Dan didn't laugh.

“When was the last time you ate?” Phil asked as they summited flight two of the stairs. 

Dan shrugged noncommittally, speaking for the first time since they left the hospital. “Somewhere around eleven o’clock this morning right after second shift started? I had a packet of Doritos out of the staff vending machine.” The last thing he wanted to do right then was eat. 

Phil stopped on the landing between the second and third flight, giving Dan what everyone knew as Doctor Lester’s Scary Look. “Dan, you’re telling me you went for most of your second twelve-hour shift on a packet of Doritos?” 

Dan glared back at him. “We were on our thirty-sixth straight hour of a code black, and the kitchen ran out of food. I had no other choice.” 

“Well, I haven’t had dinner yet, so I can make us something,” Phil said, turning back around and climbing up the last flight of stairs to the front door of his apartment. “Just to warn you, there’s two more sets of stairs once we get in the door. It’s all carpet as well, so take your shoes off when we get in.” 

“How many stairs are in here?” Dan asked under his breath, panting slightly when they reached Phil’s front door. 

“Way too many. Forty-seven to be exact,” Phil replied while unlocking the door. Once they got inside (and up the remaining flights of stairs), Phil showed Dan where the lounge was, as well as where the computer room and the spare bedroom were. “Feel free to put your stuff down. I hope you don’t mind, but there’s still some stuff left over from when my ex and his son used to live here with me. There’s still some of those stars that glow in the dark on the ceiling–” 

“Um, actually I think I’d rather sleep in the office if that’s okay with you?” Dan asked, his eyes wide and nervous.

It was rather odd to Phil, the way Dan had reacted about the stars on the ceiling, but he wasn’t going to question it. “Oh, yeah, that’s completely fine—wherever you’re comfortable. I can set the bed up after dinner.” Dan nodded numbly. After the grand tour, he somehow ended up on the couch in the lounge, staring off at the floor across the room. The flat was eerily quiet as Phil made some food for the two of them. Phil bustled around in the tiny kitchen, heating up two plates of leftovers from his takeaway the night before. Even though he was a doctor, his eating habits left a lot to be desired. His fridge was full of takeaway boxes and desserts his elderly neighbor gave him when she made too many for her weekly bridge club meetings. Every minute or so, he would check on Dan, who hadn’t moved since sitting down. He’d changed into street clothes before they left the hospital, opting for a pair of grey trackies and a pink t-shirt from Sydney, Australia. Phil made a mental note to ask about the shirt, but that would have to wait for another time. He wanted to give Dan the space he needed after what had happened earlier in the day. 

When Phil set two plates down on the table in the lounge, Dan sat in one of the mismatched rainbow dining chairs, picking at the food in front of him. It was silent save for some property show Phil had put on to fill the silence. This was all far too normal for Dan’s liking; he just wanted to go to sleep and end this day already. Phil picked up the remote for the TV and turned it off, adjusting his glasses before talking.

“The first child I ever had to call was a baby girl, six months old. Her mother died too, not in my care though. The mum was walking across the street with the baby in her pram when a delivery truck ran a red light and hit them both.” He rubbed his hands together before squeezing them between his thighs in a way that made him look smaller than he actually was. “It was one of those cases that haunts you for a long time, the damage that was done because these two people happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time.” His eyes were soft when he looked back up at Dan, an understanding was there that Dan had never felt before. “I read Christopher’s file. You did everything right, Dan. I don’t want you beating yourself up over this. I know from experience that this feels like the end of the world and that it’s your fault, but I promise you that it’s not. The awful part is, after a while the deaths affect you a little less each time, no matter who they are.”

The callousness with which Phil was talking surprised him. It seemed so out of character for the kind and gentle person Dan knew Phil to be. “How can death affect someone less?”

Phil sighed, carding his fingers through his hair. “Watching people die when you're in charge becomes routine.That’s something I didn’t think about when I decided to pursue emergency medicine.” He stood up and gathered the plates from their half-eaten meal, bringing them into the kitchen. Dan followed close behind, not wanting to be left alone with his thoughts right now. 

“Everyone has a reason for becoming a doctor. What’s yours?” Dan asked after a few moments of silence.

Phil shrugged nonchalantly as he scraped the plates off and put them in the sink. “I’ve always loved helping people, and I didn’t want a job pushing paper for the rest of my life. I wanted to make a real difference. I almost became a vet, but after I saw a dog get its bottom jaw cut off with a saw, I was done with being an animal doctor.” He smiled and turned to face Dan. “How about you?” 

Instinctively, Dan wrapped his arms around himself, his fingernails cutting into his flesh through his t-shirt. “I’ve wanted to be a doctor since I was four, but I decided to become an emergency doctor after my own A&E experience. Short version: I wanted to help people like me who come into A&E on the worst day of their life. Give them a second chance.” Dan chuckled darkly, thinking back to those weeks. “I was actually brought into St. Thomas’, funnily enough. Stayed there for two weeks. Anne was one of my nurses—that's how we met. She even went to my graduation from medical school.”

The story Dan told wasn’t at all what Phil was expecting. “So when you say she's family, you really mean it, huh?” 

Dan nodded and scratched the back of his head, a little uncomfortable with the topic at hand. “Yeah, my biological family isn’t exactly the most supportive, or, you know–intact I guess. It’s been a long time since I’ve spoken to them...but I mean, you find family in other ways. The hospital is my family.” 

After a few more minutes of talking, Dan decided it was time for him to go to sleep, as he had an early morning shift the next morning and had to be up before the sun rose. Phil set up the bed in the computer room and grabbed a pillow and blanket for Dan from the spare bedroom.

After Dan turned in for the night, Phil stayed up a little while longer to watch the news in bed and scroll through Facebook mindlessly for a while. He didn't realize he'd fallen asleep, but later that night the door to the computer room slamming loudly from across the flat woke him up. He poked his head out of his bedroom door to listen for a moment, and he heard the thick glass door to the bathroom slam shut and then bounce back open slightly. He stepped back into his room, a bit worried as to why Dan was all of a sudden slamming doors in the middle of the night. Phil’s nosy side and his worry for Dan won over his logical side, and he slipped out of his room, quietly shutting the door behind him.

Phil crept down the hallway to the small flight of stairs leading to the bathroom. Through the crack in the door, he could hear the sounds of gagging and retching. Phil lightly tapped his knuckles against the door frame and pushed the door open a bit more. “Dan? Are you okay?” 

He was greeted by the costic scent of stomach acid and an ashen-faced Dan bent over the toilet, gripping the sides and vomiting into it. “Hey, hey, easy, what's wrong?” Phil asked, flicking on one of the lights and rushing next to Dan to help him sit on the floor. Dan laid on his left side and shut his eyes, taking deep breaths and trying to get the world to stop spinning underneath him.

“I’m fine. Just a panic attack, I’m fine,” Dan said after a few moments, sitting up and opening his eyes again.

“A panic attack that caused vomiting? Are you sure you didn’t eat something bad?” Dan nodded to answer Phil’s question, rubbing his temples with his eyes closed. Sweat had matted his brown curls to his forehead, and his skin was paper white. He looked a heartbreaking balance between exhausted and absolutely miserable. He curled up a little, grabbing his back and straightening up again. Phil shifted into doctor mode. Dan was clearly in pain besides his stomach, and all Phil wanted to do was help him.

“What’s wrong, what hurts?” he asked, and Dan made eye contact with him.

“I’m fine, Phil. I’m not dying like one of our patients. My back just hurts, that’s all. Probably pulled a muscle earlier in the day rolling a patient and aggravated it by sitting up in bed too fast. I’m a doctor too, remember?” Phil nodded and got up to root through the medicine chest for some paracetamol. 

“I know, but I’m a worrier. Here, take two of these and then have a shower, that’ll help calm you down,” Phil said as he shook the pills out of the bottle and handed them to Dan. As Dan took them, he looked up at Phil with a soft, unsure expression on his face.

“Are you sure?” he asked, taking the cup of water Phil gave him with his free hand. 

Phil sat down on the cool tile floor again and nodded. “Of course, why wouldn’t I be sure? Now take those and I’ll grab a towel for you.” They both sat there for a moment, Dan staring at the two little pills in his hand and Phil staring at Dan. “Dan. I’m not moving until you take those,” he whispered softly, pushing Dan’s hand closer to him. Dan looked like he was about to cry as he dumped the pills into his mouth and took a big sip of water. 

Phil nodded, smiling and getting up before helping Dan up as well. “I seriously can’t thank you enough,” Dan said, rather out of the blue but Phil didn’t mind. 

“If that doesn’t help, I might have some melatonin for you, or I could always–”

Dan made a face and stood up on shaky legs. “Phil. Pretend you’re not a doctor for like ten seconds, please. I’m fine. It’s fine.” 

“Okay, I trust you. I'll be right out here in the lounge when you're done.” That statement was only half true, Phil was still worried but decided not to say anything. He parked himself on the couch while he heard the shower run in the bathroom.

-

Dan shut the frosted glass door to Phil’s bathroom quietly, almost tripping over the mound of fabric neatly folded on the floor in front of the door. It was a hoodie, green with “York” in big black letters emblazoned across the chest. There was a sticky note on it that read “put this on, it always helps me feel better when I’m sick” in Phil’s handwriting, oddly neat for a doctor. Dan smiled at the kind gesture and pulled the sweatshirt over his head. It was a bit too small for him, the sleeves were too short and it was a bit tight, but he didn’t care. To someone so used to being alone, Phil’s kindness was almost overwhelming. 

Dan walked down the hallway to Phil’s bedroom only to find that it was empty. Dan was a bit confused as he was sure Phil hadn’t left the flat in the few minutes he’d been in the shower. When he went back into the lounge, he found Phil lying on the couch, asleep. His glasses were crooked, and his hand was resting on his laptop as if he'd fallen asleep answering an email. Dan smiled despite himself. Since Phil had been taking care of Dan all night, he felt it was his turn to take care of Phil. He didn’t have the heart to wake Phil up, so he figured that letting him sleep on the couch was fine. He shut Phil’s laptop, put it on the coffee table, and took off his glasses, then grabbed a nearby blanket and threw it over Phil, startling Phil awake a little. Dan laughed to himself and smiled for the first time all night long, his heart doing this weird thing in his chest. It was a fleeting thing, just a random _ba-bump_ , that scared him to no end, He couldn’t feel that way about Phil, he just couldn’t, it didn’t matter that so many years had passed and that it was mostly over now, he couldn’t let himself get sucked in again. Even despite his fear of his own emotions, Dan fell asleep that night with the same smile on his face, hoping and praying to himself that this time would be different.


	3. Everything Has Changed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _"And all my walls stood tall painted blue, but I'll take 'em down and open up the door for you."_ \- Taylor Swift

Dan was gone before Phil woke up the next morning. Dan’s shift started much earlier than Phil’s did that day, but when Phil got in and checked the whiteboard in the staff room, it turned out they were both on center stage together that day. For most of the day it was relatively quiet, until about four in the afternoon when both their pagers went off telling them they had a patient incoming. The code listed underneath the message was the number for a drug overdose, so both Dan and Phil were expecting the worst.

They were both mildly surprised when the EMTs brought in a blonde-haired boy about sixteen years of age, his mother close behind. The EMT started rattling off what they’d found at the scene and information about the patient. His name was Evan, and he’d been found by one of his older brothers on the floor of the bathroom with a bottle of something in his hand. No one could figure out what he’d taken, though, as the label was too worn off for anyone to read. Evan was half-coherent as they rolled him onto center stage, a good sign all things considered, and Dan started asking him questions to get an idea of how best to treat him. Phil naturally fell into the second hand position, assisting Dan and getting whatever he asked.

“Evan, what did you take? You aren’t going to get in trouble, I promise. We’re trying to help you,” Dan said in a calm tone, moving the oxygen mask off his patient’s face. The boy stuttered out something that sounded like “Tylenol”, which was as lucky as they were going to get in this situation.

“Okay, Phil, we’re gonna pump his stomach. Grab me a tube and syringe. Someone else hand me a bucket please,” Dan said, holding the pink plastic tub handed to him in the boy’s lap. Phil reached up into the wall of plastic boxes beside the boy’s head to get what they needed.

“Can you open your mouth for me, Evan? This won’t be comfortable, remember to keep breathing through your nose.” He was barely awake, but he nodded, pushing himself up a little onto his arms and opening his mouth just enough for Phil to insert the tube. “Everyone besides Doctor Howell and me, hands off,” Phil said, helping Evan to lie on his side. They were able to quickly extract the contents of his stomach, including a couple dozen half-dissolved pills. “And there we go, mission accomplished.” But even though his stomach was empty, something was still very wrong. He was barely conscious, and his skin had taken on a sickening yellow tone. 

“What's happening? He should be fine, why is he crashing?” Dan babbled. He could feel himself starting to flood. “Phil, what’s happening? I have no clue what’s wrong, I’ve never seen this before with an NSAID patient. I can't have two of my patients die in two days.” Dan said. 

“His liver’s failing—he didn’t get here fast enough,” Phil said. “Treat this like a typical drug overdose, because that’s what it is.”

Hearing Phil’s voice pulled Dan out of his own head for a moment. “Okay, someone get me ativan and a central line kit,” Dan shouted, his hands shaking as he opened up the central line. When Dan pushed the plunger on the syringe, he fully expected everything to be fine, but nothing changed. 

“Why is he not improving, ativan should’ve helped right?” Dan asked. Phil snapped his fingers after a moment of thought before looking at Dan.

“Wait, he’s not seizing yet, the ativan wouldn’t do anything right now. Someone get me a round of NAC, now!” Phil’s voice sounded far away to Dan, as if he were under water. He could feel his stomach churning as one of the nurses started pulling him away for Phil to take over.

One of the nurses moving Dan out of the way tried to talk to him, pulling his shoulder a little. “Hands off of me, please!” Dan shouted, spinning around and pulling his shoulder out of the nurses’ grasp. His chest was heaving with his sudden emotion and everyone was still for a fraction of a second. Phil cleared his throat and asked for the NAC again, and the nurses still surrounding them rushed to get the antidote into his system. Luckily they were able to stabilize Evan. He’d need to stay overnight and probably go through a psych evaluation, but soon enough, he would get to return home. 

A few more center stage patients came and went–a couple more overdoses, an injury from a concert, and a punctured lung, but at the end, both Dan and Phil were able to save everyone. After their shift was half over, they rotated off of center stage and onto the sides of the A&E and picked up two of the other attending doctors’ patients, who all were relatively low-maintenence injuries. 

“Doctors Howell and Lester, come with me for a moment please,” Doctor Green, the director of their department said, walking past where they were working on a patient. When they didn’t get up, he doubled back and glared at them sternly. “That wasn’t a suggestion, boys. Find one of the residents to finish that up, and come with me, now.” 

They shared a look, and both clearly knew that this couldn’t be good at all. It was rare that the director of the accident and emergency wanted to talk to them or any attendings at all, so they were both fairly certain they were in trouble. “I’ll go find a resident,” Phil muttered quietly as Dan kept picking small pieces of glass out of his patient’s hand in silence. 

“That the boss?” the young woman asked. Dan nodded. 

-

Dan and Phil sat in front of the A&E director’s desk, neither wanting to break the silence. Doctor Green flipped through the red plastic file folder in front of him before throwing it down on the portion of desk directly in front of the boys, making Phil jump slightly. “Would either of you like to explain to me why you used ativan first to treat an NSAID poisoning patient earlier today? It’s standard procedure to use NAC first, then if seizing occurs, to use ativan. I’d expect that kind of mistake out of a resident, not out of two experienced attending physicians. One of whom, I might add, was a doctor at Angels for five years.”

Neither of them spoke, Dan’s eyes practically boring holes into the floor as Phil’s flitted around and looked everywhere else. Dan took a breath in but before he could answer, Phil broke the tense silence.

“It was me, I’m sorry. I started to flood because I’d never seen a patient in liver failure before from an NSAID overdose. I didn’t know what else to do.” Dan looked at Phil in disbelief and Phil widened his eyes ever so slightly as his own way to tell Dan to play it cool.

“Doctor Howell? Is this what happened?” Green asked. Dan looked from Phil to their boss and nodded. “Okay then, you’re excused.”

“If you’re going to punish him then you should punish me too, my name’s on the chart as well.” Dan said. Phil tried to kick him gently under the desk but Dan lightly knocked his foot out of the way.

“I’m not going to punish either of you, because you’re both in good standing here, but if anything else happens you’ll be right back here, understood? I took a risk with you, Doctor Howell. You came here from Angels at the recommendation of both Doctor Rorish and Doctor Campbell, and I’m sure you know firsthand how hard it is to get them to agree on anything. Don't make me regret choosing you.”

-

About two weeks after Dan stayed over at Phil’s, things were smooth sailing as normal. Dan would often show up at Phil’s house unannounced with an overnight bag, and the two of them would sit on the sofa and watch movies they’d seen a few hundred times or play videogames together. Dan upgraded from sleeping on the futon in the computer room to the spare bedroom, which Phil had redecorated in a more adult way, his first priority being removing the stars from the ceiling. Some nights, after Dan had gone to spend some time in what was slowly becoming his bedroom, Phil would hear the sounds of the piano, something he hadn’t heard in a long time. There were nights he’d hear what he recognized as Radiohead or Muse, and on others he’d hear beautiful classical pieces he couldn’t name. Dan had never told Phil he played the piano, and it added a layer of depth to someone who was otherwise closed off from the rest of the world. It made Phil feel like he was someone Dan trusted. 

There was one day that both Dan and Phil were on sides, but they didn’t see each other until their breaks lined up. Dan opened the door to the staff room and saw Phil making both a coffee and a cup of hot chocolate in his male tears mug. “Hey,” Dan said as he took the mug when Phil smiled and held it out for him. “I’m not really sure if this is too far removed from the situation but I’m sorry about the whole thing with Doctor Green. That was my call and you took it for me and that means a whole lot.”

Phil waived his hand and smiled at Dan, leaning against the counter and holding his mug with two hands. “Don’t worry about it. Happens all the time. And both of our names were on the chart so it’s not like it was a total lie.” 

Dan smiled and chuckled a little. “Can you stop being the world’s most decent person for an hour or two? Let me make it up to you, what do you say we go out to that sushi place you’ve been talking about? The new one near the West End.” 

Phil thought for a moment, trying to keep his cool before nodding and smiling at Dan. “Yeah, I’d like that a lot. Wait, isn’t that place like booked up for months in advance?” he asked, to which Dan just shrugged and sipped his hot chocolate. 

“I’ll text you the details on Saturday,” he said cryptically before dropping the subject entirely. 

-

“Good morning everyone, who’s ready to save some lives today?” Dan asked as he walked behind the doctors’ station Saturday morning, mug in hand.

“Why are you so happy? You’re usually a zombie in the mornings,” Louise commented as she followed Dan around sides to check on his patients. He chuckled and waited until they were between patients to tell her.

“I officially have a date tonight. With a certain doctor that works here,” Dan said with a smile. “Keep it just between us though, I don’t want word getting out just yet.” 

Before Dan could even finish his sentence, Louise was playfully smacking him with one of the red plastic folders she was holding. “You have a date with Doctor Lester tonight and you didn’t tell me about it?! As if this entire A&E hasn’t been rooting for you two to get together since you started here eight months ago!”

“Say it a little louder so dental three floors above us can hear you! And that’s precisely why I’m trying to keep this between only a few of us. I’m sure Anne’s found out by now, so if you want to gossip with someone go bother her about it. She somehow got all the details out of Phil already and I just asked him about it on Wednesday.” 

“Did you make reservations?” Dan nodded sheepishly, blushing a bit. 

He really should’ve kept his mouth shut, he was starting to get uncomfortable talking about this so openly where patients and other doctors or nurses could hear them. “Here, we’ll go check on a few patients, make some rounds, and then we’ll go into the break room and talk more. I’ll tell you everything then, okay?” 

“You better keep your word, Howell, or I’ll fuck up your charts and put them all in the wrong files. Slow you down even more than usual,” Louise said in a joking tone as she followed Dan. 

“Hey, I’m not slow, I’m just thorough,” Dan retorted, and after a few more patients they were in the staff room alone.

“Okay, how long ago did you make your reservations? That place has been booked up for months,” Louise said, sitting down at the table while Dan kept his hands busy at the coffee bar. 

“Not that long ago, maybe like three months? Four at the most,” he said with a shrug, stirring some almond milk into his coffee with his finger. 

Louise’s eyes widened. “Four months?! That’s half the time you’ve been here! I never booked reservations that far out, even when I was married. You must really be serious about this.” 

Dan nodded. “I want this to work, Louise. He’s an amazing guy and I really like him.” 

Dan was practically vibrating with excitement when shift change came around. He’d brought a change of clothes so he could leave for Phil’s place right after work. Before he left, Anne pulled him aside and smiled at him with misty eyes. “You look so grown up, dear.”

“Anne, I’m 27. I’m not 18 anymore,” Dan said with a laugh, blushing a little. Anne shushed him as she fixed the collar on his shirt and insisted he check and make sure the buttons on his cuffs were done up.

“I know, but you’re still like a son to me. I won’t have you looking a mess on your first proper date with Phil. Hold the door for him, be a gentleman, got it?” she said. “Now go, I don’t want to make you late.” 

-

Before ringing the buzzer beside the door to Phil’s building later that night, Dan quickly straightened his hair out to make sure he looked his best. He wasn’t completely sold on his outfit...maybe he should’ve dressed up a bit more. Was a black patterned button down too casual for sushi? If it was good enough for Harry Styles, it was good enough for him, right? Despite the small quiver of anxiety in his stomach, Dan rang the bell at the front door and waited for Phil to buzz him in. After a few moments, Phil’s voice crackled back through the speaker telling Dan to come up to his front door. “I hope you’re not dressed too nice, I wouldn’t want you to ruin your outfit,” Phil joked nervously, which made Dan relax a little. Phil sounded just as nervous as he felt, even though Phil could most likely hide it better. After the mountainous climb up the stairs to Phil’s door, Dan hesitated for a few seconds, his hand moving from the handle of the door to the knocker and back again. He’d let himself in a few times before when he spent the night, should he do the same this time or knock? 

Unbeknownst to Dan, Phil was waffling between excitement and playing it cool in the same way as Dan. After buzzing Dan in beside the kitchen door, he’d practically run down the stairs as he buttoned his shirt patterned with different kinds of birds and stood at the peephole waiting for Dan. He’d debated between changing and keeping the bird shirt on—would Dan think the bird shirt was weird?—but had decided to stick with his original choice. 

Finally, Dan got himself together and knocked, making Phil jump back from the door. He hadn’t expected the knocker to be so loud. He let a few more seconds pass so as not to seem too eager before he opened the door and greeted his companion for the evening. “Hi,” he said matter-of-factly with a giant smile on his face. “You look really nice.” They both reached in for a quick hug. 

“Thanks, you do too. I like the bird shirt. It’s very...you,” Dan said with a smile on his face as Phil stepped aside to let him in. 

“Here, why don’t we have a quick glass of wine before we head out?” Phil suggested. As they both climbed the stairs, Phil scrambled to think of conversation topics. He didn’t want to talk about the hospital—it was both of their only days off this week, and that would be too serious of a topic for a first date anyways. “Oh, I um—I found that flavor of Doritos you like, the sweet chili ones you talked about last time you were over.” Phil stumbled a bit over his words as he worked the cork out of the bottle of wine. As they talked and sipped the wine together, Dan couldn’t help but notice something was different about Phil’s appearance. Phil smirked a bit as Dan stared at him, seemingly in a trance.

“What are you staring at? Did I forget to shave or something?” Phil asked with a joking tone to his voice.

Dan chuckled a bit and shook his head. “No, you’re fine. It’s just that you’re not wearing your glasses—I didn’t realize until just now. I don’t think I’ve ever seen you without glasses on.” 

“Oh, yeah, I wear my glasses at the hospital more often than not. Contacts tire your eyes out after wearing them for a long time every day, but because it’s a big night I figured I’d mix it up a bit.” 

“Well, glasses or no glasses, you look pretty great to me,” Dan said, only half thinking, and when he’d realized what he’d said, he cringed. “Sorry, that was bad wasn’t it?” Phil laughed.

“No, not at all. Wait, what time are the reservations for? I don’t want to make us late or anything.” 

“Our reservations aren’t for another couple hours, it’s all good. No worrying for you tonight, got it? I have everything under control.” 

“You’re telling the king of worrying about useless things not to worry?” Phil asked. “That’s a tall order, but I think I can manage.”

Dan laughed and smiled at Phil, his shoulders gently shaking with his laughter. Phil couldn’t help but marvel at Dan’s happiness, how genuine and calm he seemed in that moment. “I promise I’ll make tonight as stress-free as possible for the both of us. No worrying.” 

-

Dan smiled eagerly as he held the door to the restaurant open for Phil. So far the night was going well, better than Dan had expected. When Dan had made these reservations months ago, he had made sure to reserve a table by the walls of windows at the back of the restaurant. 

“Reservation for two under Doctor Howell?” Dan asked the hostess at the posh-looking restaurant. Once they walked in, Dan breathed an internal sigh of relief. His attire was just right—they both actually fit in quite well. The lighting was dim, and the tables were far apart, giving their high-backed booth with a beautiful view of London at night an intimate feeling. Dan made a point to move the little jar with a tealight candle in it off to the side so neither of them would accidentally drag their sleeves across the open flame. The last thing they needed was a trip to their own A&E while they were on a date. Anne would never let them live it down. 

Dan wasn’t exactly sure how to act or what to say, as he hadn't been on a date in the longest time, and Phil was practically his best friend by now. He couldn’t very well ask where Phil worked because they saw each other every day. In spite of this, the conversation flowed as naturally as it always did between the two of them, if a little more open because they were alone. They looked over the drink menu together and after lots of deliberation finally decided. Dan chose a margarita that looked interesting and Phil picked a fruity cocktail with some austentatious name Dan forgot three seconds after Phil ordered it. 

“Is there a vegan section somewhere in here?” Dan asked quietly to himself, flipping through the menu and praying there was after they’d put their drink order in. He had mostly been focusing on the fact that Phil wanted to eat here before his own dietary needs and hadn’t even thought about the possibility that he couldn’t eat at this place. If it came to it, he’d choke down some regular sushi and try to forget about it if it meant Phil was happy. 

“Wait, you’re a vegan? If there’s nothing you can eat here, we can go somewhere else if you’d like?” Phil asked, smiling at Dan from across the table.

Dan smiled back at him and shook his head, waving a hand dismissively. “If there isn’t anything vegan here, don’t worry, I’ll be fine. It’s my own fault for not checking when I made the reservations. I'm flexible,” he partially lied. At this point he was trying to save face, and he’d rather eat fish than actually ask if there were options for him, but when he said as much, Phil wouldn’t hear it. Phil motioned for their waitress to come back over, and Dan cringed, trying to get Phil to stop. Their waitress made it over before he could get a word in.

“Is there a list of vegan or vegetarian options?” Phil asked politely, and when the waitress kindly obliged and grabbed a small list from her apron pocket, Dan breathed a sigh of relief. After the waitress walked away again, Phil smirked. “See, now was that so hard?” When Dan nodded, a realization washed over Phil. “Wait, you were really going to eat fish if you couldn’t find anything vegan weren’t you?” 

“You’ve been talking about coming here for months now. Even if there wasn’t anything for me to eat, we weren’t leaving. I made these reservations months ago—we’re eating here even if it kills me,” Dan joked, which made Phil laugh, a sweet, happy sound and the most beautiful music Dan had heard in a long time. His heart did this weird thing in his chest, as if it restarted. He hadn’t felt that way in a while.

Phil suddenly grew serious again which made Dan smile. Phil was so adorable when he was trying to be serious. “When you stayed over my house that one night, I made food for you, and I’m almost certain it wasn’t vegan. I’m so sorry, I should’ve asked–”

Dan took Phil’s hands from across the table. “Hey, it’s fine, honestly I didn’t even remember myself. That day was so ridiculous from beginning to end. Just being with you is always more important to me than any kind of food could be. Don’t stress about it, seriously. I ate something that possibly wasn’t vegan, and the world didn’t implode. Now let’s decide on what we want to eat because I don’t know about you but I’m starving.” As Dan reached for the menu, in his own idiocy, he knocked Phil’s drink over onto the floor. 

“Oh my God, I’m so sorry Phil,” Dan said, both boys kneeling down to pick up the bits of glass that had smashed on the floor. Phil handed Dan one of the black napkins to put the glass in and smiled at him. 

“It’s fine, don’t worry about it. Accidents happen,” Phil said with that same dumb smile on his face. “Unless you did it on purpose, in which case I should be able to get even with you.” 

Dan laughed nervously as they sat back down, and one of the restaurant staff came to clean up the drink that’d been spilled. Their server brought Phil another one on the house, and everything settled down once again. “So, what’s a good topic of conversation on a first date?” Phil asked with that smirk on his face that made Dan’s heart do that flippy over thing in his chest again. 

He chuckled and took a test sip of his margarita, offering it to Phil who shook his head. “At the risk of sounding a bit juvenile, twenty questions is always a good conversation starter. We can play seven minutes in heaven when we get back to yours,” Dan joked, which earned another laugh out of Phil.

“Sure, why not. I’ll start,” Phil said as he took a sip of his drink. “Where did you go to university?”

Dan couldn’t get the childish smile off his face as he answered. “Manchester University.” Dan tipped his head towards Phil. “And you were York, right?” 

Phil nodded. “Yep, ended up at St. Thomas’ through the internship program. Did my residency there as well. I’ve spent my whole career there, as you said it’s basically like a giant family. Anne said you were at Angels Memorial in L.A. for residency?”

“Yeah, I was, and if you want to talk about an experience of a lifetime Angels was definitely it. Los Angeles isn’t really my speed though. I was out there for five years, and it never really felt like home. I definitely rushed into moving out of England so soon after finishing up medical school.” Dan took another sip of his margarita before continuing. “The director of the residency program at Angels and I did not get along at all, and that’s putting it nicely. The A&E director there liked me though, so I stayed on until my residency was done, then moved back home for this job.” 

“Wow, you certainly are a man of the world aren't you?” 

“Nah, not really. I was more just freaked out about adult life and trying to figure out who I was. Still kind of trying, but I guess you never really stop.” 

Luckily the rest of the night went smoothly, no more spills or mishaps to be had. Everything felt easy between them; nothing was awkward or forced. A solid half of the time consisted of Dan trying to teach Phil how to use the chopsticks that had been included with their flatware. That endeavor proved fruitless when Phil dropped a sushi roll onto the floor and watched it roll across the restaurant as they both laughed until their sides hurt. Once the check came for their meal, Phil tried to put his card down, but Dan took the check before Phil could get to it. 

“At least let me get the tip,” Phil insisted. Dan shook his head as he handed the little black folio with the check and his card to the waiter.

“Nope, you're not paying for anything tonight. Tonight is my night to treat you. Think of it as a thank you for everything you do around the hospital.” 

“Well, next week it's my turn then. What days are you off?” Phil asked even though he already knew the answer. 

“Monday, Wednesday, and Friday,” Dan said with a laugh. “You seriously don't have to do anything for me–”

“Next Friday I’ll plan something for us. Not nearly as fancy but still, something.” 

After the cab ride back to Phil’s flat, they both stopped at Phil’s front door, Phil turning around to smile at Dan. They stood in the close quarters, neither wanting to say anything because saying something would mean that their night was over, and neither of them wanted that. 

Dan broke the silence by apologizing again for spilling his drink earlier in the night. “Listen, Phil, I’m so sorry for–” 

Before he could finish what he was saying, a pair of warm lips pressed against his own, long fingers splayed out over his cheeks. Dan was surprised for a second, but after a moment he relaxed and melted into the kiss, settling his own hands on Phil’s hips. 

Dan expected the familiar taste of bile to rise up in his throat and a deep-seated panic to fill his chest, but the sensations never came. He felt calm, at ease, relaxed. For some reason, Phil’s touch didn’t feel invasive and wrong like others’ usually felt; it made a safe and warm sensation brew in the pit of Dan’s stomach. Everything was gentle and slow, not a moment was forced or rushed. Eventually they pulled apart and rested their foreheads together. Phil opened up the door without turning around, pulling Dan blindly up the stairs, almost tripping and falling as they tried to round the corner. Phil leaned his head back against the wall, laughing so big and wide that Dan couldn’t resist pulling him closer for another sweet and slow kiss. “Why don’t you um– you can stay the night, if you’d like,” Phil murmured in another lull, which made Dan tense up a little. 

Dan pulled away slightly, his eyes a bit wider than normal. He blinked a couple times then nodded. “Yeah, sure, I just um–” 

“What’s wrong, did I say something?” Phil asked quickly, pushing himself up off the wall and trying to look Dan in the eye. Dan stepped away from Phil, wringing his hands and swaying back and forth on his feet. He really shouldn’t have had that second drink before they left, the alcohol was doing funny things to his head right now.

“No not at all, I just–please don’t take this the wrong way–”

“Dan, nothing you could say right now would upset me. We’ve just had the best night; whatever you need is absolutely fine with me,” Phil said in this tone that was so open and honest that it made Dan feel guilty.

“No sex,” he stated firmly. “Tonight has been amazing and one of the best nights of my life but I’m just–I’m not comfortable with sex. Not specifically with you, just, as a whole, you know how I get sometimes, that’s one of those–”

“Dan, Dan, stop, you don’t ever have to explain yourself. That’s more than okay with me.” 

After a few more minutes of talking, Dan went to the spare bedroom to grab a change of clothes before they decided to go to sleep. As he was doing so, Phil took his contacts out and put his glasses back on, then went to change out of his own clothes. Walking down the hall, something caught his attention. Dan was quietly playing the old antique piano in the spare bedroom, a slow and simple melody with lyrics describing how a simple, easy kind of love had changed the songwriter’s whole world in one day. Dan had a smooth, even-pitched, tenor voice and was more skilled of a piano player than he allowed himself to admit. Phil could've stood there for hours listening to Dan. 

When Dan opened the door and shut it quietly behind him, Phil tried to make it seem like he wasn’t standing there listening to him. Dan smiled and laughed a little, standing beside Phil as he opened the door to his room. “You can admit you were listening to me. I know you stand outside the door and listen sometimes.” 

Phil laughed nervously and opened the door, letting Dan past him first so he could get comfortable on his side of the bed. Most nights, they relaxed in Phil’s room for a while, both on their computers while the TV served as background noise, Dan slipping into the spare room quietly after Phil nodded off. It was always a period of calm and ease between the two of them, something that the both of them looked forward to after long nights and early mornings at the hospital. 

As Phil rooted through his dresser to grab his pajamas, Dan settled into bed with his computer on his lap. Phil grabbed his clothes and turned to leave, stopping in the doorway to look at Dan for a moment. He leaned against the doorway, admiring Dan’s appearance. He really was an attractive man, and his intelligence and kindness made him even more attractive. From the moment Phil had met Dan, he knew there was something special about him, but after getting to know him the past few months, Phil had realized just how special of a person Dan was. His unwavering desire to help everyone who needed it and the way he could bring out the best in everyone around him was something that made Phil want to do better and be better as a person. Standing there, Phil realized that having Dan in his life felt so _right_ , so normal now. He wanted whatever they had to work, for as long as it possibly could.

After a few seconds, Dan piped up. “You’re staring again.” He looked at Phil and smirked. “If you’re going to the bathroom to change, grab those Doritos from the kitchen on your way back?” 

Phil chuckled and nodded. “Sure thing,” he said as he pushed himself off the doorframe. As he walked down to the bathroom and changed into his pajamas, he decided to finally ask Dan what had been on his mind for the past couple of weeks. 

After grabbing the crisps out of the cupboard in the kitchen and settling in next to Dan, he started to bring up what was on his mind. “So I’ve been thinking–” he said, Dan watching with interest as he put an entire crisp in his mouth. 

“Have you?” Dan asked around his crisp, which made Phil smile. 

“I have, and I wanted to ask you something.” Dan’s eyebrows quirked up as he sucked the Dorito dust off his fingers. “I was wondering if–maybe you’d like to...make us official?” he asked, sounding, in his mind at least, like a secondary student with a crush. 

“Are you asking me if I want to be your boyfriend?” Dan asked in response after he swallowed his crisp. Phil nodded, and Dan’s blank expression turned into a huge, genuine smile. Dan nodded and laughed before casting his laptop off to the side and tackling Phil with a hug as best he could without pushing them off the bed. Phil started laughing too, their happiness obvious. “The answer couldn't be anything but yes, Phil,” Dan said as he sat up again. “Since we’re asking big questions, I have my own I’d like to ask you.”

“On one condition: you share those Doritos because they smell amazing,” Phil said, diving his hand into the bag.

It took Dan a few seconds to talk again, needing to work up the courage before he asked his question. “Is it alright if I sleep in here tonight?” he asked quietly. 

Phil smiled and nodded. “There’s absolutely no need to ask that question. Of course,” he said, causing Dan to tackle him again. Phil laughed, reaching for the crisps in between them. “Careful, careful! Save the crisps!” he said through his laughter. When Dan didn’t move, Phil leaned up a bit and pressed another tentative kiss against Dan’s lips. 

Dan smiled and looked at Phil with what could only be described as adoration in his eyes. “Tonight truly has been one of the best nights of my life. Thank you, Phil.”


	4. For the First Time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _"We just now got the feeling that we're meeting for the first time."_ \- The Script

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Content warning at the beginning of this chapter and for the rest of this fic for mentions and very vague descriptions of sexual assault/rape.

After a few more months of Dan coming and going as he pleased from Phil’s flat, more dates at least once a week, and the spare bedroom slowly filling up with Dan’s things, they both decided it was time for Dan to turn in the keys to his own flat. The day it was official was less of a moving-in day and more of Dan packing up the last few possessions still at his old place and bringing them to Phil’s. They spent that night organizing the DVD shelf in the lounge alphabetically while dancing around the flat to a top forty pop station. 

“This music is absolute garbage,” Dan said with a laugh, dancing past Phil and quickly giving him a kiss. “Remind me why we put this on?” 

“Because you wanted to fill the silence and we couldn’t decide on an album to put on.” Phil smiled and laughed at Dan’s awkward dance moves—he was definitely too nerdy to be dancing along to everything that was playing on the radio. “We have an early shift tomorrow morning, though, so we both should probably be heading to sleep soon. It’s been a long day—how many times did we climb all those stairs?”

“At least ten,” Dan called from the lounge. “Those stairs are more exercise than I get running around the hospital, I swear. Go get ready for bed, I’ll be there in a few minutes okay?” 

Phil went through his nightly routine in the bathroom, then walked up the stairs to the corridor that lead to their bedroom. As he walked past the door to the lounge, Dan stuck his hand out for Phil to grab from where he was sitting in the threshold going through a box of his stuff. He smiled up at Phil while holding his hand. “At the risk of sounding too cheesy, I think this is the happiest I’ve ever been.” Phil felt a smile form on his face and he laughed a little bit at how cute Dan was. 

“Between you and me, I feel the same way. Goodnight,” Phil said, dropping Dan’s hand to walk down the corridor. When he was in front of the door to their bedroom, Dan called out to Phil.

“Hey Phil?” After a few moments of silence, he tentatively called, “I love you.” 

Phil felt his heart skip a beat. “I love you too, Dan,” he called out to the silence. When he heard Phil say it back, Dan took in a sharp breath and leaned his head back against the side of the sofa, trying to keep the tears misting in his eyes from falling. It was the first time since he had finished medical school and run away to Los Angeles that Dan finally felt safe, finally felt like he belonged somewhere. London truly was his home, but anywhere that Phil went was where he wanted to be. 

After a few seconds, he got up and stood in the doorway of their room. “Say it again?” Dan asked, his arms spread out and his hands against the doorframe.

“What?” Phil replied, looking up from his laptop.

Dan moved Phil’s computer off his lap and straddled him so they were at eye level. “I want to see you when you say that you love me,” Dan murmured softly, a smile on his face. Phil chuckled and took Dan’s face in his hands.

“I love you. I love you so much it hurts to think about sometimes. I get so overwhelmed with how much I love you that it makes me emotional.”

Dan’s smile seemed to grow ten times wider, and he looked like he was about to start crying. “I love you the same amount and so much more. God I can’t even begin to tell you how much I love you, Phil,” he said, leaning in a bit closer and pressing his lips against Phil’s in a sweet and elated kiss. 

-

The next day, Dan was probably the happiest and most awake Anne had ever seen him. “So, is my little zombie child finally adjusting to working real hours?” She joked as Dan got himself ready for his day in the staff room. 

“No, not quite, but something big did happen recently.” Dan tried to remain cryptic but couldn't keep the secret. “I’m trying to keep it on a need-to-know basis, but I know you’ll somehow find out, so I guess I'll just tell you—I turned in the key to my flat yesterday morning. I'm officially moved in with Phil.” Anne looked like she was about to cry. She pulled Dan in for a hug and looked at him proudly.

“I’m so happy to hear that, dear. My boy’s growing up, huh?” 

Dan nodded sheepishly. “Looks that way I guess. Never thought I’d see the day when I’d have a boyfriend and be living with him, but here we are.” 

Anne’s tone suddenly turned serious. “How are you holding up? Next week is _the_ day, are you doing okay?” She asked when they stopped at the doctors’ station.

Dan nodded while he filled out a chart, trying to keep his eyes away from Anne’s knowing gaze. “Yeah, I think I’m okay. I’m the best I’ve felt mentally in a long time–”

“You’re not just saying that just to appease me, are you?” Anne asked, interrupting him. 

Dan shook his head and smiled, looking Anne in the eye again. He was only partially lying. “No, don’t worry, I’m so much better than I was last year at this time.” He honestly wasn’t; the fact that he was back in London instead of so far away in California was really messing with his head. He was convinced that Drew had figured out where he’d gone, but he pushed the thoughts away and kept the act up. His biggest fear was being found by Drew, or, God forbid, that something would happen to Phil. Even still, he felt that quiver of anxiety in his stomach, that small piece of lingering doubt that somehow, something would happen to him or to Phil, and if something _did_ happen to Phil on his account, Dan would never be able to live with himself.

-

A week later, Dan had a late night shift and Phil had a day off. Because Dan had been a lot more worn out the last few weeks, Phil decided to plan a little surprise. An ‘in-house date night,’ he’d decided to call it. He spent the night googling vegan recipes for Dan’s favorite Indian food, finally deciding on tofu tikka masala after a solid amount of time looking for just the right recipe. The next step was finding a vegan grocery shop that wasn’t ridiculously overpriced, and luckily he found one a short walk away from their home. 

Thinking of the apartment that way, as _their_ home, gave Phil a warm fuzzy feeling on the inside. He hoped it would be theirs for a long time. It felt right to have the extra bedroom filled with Dan’s things and to have Dan’s giant gaming computer next to his iMac on the desk in the computer room. Phil had started to like the taste of vegan cream cheese, and it was normal now to have Dan’s male tears mug on the counter next to his cat whisker mug. Everything was so _normal_ now, it felt like they hadn’t even been together that long, but at the same time it felt like they were always meant to be together.

Phil felt very out of place in the trendy grocery shop as he mulled over which brands would be the best to buy. He had no idea how any of this would taste, but he made his best guesses and tried to buy food that he’d seen in their house before. He wanted to text Dan and ask him, but that would give away the surprise, so he tried his best and hoped Dan would like it. When he unlocked the apartment door and traipsed his way up the stairs, Dan rushed him and practically knocked him over, throwing himself onto Phil. “God, where were you? Why were you out so late? Are you okay?” Dan asked in a relieved but nervous tone, taking Phil’s face in his hands and looking at him with an expression practically dripping with anxiety. 

“Of course, I'm fine. I didn’t think you’d be home before me—I’m so sorry to have scared you. I wanted to surprise you, so I decided to make some vegan food for when you got home. A little at home date night for the two of us,” Phil said, wrapping his arms protectively around Dan. He could feel Dan tense up against him. “Dan, you should’ve called me. You know that I’ll always pick up when you call.” 

Dan sighed and stepped away, fiddling with his ID card that they had to wear around the hospital. He’d changed back into his street clothes before he’d left, but for some reason still had his card in his hand. “Yeah, I know. I just wasn’t sure if why you were out was important or not, so I didn’t know if you would get upset with me for calling.” 

Phil looked at him with fondness in his eyes. “I could be on center stage treating the Queen herself and I’d always answer a phone call from you. You’re more important to me than anything I could be doing. Don’t worry about upsetting me, because you know how I am. I have the longest fuse in the world, it takes a lot to get me riled up.”

Dan laughed nervously. “Very true. And thank you for thinking to make dinner for me, you know that I love your cooking. Today was absolute insanity as always.”

“Not just for you–for the both of us. I figured I’d give it a shot too,” Phil said with a smile as he placed the bags from the grocery store on the counters and pulled out their contents. “Try new things, right?”

Dan nodded and looked around with a layer of anxiety behind his brown eyes. “Hey um–did you lock the door when you came back in?” he asked in a hurried tone. “The deadbolt and the chain?” He asked the question as he ran down the stairs to check, Phil following him at a distance, confused.

“Yeah, of course. I always lock both of them,” Phil said, watching him from the landing. Dan was checking to make sure the door was secure, pulling a bit at the door handle and making sure the latch and the chain were both done up. 

“Okay, good, great, perfect,” Dan said. He turned around and saw Phil standing in the stairwell watching him with a confused expression. 

“Dan, what’s wrong? I’ve never seen you like this,” Phil asked as Dan climbed the stairs, edging his way past Phil and being careful not to touch him. Something was very wrong, but Phil couldn’t think of what could’ve caused it. His being out without telling Dan couldn’t have caused this level of anxiety–sure he ran a bit anxious usually but this was very odd in a scary way.

“Nothing, I’m fine, everything’s fine, why’d you ask?” Dan’s words seemed to tumble out of his mouth faster than normal, and his hands were shaking as he rooted through the liquor cabinet under the counter. Dan very rarely drank unless they went out to eat, and him drinking hard liquor by itself was almost unheard of. 

“We both have shifts tomorrow and it’s almost midnight, are you sure that’s a good idea?” Phil asked, finally getting a chance to hang his coat in the closet by the bathroom. When he got to the kitchen door, Dan was downing a shot of vodka, and as soon as he was done he poured himself another. At that point Phil stepped in, taking the shot glass and the bottle from Dan’s hands. “Hey, stop. You’re really freaking me out right now. Talk to me, Dan, what’s going on? Was there a tough case on center stage today or something? Because if there was–” 

“No, there wasn’t. I was on sides not center stage, it’s–it’s nothing, don’t worry about it,” Dan said dismissively, carding his hands through his hair. His hands were still shaking as he tried to act casual, but Phil didn’t buy it.

“Something’s clearly wrong, maybe I can help. You can tell me anything. You know that, right?” Phil asked. 

Dan looked at Phil, and something inside of him snapped. Phil knew, somehow he’d figured it out. The way he was looking at him and the concern in his eyes did nothing but make Dan more anxious. He _knew_ , Phil knew and was angry about it and was trying to pry it out of him. Someone at the hospital had told him, he’d found the records from inpatient week, somehow Phil had figured it out. Dan could feel his heart rate increasing, his palms start to sweat, the world start to spin underneath him, and his stomach churning from something other than the vodka. Dan opened his mouth a couple times and closed it like a fish, trying to form his words, but nothing came. He prided himself on how eloquent he was, how well he could speak and connect with others through his words, and now here he was floundering over his words like an idiot. 

“Dan? Are you sure you’re okay?” Phil asked after a few seconds. It was like Dan had frozen in his place, looking everywhere but in Phil’s eyes and pulling on his ID card so hard Phil thought he’d break the plastic. He said Dan’s name again, stepping a bit closer into Dan’s personal space, which seemed to snap Dan out of his trance. He dropped his ID card and stepped further into the kitchen away from Phil, a scared look in his eyes. 

“Yes, I’m fine. I just–I’ve told you I was a patient at the hospital, right?” he asked, the tension in the room rising. The silence in the kitchen was suffocating him, settling into his chest and pushing down as if it was trying to force what he wanted to say out of him. Phil nodded, keeping silent. “Have I ever told you _why_?” Dan asked, his voice cracking on the last word. 

After a few painstaking seconds, Dan shook his head and walked past Phil again, out of the kitchen and down the hallway to his own bedroom. “Fuck, I can’t do this, I can’t,” he muttered under his breath. 

“Dan, you can tell me anything, you–” Phil started as he followed after Dan, his words cut off when Dan slammed the door in his face. The lock on the door clicked, and it sounded like he shoved the chair to his desk under the doorknob as well. Phil knocked on the door a few times, calling Dan’s name. Finally, Phil gave up, and hoped that he’d come out in an hour or two, but three, four, finally five hours came and went, and there was no sign of Dan. Phil knocked on the door to Dan’s room again, letting him know that he was going to bed, and still nothing. 

He barely slept that night, tossing and turning in the bed that felt too big without Dan in it beside him. Somehow he managed to get a few hours of sleep—not close to what he needed to get him through a twelve hour shift, but it would have to do. His alarm rang at ten in the morning, but he was already awake. He dragged himself out of bed and tried the door again. It was still locked. Phil got ready for work and knocked on Dan’s door for a final time that morning to let him know that he’d be leaving and he’d be back at midnight. 

-

“Hey Phil, where’s Dan? It’s not like him to miss a shift and not call,” Louise said when she met Phil at the computer terminal. Phil jumped a bit when Louise walked up to him, then turned back to the computer and tried to act casual.

“Oh, um, he came down with something late last night. He got sick after dinner and didn’t want to leave the house until he was fine for 24 hours. You know how it is. Must’ve been something he ate,” Phil lied, feeling an awful weight at the pit of his stomach. He hated lying to anyone, but he didn’t know if Louise was there for Dan’s hospital stint and didn’t want to violate his privacy. Louise didn’t seem to notice and happily followed Phil around sides that whole day. They saw a few different patients, the most interesting one being a girl who decided supergluing one of her acrylic nails back on was a good idea. She seemed more concerned with keeping the nail intact than she did with the fact that the superglue could’ve given her chemical burns (or worse), but it definitely made for a good story, and both the patient and the nail ended up being more than fine when all was said and done.

Close to the end of the day, after seeing Anne in passing a couple times, Phil decided to ask her what had been on his mind all day.

“Anne, do you have a minute? I need to talk to you about something,” Phil said when he walked behind the doctors’ station in between patients. She nodded, set the file in her hand down, and motioned for Phil to sit beside her. “You were here for Dan’s accident, right? Because something happened last night, and I need someone who was here for it to tell me what actually happened because I can’t get it out of him.”

Anne nodded. “I was here for it. Since he technically was a patient, I can’t tell you exactly what happened to him. It wasn’t an accident that landed him in here, though. It was something much different.” 

“So does this entire A&E know what happened to him and I don’t? I need to know. I can’t help him through whatever he’s going through if I don’t.” 

Anne thought for a second, trying to figure out what she wanted to say without actually saying it. An idea struck her and she handed Phil a file. “Come with me for a second. I want you to look over one of Troye’s patients quickly. Don’t open her file just yet,” she said as she bustled down the hallway with Phil behind her. 

“But Troye clearly looked her over already, there’s no reason for me to do a second exam on her. This has nothing to do with my question,” Phil protested.

Anne stopped at a door and turned towards Phil. “Troye’s a resident and you’re an attending. I want you to look over his patient again. Remember what I said to you when you were a resident, tell me what you see. Make the connection to your question in your head,” she said cryptically before leaving Phil at the door to the room. 

He waited for a few seconds before opening the door to a young girl about uni age. He introduced himself as he usually did, and when she didn’t look up from where she was staring at the floor, he nodded and opened the file. He looked her over in silence, noting that all of Troye’s observations were correct. Petechiae, better known as slight bruising under the eyes, was present—one of the main things they looked for when they had sexual assault cases in the A&E. There was evidence of a struggle, especially around her wrists, and finally Phil’s eyes fell on the rest of her file. A sexual assault evidence kit had been done on her earlier in the day, signed off by Anne and one of the other female nurses, and then finally by an officer from Scotland Yard.

Phil’s world felt like it fell out from under his feet. He said something to the young girl, what he couldn’t remember, but when he shut the door to her room Anne was right there waiting for him. 

“Now you see why I couldn’t tell you what happened to him...right?” Anne asked after a few quiet moments. Phil nodded numbly, leaning his back against the wall and staring at the floor, dumbfounded. It all made sense now, Dan’s aversion to touch, and his unwillingness to be intimate in any way past a certain point. It completely explained what had happened the night before, how his anxiety had been ratcheting up for weeks, how he acted some of the time, his panic attacks and nightmares. Anne motioned for Phil to follow her to the staff room, where he sat down at the table. 

He looked at Anne in a way that was partially astonished and partially terrified. “He was raped. How could anyone do that to him? Or to anyone at all?”

She nodded. “It took him a long time to start going to see someone about it. He got through a couple semesters of his course at university before he snapped and finally went to get help. It took me months to convince him.” 

Everything that had happened over the past few weeks was putting itself together in a terrifying puzzle. “Last night was one of his bad anxiety nights, worse than I’ve ever seen. He kept asking me about locking the door, and when he checked to make sure that I’d locked the door I knew something was up. I tried to talk to him about why he was so on edge, but he couldn’t get anything out and he locked himself in his room. He probably hasn’t been out since.”

Anne nodded understandingly. “He’s been so busy here that he’s skipped out on his therapy for a while. Who knows if he’s refilled his anxiety medicine either. He needs help getting back on his feet. Don’t try and force him into anything, just try and aim him in the right direction. You both care for each other a whole lot, and right now he needs someone to care for him because he won’t do it for himself. I’ll make you your coffee. How long have you been here?”

“Ten hours probably? Not that long,” he said, still trying to process what he’d just learned. 

Anne shook her head as she handed him his coffee. “You’re drinking this and then going home. I don’t care if you’re on center stage tonight, you’re going home. You need to talk to Dan about this.” She sat down next to him and took one of his hands in hers. The pair was quiet for a moment. “He tried to describe to me once what it feels like when he gets in these states, and he said it’s like his mind is on self destruct mode and he has no idea which wire to cut before the bomb goes off. I’ve known him for a long time, seen him come through what some people don’t survive. He’s stubborn and strong as hell. He’s a good kid, Phil. Give him some time and some room to be himself, and he will surprise you.” 

Anne’s words were ringing in his head as he drove home, switching between radio stations before finally just turning off the music all together as he navigated through late night London traffic. It was less busy than Phil had expected it to be, the rain probably keeping everyone indoors rather than out for the night. At ten he walked in the door, sighing and shutting the door behind him, being extra sure to deadbolt the door and put the chain on as well.

Walking into their home after a crazy day at the hospital to absolute silence was unnerving. He was used to Dan greeting him when he had his days off, the TV playing some property show or one of Dan’s favorite movies that he watched over and over again. He wasn’t used to the cold silence that filled the small flat. It was clear Dan hadn’t come out of his room since he went in last night—he had to be starving—and when Phil tried the handle on the door it was locked. He leaned his forehead against the wood of the door and talked through it, even though he knew he wasn’t going to get an answer. 

“Just letting you know I’m home a little early in case you didn’t hear me. I’m making dinner soon, I’ll make you some of that vegan mac and cheese you like. It’ll be in the oven if you want it?” He thought maybe phrasing something as a question would help, but when he was met with quiet, he sighed and stepped away. “When you’re ready, you know where to find me, okay?” 

He tried to occupy his time by doing meaningless tasks to keep his hands busy. The next couple of hours were filled with spot cleaning the kitchen, organizing their bookshelf full of movies and games, cleaning the kitchen again, his own room, the computer room, everywhere. By the time he’d finished cleaning every room but Dan’s, it was nearly midnight, the flat was spotless, and he was going a bit haywire. This kind of emotional shutdown was completely foreign to Phil. He’d never experienced anything like it before, from anyone. He sat down on the couch in the lounge, laptop balanced on his knees as he tried to figure out what to do. He didn’t want to push Dan into anything he wasn’t comfortable with, that wouldn’t help the situation in the slightest. Pushing boundaries without lines being clearly stated was what had gotten them into this mess in the first place. Finally after half watching a property show and scrolling through Facebook mindlessly brought Dan’s total time barricaded in his room up to a full twenty four hours, Phil needed to try and get some kind of response out of Dan.

He tapped his knuckles lightly on the door to Dan’s room. “Dan. Come out, please. I know what happened to you a few years back. I’m not upset with you—I never could be upset at you about something like that. I’m not going to judge you either. I just–I want to understand. We can make some popcorn and talk, like we always do. Right?” After a few moments of silence, Phil heard the floorboards creaking under Dan’s weight as he walked to the door. There was a pause, and then the lock clicked and Dan opened the door up just enough for him to peek his head out. 

“Who told you?” he demanded quietly. His room was pitch dark, the shades drawn and all the lights off. His bed was stripped bare, and the bedclothes were in a mound on the floor that had clearly been slept in. It didn’t look like Dan had done much sleeping, though. His eyes were bloodshot and puffy from crying, and there were dark circles under them as well. 

“Anne, in her weird, roundabout Anne way,” Phil admitted.

Dan slipped out of his room and tried to smile at Phil. It barely made it past a weak grimace, his long fingers playing with the strings of Phil’s old University of York sweatshirt he was wearing. “I guess you want answers, right?” he murmured, not meeting Phil’s eyes. 

“Not right this instant. Let’s– let’s take care of you first. Do you want anything to eat?” Phil said, wanting so badly to throw his arms around Dan and make sure that he was okay but resisting the urge. Setting Dan off again wouldn’t help anything right now. 

Dan shook his head. “I’m too nauseous to eat, I need to sit down and talk for right now. Word vomit or whatever,” he said, rubbing one of his eyes with the heel of his hand and walking down the hallway to the kitchen. Phil followed, a bit unsure of what to do or how to act, but the fact that Dan was out of his room was enough of a win for him. 

Phil rounded the corner into the kitchen, trying his best to keep quiet. He just watched Dan, waiting for him to do something as he stood in the middle of the space with his head in his hands and his back towards the door. Phil brushed past him gently, careful not to touch him, and pulled their favorite mugs out of the cabinet where their extensive collection lived. 

“Let’s just start with a cup of hot chocolate for now?” Everything that came out of his mouth was phrased as a question because he was so unsure of what to do in that moment. His first instinct was to help Dan, and he was too afraid to ask what he needed or wanted from him. It felt as if they were in the weird limbo of time between tough center stage patients, where no one wants to set anyone else off, and everyone orbits in large circles away from each other. As Phil made their drinks, Dan sank to the floor in his seemingly zombified state, crossing his legs and arms in a way that made him look tiny. Phil knew this wasn’t really the case, Dan was actually gigantic, but in that moment Phil saw the age difference between them for the first time. Dan looked like a scared child, his knees pulled up to his chest and his arms wrapped around them like a cocoon.

The microwave beeped, and Phil pulled out their mugs, handing Dan his and sitting on the floor in front of the microwave, leaned up against the cabinets, just waiting for the silence to break. Eventually, Dan sighed and Phil looked at him. He was staring at the mug in his hand, although through it would probably be a better description. 

“Dan, I’m not upset with you, or angry or anything. I’m worried about you, but I’m not upset. I can’t have any secrets between us. You can trust me, I promise.”

There was a moment of silence, the tension palpable. “I guess I’ll just start from the beginning. I was seventeen, and I had this boyfriend named Drew who I fell head over heels for. He moved to our town relatively late, and everyone else got a really weird vibe from him, but I didn’t see it. I always thought he was a great guy and eventually we started dating. He was basically the perfect boyfriend at the start of our relationship. Then over the next few months, he fell in with the wrong crowd, going out every weekend, dragging me along because I had a car and wanted to make him happy. So whatever he wanted, I did. I’d watch him drink his brains out every weekend, help him when he was hungover, the whole thing. He was never aggressive towards me, but there was one night that it went south. Ten years ago last night, I was on my way home from work late at night when he called me practically begging me to come over, which wasn’t uncommon, we had sleepovers at his place all the time, so I made up some lie to get my parents off my back and went over.” 

Dan was quiet for a few moments, where he reached up and put his mug on the counter so he could talk with his hands like he usually did. He took a deep breath before starting again. “He’d told me that it was just going to be us there, we’d have a nice night together and all that, but it wasn’t just us. He’d thrown a whole house party with all his new friends and insisted I drink with them. He’d been talking to his friends about the fact that we’d been together for a while and had never had sex before, and apparently he’d thrown this party as a ploy to get what he wanted. I wasn’t much of a drinker, never have been, but I played along because I wanted to make him happy, and when I was just drunk enough we went up to his room and...” Dan trailed off, the register of his voice raising slightly by the end of his sentence. “Oh God, how do I even describe it to you?” he said in a choked up voice, his eyes squeezed shut. He heaved a shaky sigh and opened them again, his watery brown irises boring into Phil’s. “I want you to picture the worst moment of your entire life, multiply it by one thousand, and then add in the fact that you can’t do anything to stop it from happening. That’s what it felt like.”

The tears were flowing down Phil’s face by this point, and he took his glasses off to harshly wipe them away as he kept silent. Dan coughed to clear his throat, and Phil put his glasses back on before Dan continued. His eyes kept drifting from the white tile floor to the ceiling and back again as he started to babble nervously. “He um–I remember very vividly he had those glow in the dark stars on his ceiling, the old owners of his house hadn’t taken them down, and I just remember laying there counting them over and over again—there were thirty five stars, exactly thirty five, and two moons, and a saturn. And after he was...done...I drove myself back to my house half-drunk with a raging headache that turned out to be a concussion, and I was counting to myself the entire way there. Up to thirty five and then back down again to keep myself awake. I was so close to passing out that I just barely made it into the house before I was out. 

“This next part I don’t remember happening, but I’ve had it recounted to me by enough people that I have a vague idea of what happened. I made it up a few of the stairs in my house trying to get myself up to my bedroom before I passed out and fell. My younger sister heard me fall and woke my parents up. They called 999, and my sister sat by me and held my hand begging for me to wake up because she thought I’d died. She stayed next to me the entire night. She rode with me in the ambulance, and she was the first face I saw when I came around. The entire night she would not let go of my hand.”

A few moments of silence passed. “You told me you spent two weeks at the hospital...was it for the concussion or...” Phil let his question hang in the air, and honestly he wasn’t sure if he wanted the answer. 

Dan winced a little bit and nodded. “Kind of, yes. The first week was for the concussion. The second week was a suicide hold. That week, by far, was the darkest period of my life. Ever. I genuinely wouldn't wish that on anyone, not even Drew.” 

Dan cleared his throat and continued, avoiding elaboration on the subject. “The story doesn’t end there though. After inpatient week was done, I went back home for the last few weeks of the summer, but I barely saw my family. We all just sort of split off from each other after it happened. My dad and I especially. He had some...choice words, about what had happened and my sexuality–let's put it that way. So then I go off to university, everything’s quiet for a while. I don’t hear from any of my family at all. My first semester went fine, and just before Christmas break I called my mum’s cell phone, but it was disconnected. I tried a couple more times and got the same thing, then tried my dad, my grandma, my uncle, everyone. No one’s phone was working. So finally, I tried our house phone, right?” 

He looked at Phil again, who nodded. “I figured someone would definitely pick up the house phone, but that phone number was disconnected as well. I had no idea what to do, so I just did a quick search on the internet to figure out what was going on. I searched our surname and our address and nothing came up. Within my first semester, my family had moved out of their old house and changed all the phone numbers for our family without so much as a word to me about it.

“So, the message is received, they don't want me around anymore. I stay at the university for Christmas holiday, don’t go home or make any more attempts to contact my family. Then second semester starts, and I go into town to get some snacks for my room, and I slide my card and it gets declined. Which was weird because I knew for a fact I had plenty of money on that card, and what I was trying to buy was at most ten pounds. I tried sliding my card four times, and nothing worked. I had no cash on me, so eventually the guy in line behind me felt bad and swiped for me so I could get my food. Then when I get back to my room, I call the bank because I shouldn’t have gotten declined. Turns out, after I didn’t come home for Christmas, my dad had decided to close out my bank account full of money that I had worked for and saved up for the entire year as some kind of punishment. That was all the money I had left for my entire first year of university. The last activity on the account that they could find was a deposit into my account and then into my mum and dad’s joint bank account for exactly the value of my car. My dad sold my car, that I had paid for mind you, without my knowledge, pocketed the money, closed out the account and, from where I’m sitting, presumably took that money as well.” 

“How could he close out the account? Your name was on it,” Phil asked, the tear stains still on his cheeks making Dan’s heart shatter. 

“His name was on it too, technically speaking. It was a student account, and it had to have a legal guardian’s name on it. After that, my life basically went to shit. No one was paying my tuition. My parents just stopped, so I had to go beg the financial aid department to let me stay, and they did. By the force of the Lord Himself I somehow made that one work, and I basically lived in my jail cell of a hall for five years. Anne is a literal saint on earth and paid for anything that wasn’t covered by my loans. You can figure out the rest I’m sure. I went out to Angels for my internship and residency, then came back here. I haven’t spoken to my biological family at all in the ten years since it happened. I’m not even sure they know I’m a doctor or that I lived in the States. That one night, Drew’s one night of selfish actions, ruined my entire life. He ruined my relationship with my family, my financial stability, and my mental health, which was honestly kind of shit even before that. I’m still dealing with the effects of it ten years on. I’m _just_ getting back on my feet financially and obviously still dealing with the mental health stuff as well. Everything, and I truly mean everything, in my life was impacted by what happened to me.” 

Phil didn’t know what to say. Hearing how much Dan had gone through made the fact that he was even back in London an amazing thing to Phil. After a few seconds of intense eye contact between the two of them, Dan’s face changed from a blank expression to one of horror. “You’re going to leave me now aren’t you? Oh God, I–”

“Hey, stop that right now,” Phil said through his own tears, standing up and sitting back on his heels in front of Dan. He pulled Dan into him, and Dan clung onto Phil’s shirt, his tears staining the cotton. Dan sobbed and sobbed, his body and chest heaving with the intensity of his emotions. Phil could feel his heart beating through his chest, and he pressed his face into Dan’s hair and cried his own tears. He hated that everything bad in the world, it seemed, had happened to Dan, and that his own family wasn’t involved in his life anymore, and most importantly that Dan was afraid that Phil would leave him over something like this. After a long time, Dan’s breathing started to even out and his heart rate slowed down again. He leaned back against the cabinets with his eyes shut as he breathed in and out a few times. 

“Open your eyes, Dan,” Phil pressed gently, and Dan could feel tears welling up in his eyes again.

“No, because I’m either going to burst into tears again or start laughing hysterically, and I don’t know which is worse right now.” He opened his eyes after a few seconds and met Phil’s, smiling a wide and genuine smile as tears tracked their way down his face. “I swear you’re too good of a person for me sometimes. I have no idea how I got so lucky,” Dan murmured, cupping Phil’s cheek in his hand. “I was worried about telling you because I don’t want you to see me as a victim, or as dirty or gross or anything like that, I want you to see me for–well, me.”

Phil nodded in understanding as he sat down properly on the floor, taking the hand Dan had on his face and turning it over a couple times. “You will never be any of those things to me, I promise you that. What happened to you was just a single night, not your entire life. You are you regardless of what happened to you ten years ago or what happens to you in the future. You’re my person, and I want to help you through whatever’s happening right now. Whatever it takes, however hard it may be. I want to help you.” 

Dan was quiet for a moment, his eyes misty again. “Do you know how much I love you? God, I love you so much it hurts,” he said with the same smile painting his features. “You’re one of the most genuinely good-hearted people I know. You’ve become my standard for how I measure the rest of humanity, and you’ve just raised the bar about ten notches, I hope you know that.” 

“I love you too.” Phil paused before continuing. “You are an amazing man, and I love you for so many reasons that I can’t even begin to list them all. He took one night from you, not your entire life, and I’ll keep repeating that until you know it’s true. I want to help you get better, no matter what it takes. We can figure this out, just like we do everything else. One step at a time, right?” 

Dan nodded and wiped his eyes. “Yep, one step at a time. Thank you. For everything. For letting me into your world and your unconditional love and being so understanding and for being the most incredible person I’ve ever met and...just for being you.”

“You don’t ever need to thank me for any of that, Dan. Now, did you eat at all yesterday?” he asked as he stood up, holding his hand out to help Dan up off the floor. 

“Not really, no, but I still don’t feel up to it. I just want to go sleep. I haven’t done that either.” 

After finally telling Phil everything that had happened to him, Dan was sure Phil would treat him differently, as many other people had. Dan had spent too long feeling like a charity case, but in typical Phil fashion, nothing changed between them. An enormous weight had lifted off Dan’s shoulders, and telling his story proved to Dan that Phil was the person he could trust with everything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you are going through any of the topics in this story, please know that there are resources for you to reach out to should you need them. You are not alone.
> 
> Rape Crisis of England and Wales: www.rapecrisis.org.uk/rapecrisisspecialistservices.php  
> RAINN: www.rainn.org/about-national-sexual-assault-telephone-hotline  
> Trevor Project: www.thetrevorproject.org  
> Heads Together UK: www.headstogether.org.uk  
> Young Minds UK: https://youngminds.org.uk/  
> Hope for the Day US/worldwide: www.hftd.org


	5. Guillotine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _"I know that you love me even when I lose my head."_ \- Jon Bellion

A few weeks later on a muggy summer night, Dan was working on logging his patients from earlier in the night when a nurse practically ran up to him at the desk and stood there in silence waiting for him to finish. “Amanda, that board behind us has said code black since eleven this morning and it’s ten pm on a Saturday. There’s zero time for hesitation right now,” Dan said, keeping his eyes on the computer he was working on.

“There’s a girl in the lobby who brought her friend from a party. The friend is unconscious in the backseat of her car. It looks like a sexual assault case.” Dan immediately started walking swiftly down the hallway with the nurse. “She found the friend unconscious in a bedroom when she went to go look for her so they could leave. Speak calmly, she’s a wreck right now.” Dan nodded and approached a young blonde girl standing by the desk.

“Hi there, I’m Doctor Howell. What’s your name? Where’s your friend?” he asked in as even and calm of a tone as he could manage. 

The girl could barely get out an answer. “I’m Erica. She’s um–she’s in my car, should I go get her?” Erica went to leave but Dan shook his head. 

“Nope, I’ll send someone to go get her, is your car in the car park or by the door?” When Erica said by the door, Dan nodded to the nurse who paged the emergency staff to go get her, and he finally got a chance to look at the girl’s file. His blood ran cold when he looked at the name. 

Rebecca Grace Howell. 

“Troye, page Doctor Lester for me immediately. I know we’re in code black but tell him that I need him, and that it’s urgent,” Dan said, trying his best to mask his emotions. “And Erica, come follow me to a private waiting room. I’ll be with you in a moment, okay?” 

After Erica was in the waiting room by herself, Dan stood beside the door, hands shaking and breathing ragged. This was not happening, he was in some sick nightmare again, one of the ones where everyone’s eyes turn black and blood pours out of their mouths or something equally horrifying, not his real life. Everything was fine, no one was hurt, everything was as it should’ve been.

Of course, Anne happened to be walking past and did a double take when she saw him. “Howell, what’s going on, talk to me.” 

He looked at Anne and didn’t try to hide what was going on as he spoke in a shaky voice. “It’s my sister. My sister is the rape that just came in. My sister who I haven’t seen in ten years. My sister who’s still a minor, so guess who’s going to have to make an appearance?”

“Mother and Father dearest,” Anne said with an edge to her voice. “I’ll page Phil for you.”

Dan shook his head. “Don't bother—Troye already did. I haven’t seen him once since we got here, and it’s been code black all day.” 

“Doesn’t matter, I’ll keep at it until his pager explodes,” Anne said, pulling her glasses out of her pocket and typing away on her pager. Before she could even finish typing the message out, someone ran up to them, almost slamming into Dan. After a brief moment of panic, Dan realized it was Phil. He was panting a little bit, his glasses were crooked, and his hair was slightly messed up, which clearly added up to him running a good distance through the hospital to get to Dan.

“I got here as quick as I could, I was up in surgery, what’s happening? Troye said it was urgent.” Phil panted a little, leaning against the wall. When Phil casually dropped the fact that he was in surgery, Dan’s eyes widened.

“Phil! Did you just abandon your patient in surgery?! What the hell, go back right now,” Dan demanded. Phil pushed himself off the wall and held his hands out in front of him in the way he did to the patient's’ family members when they got too worked up.

“Hey, hey, relax, it was a simple procedure, I wasn’t doing anything, one of the residents had it completely under control and we were closing up when Troye paged me. You are more important than anything else I could be doing. Now, try to stay calm and tell me what’s happening, you haven’t snapped at me like that in a long time,” Phil said calmly. 

Dan took a deep breath and steadied himself before speaking again. “One of the nurses came to tell me that there was a possible sexual assault patient brought in by a friend, and that patient is my sister who’s still a minor, which means I have to call my parents, and I don’t know if I’m going to be able to look at my parents, let alone speak to them, without some kind of fight happening.” 

Phil nodded as Dan spoke. “We can figure this out, okay? All you have to do is talk it through. Have you called them yet?” When Dan shook his head, Phil nodded again. “Alright, you need to call them because she’s still a minor. Before we do that, where is she?”

“On sides right now. From the look of it she’s got a concussion, some kind of neck injury because she was choked, probably a couple broken ribs, and some alcohol in her system.” Just as Dan finished speaking, his pager started to go off. He grabbed it out of his pocket and when he read what it said, all the color drained from his face. 

“Oh God no, she’s crashing,” Dan shouted as he took off sprinting, sounding like he was just barely keeping it together. Phil followed closely behind him to a brunette girl with curls like Dan’s. “Oh my God, okay, someone grab me some pressors, get those ready for an IV push,” Dan shouted at one of the nurses beside him. They did as they were told, and somehow Dan managed to get the syringe into Rebecca’s IV even though his hands were visibly shaking. His breathing started to quicken and he couldn’t feel his hands, he was starting to launch himself into a panic attack. His sister was coding in front of him and he was too worried about himself to do his job and treat her. 

Phil’s hands on his shoulders startled him out of his trace. “Dan, are you okay?” 

He shook his head and stepped back. Phil understood what Dan meant without him having to say anything.

“Okay, that’s fine, everything’s going to be okay, but if you’re just here as one of her family members you know that you have to be behind the orange line on the floor.” When Dan didn’t respond, Phil knew it was bad. His eyes were glassed over, and he couldn’t focus on one thing. His skin was as pale as a sheet of paper and he was shaking. “Dan? Can you hear me?” Dan nodded his head yes. “Do you have to vomit? There’s a sink right behind you if you do.” 

Dan shook his head and blinked a few times, his eyes clearing up quickly. “No, I’m fine, I’m okay. Let’s get her to center stage. Someone have a central line kit, eight of morphine and a mobile x-ray ready for me when we get there. Connor and Troye, come with me.” Phil ran ahead to get everything ready for Dan, almost in a panic himself, which hadn’t happened in years. His hands were visibly shaking as he opened the central line kit and laid everything out in parallel lines the way Dan liked. Dan and the residents arrived shortly after, Louise in tow behind them, and immediately Dan grabbed the scalpel and guide syringe to open up a central line as quick as he could. He was barking out orders to Troye and Connor, who’d followed him in, and they were every bit as panicked as Dan. After he got the central line in and started Rebecca on a round of painkillers, he pulled the mobile x-ray machine over her. “Okay, Louise, fire away,” he called. After a few seconds the image of Rebecca’s ribs and pelvis appeared on the screen beside them. He pointed at the large crack running through one of her hips and at some ribs that were pushed in on her right side. “Okay, see the fracture in her hip right there? Who can tell me what kind of fracture that is?” 

“You’re really teaching on her?” Louise asked. 

Dan nodded. “Treat everyone the same, I’d ask the same of them if it was anyone else,” he replied, keeping his voice as calm as he could manage.

Aside from the crazed beeping from her monitors, everything was quiet. Through the quiet, Dan heard the tapping sound of someone typing on a phone screen and felt his blood start to boil.

“Doctor Franta, put the phone away and look me in the eye immediately.” Dan was seething, standing at his full height while the two residents in front of him cowered. “I’d like to remind you that this is my sister on the table right now. If you cannot be of any use to me, go upstairs to dermatology for all I care and make yourself useful there. I will not have my residents googling what to do when anyone is on center stage. Am I making myself clear?” When they didn’t respond, Dan shouted his question again. “Doctors Sivan and Franta, am I clear?!” Both the residents nodded quickly and darted out of the curtained off area as quickly as they could. 

“There was no reason for you to be so harsh with them. They're just learning,” Louise chided. Dan glared up at her from where he was bent over Rebecca.

“Tell me that again when it’s Darcy on the table and they’re googling what to do with her. Someone hold her right arm up and her left arm down, the ribs aren’t broken but popped out of place and they’re impacting her lung function, that’s why she’s decompensating,” Dan said with no emotion in his voice, a startling change from the anger he’d shown only seconds before. Phil and Louise followed Dan’s orders as they watched him push all four ribs back into place, one at a time. That was one of the sounds of the hospital Phil could never get used to, the _crack_ of bones being relocated like that. It made his skin crawl more than the blood and guts he saw on a regular basis. Immediately after Dan was done, Rebecca’s oxygen level started to rise and her monitor started evening out. Dan nodded and looked at Phil and Louise, his eyes still wide with barely-concealed panic. “Someone get her in line for a CT scan on her head and up to the OR to set that break. Now if you’ll excuse me I’m going to the toilet to puke for the next few minutes. Doctor Lester and the residents can handle my patients.” 

Louise tipped her head towards where Dan had run off to and mouthed ‘go’ to Phil, who followed Dan through the hospital. Dan made it to the door of the staff toilets before he took a few deep breaths and turned around. “Just kidding, I think I'm alright,” he stated firmly before nodding a couple times and opening his eyes to smile weakly at Phil. “Yeah, I'm fine, false alarm.” 

Phil asked Dan if he was sure a couple times, and Dan nodded a few times and smiled. His attention was caught by someone behind Phil, his slight smile falling, and when Dan pointed at the person Phil turned around. 

He was met with a familiar face, someone he’d hoped he’d never see again, with a young boy wrapped in a blanket holding his hand. “Josh?” Phil asked, stunned not even beginning to describe how he felt in that moment. Anne quickly took the boy’s hand and led him away, Josh not breaking the eye contact for a second before turning around dramatically and following them down the hallway. 

Tonight was going to be much longer than either of them had expected. 

-

Phil poured himself another cup of coffee in the staff room, sighing a bit as he tried to work out his plan of attack for the night. Seeing Josh again on top of what was happening with Dan was pulling him in a million different directions and he wasn’t sure what to do. Someone opening the door to the staff room made him look up. 

“If you’re here to ask me for more money Josh, the answer’s no, just like the last time,” Phil said flatly, turning his attention back to the cream he was stirring into his coffee.

“I don’t want your money. Ryan’s sick and I wasn’t going to take him to the hospital where Bryce and I work. It gets crazy there on Saturdays.” Phil set the spoon in his coffee down on the counter and looked at Josh with an expression of disbelief, leaning against the counter with his mug in his hand. 

“So you decided the better option between your private referrals-only hospital and my NHS-funded public hospital was to pop into St. Thomas’ at midnight on a Saturday? Have you forgotten what Saturdays here are like? The last woman I treated had been waiting for over eighteen hours to be seen. We’ve been in code black since at least eleven this morning. There are 75 doctors and nurses on staff and over 600 people out there. If Ryan needs my help, I’ll go see him, but don’t think I’m helping your kid for your benefit. He’s a child and he shouldn’t be caught in the middle of this.” Josh rolled his eyes and stepped closer to Phil. Before he could say anything else, Phil spoke again, putting his free hand up to lightly push against Josh’s chest. “I know what you’re going to say, so don’t even try. You’re going to tell me that you were man enough to own up to what you did. That’s what you said the night everything exploded. I always told you the truth and was faithful to you, even when things got rough. I never lied to you. Not even little white lies.” He put his hand down before continuing. “How old is Ryan now? Has he asked how you two met? Did you tell him the truth, or did the two of you lie to your son’s face?” 

“If I remember correctly, Ryan considered you his dad too,” Josh growled at Phil. “If you’re going to be like that I could’ve just stayed at home.” 

“Don’t even talk like that Josh, you’re a nurse and your kid is sick, there’s no way you were leaving him at home. And don’t try and use your child as a pawn to guilt trip me in my own hospital, you’re not helping your case at all. Now if you’ll excuse me, my patients, including my boyfriend’s sister, are waiting for me.” 

“Wait, who are you with now? Do I know him?” 

Phil turned around from where he was standing in the threshold of the room. “Does it matter? Who I’m seeing really doesn’t concern you now.”

“I can just ask Anne if you won’t tell me. She knows everything that goes on in this hospital.”

Phil rolled his eyes. This whole conversation was falling back into old routines–accusatory bullshit that Phil didn’t need to or want to deal with, frankly. “You’re prying again. I’ll have one of my residents look at Ryan. It might be a while though,” he said quietly before shutting the door and walking away. 

Dan was waiting outside the door, biting his nails. “Everything alright?” he asked as he followed Phil down the hall. His voice was nervous and tense—obviously this had only added to his anxiety over his sister.

“Yeah, he’s just being his usual self, trying to guilt trip me into getting what he wants. It’s not going to work this time though.”

They walked in silence down the corridor before Dan pulled Phil off to the side a bit. “Hey, are–are we okay?” he asked sheepishly, his own insecurities clear in the way he asked the question. 

“We are absolutely fine, I don't want you to worry. Everything's fine,” Phil said gently, pulling Dan close to his chest with his free arm and pressing a kiss against his forehead. It was a rare show of affection in their workplace between them, and neither of them cared if anyone saw them. If anyone else saw them and had an issue with it, that was their problem. Taking care of his family was more important to Phil in that moment than anyone’s opinion. 

-

After seeing a few more patients and making sure Rebecca was okay and out of surgery, Dan and Phil stood behind the doctors’ station to make the phone call to Dan’s parents. Dan bit his fingernails as Phil dialed the Howell’s home phone number. Out of the corner of his eye he caught Dan biting his nails and swatted his hand away from his mouth, giving him a look. When someone picked up on the other line, he turned his attention back to the phone call.

“Hi there, sorry to bother you at such a late hour. This is Doctor Lester at St. Thomas’ Memorial Hospital in London, to whom am I speaking? Hello Mr. Howell, I have your daughter Rebecca here in the Accident and Emergency department and I’d like for you to come–legally I can’t give you any information over the phone–yes I realize she’s your daughter but per law I can’t disclose any information over the phone.” 

After a few more minutes of back and forth between them, and what sounded like some input from Dan’s mother as well, Phil hung up the phone and sighed. “Well that just happened,” he said. “They said they’d be here in about two hours.” 

“What? Where the hell did they even move to? We used to live twenty minutes outside of London. Did they not want me to find them that badly?” Dan asked in disbelief. He knew things weren't great between him and his family, but if they really were bad enough that the closest they could stay to London was two hours away, things must've been way worse than he had originally thought. 

Even though he was assigned to center stage that night, Dan made the executive decision (with Doctor Green’s approval) to switch to fast track out in the waiting room instead. He spent the next two hours out there applying stitches, handing out ibuprofen, giving albuterol, and performing other quick fixes to the quickest and easiest patients. At around three in the morning, Dan’s pager beeped with a message from Phil. 

_“The storm’s arrived, conference room 2. File is on the doctor’s station. Will be down ASAP.”_

Dan grabbed Rebecca’s file and took a deep breath before opening the door to the conference room. He’d tried to brace himself for seeing his parents for the first time in a long while, but no matter how he tried to prepare himself for this moment, the shock of seeing them again still hit him like running face first into a brick wall. He nodded cordially instead of saying anything, and of course, his mother grew weepy as she stood up and walked towards his side of the table.

“Dan? Is that you?” she asked with an almost reverent tone, trying to take his face in her hands as he backed up a step.

“Yep. It's me,” he said flatly, trying to keep his emotions out of his voice. “Please...don't touch me. Have a seat again, I’m just waiting for another doctor who’s been assigned to help treat Rebecca, he should be here in a few moments.” 

“She goes by Becca now,” Dan’s mum said before she stepped back to where her seat was by the table. It was in that moment that Dan realized just how disconnected he was from his family. She’d always been Rebecca and she’d told him that she never wanted to go by Becca. His father extended his hand for a shake and pulled him out of his thoughts. 

“After all the bullshit you put me through and ten years of nothing, all I get is a handshake?” Dan glared down at it, then back up at his father’s face. “Have a seat,” Dan said curtly, aiming his face back down at Rebecca’s file and pulling a chair out opposite his parents. Luckily, Phil walked in right as Dan sat down and introduced himself cordially. 

“At least one of them has some tact,” Dan’s father muttered under his breath, which made Dan inhale sharply and rub his temples out of frustration.

“Dad, please. All I’m asking for is a half hour. Just give me that much.” 

Phil tried to avoid more conflict by stepping in and speaking carefully. “I know that emotions are running high all around right now, so why don’t we just take a second–”

Dan’s father interrupted Phil with a sharp and intimidating tone. “If you’re going to pile all that new-age therapy nonsense on us right now, save it. We’re fine. Now, tell me what’s wrong with my daughter this instant or there will be a scene. We drove two hours to be here because whichever receptionist called us wouldn’t tell us what happened over the phone.” 

“That ‘receptionist’ that called was the doctor sitting beside me, and we wanted you to hear in person that your daughter was raped at a party tonight. How’s that for you?” Dan gave the same tone in reply, the power play apparent in even the way they were looking at each other. 

His father rolled his eyes and threw his hands up in frustration. “So we’re going through all this nonsense all over again, just like we did with him?” Dan’s dad shouted, speaking as if Dan wasn’t sitting directly across from him.

“Mr. Howell. If you have another outburst like that, we’re going to have no other choice but to call security and have you removed from the premises. Please just listen to what we have to say. Your daughter was sexually assaulted, and before anyone says anything, nothing she did caused this. The only one at fault is the boy who did it to her.” Phil’s voice remained calm as ever, and to show his thanks Dan gently took Phil’s hand under the table. Phil squeezed his hand as a small silent way of saying ‘I’ve got you.’ 

“Will she be alright?” Dan’s mother spoke for the first time since they’d sat down and both Dan and Phil nodded.

“Well, we can talk about her mental state a bit more after she wakes up, but yes, she’ll make a full physical recovery. She does have a concussion, so that poses some worry for us, but her CT scan came up clean, and at the moment she’s stable. She has a broken hip and some of her ribs were dislocated. We fixed her ribs, and she just got out of surgery to reset her hip.” 

“Did you do her surgery?” Dan’s father barked at him when he finished talking. 

Dan was curt and direct with his father, trying to engage with him as little as possible. “No.” 

“Why not?”

Dan returned the tone with his arms crossed. “I'm not that kind of doctor. I’m credentialed for emergency surgery, and a broken hip isn't immediately life threatening.” 

Dan’s dad started in again in the same tone he’d taken before. “Well, in my opinion–”

Dan cut him off quickly. “Last time I checked, there’s only one Howell in the room who has the initials that stand for ‘medical doctor’ after their name and that’s me, so for now, please keep your opinions to yourself. May I continue?” Phil looked at Dan, dumbfounded, as Dan’s father seethed silently from across the table. “I'll take that as a yes. We’ll keep her here for at least the next couple of days to monitor the concussion and the hip, and we’d recommend since you live so far away that you get a hotel or find someone to stay with so that you can be the ones to take her home.” 

After a few more minutes, a nurse poked his head in, telling Dan that a center stage patient was on their way. He rushed out the door and left Phil alone to usher his parents out of the hospital. 

Louise was waiting for them at the bench beside the door. “How was he?” she asked Phil when he shut the door. “I saw him run away towards the drop-off bay.” 

Phil sat next to her and looked her in the eyes. “I’ve never seen him that angry before. I mean we’ve had little arguments before where he’s gotten frustrated or whatever, but he’s never been _angry_ like that.” He pushed his glasses up on top of his head and rubbed his eyes, then put them back on. “And then Josh decided it’d be a great night to show up again and screw everything up, so basically tonight is turning into a giant cluster–cluster you-know-what,” Phil said, stopping himself before he swore while at work. 

“Come make rounds on sides with me?” he asked Louise before they stood up and started checking on their other patients. It was silent between the two of them in the way of small talk; they mostly just talked about their patients as they meandered around the hospital in a haze. They saved Josh’s son Ryan for last, and luckily he would be fine; he just had a severe flu and a lung infection. Louise mostly handled that as Phil stood back and watched, feeling Josh’s blue eyes glaring at him the entire time. It was uncomfortable to say the least, but everyone who’d been there for a while knew how to run interference between them so nothing would happen. Phil wanted to talk to Josh and try to patch things up, but it was clear that nothing between them could be saved. He hated being so cold with Ryan—he was just a kid, and Phil hated that he was caught in the middle of this—but he needed to break all his ties with the family for his own mental health. He didn’t want this to drive a wedge between him and Dan either, not with the uncertainty of Dan’s family being thrown back into the mix. Everything was up in the air for everyone tonight, and the less drama, the better. 

-

While Phil was downstairs tending to his patients, Dan was upstairs near the recovery room his sister was in with Anne beside him. He was trying to work up the nerve to go in and talk to her for the first time since he’d left his family behind years ago. 

“Anne, I don’t know if I can do this,” Dan said, his hands shaking as he carded them through his hair. “That’s my sister in there, she–”

“Hey, hey, breathe for me, Howell. Breathe,” Anne said. She brushed some of the curls off his face and held her hand under his chin. “There is no other person in this hospital I’d trust more with Rebecca’s care than you. You know what it’s like to be in her position, and you know her better than anyone else here. Don’t let your self-doubt trip you up. You can do this, dear, I know it.” 

He nodded when she let go of his chin, taking a deep breath. After a few moments of silence, he spoke again. “Very random request, but can you call down to the kitchen and have someone bring something up for her?”

“Of course, what can I get?”

“Um, an ice cream sundae with no nuts and extra whipped cream. She’s got a bit of white coat syndrome. Only way our grandma could get her to go to the doctors was if she promised we’d get ice cream afterwards.” Anne laughed and nodded.

“I think I can make that happen. After the day she’s had she definitely deserves it.” Anne smiled at Dan and brushed some nonexistent dust off of his scrubs. “Now, go in there and take care of your sister.”

When Anne turned and walked away from him, Dan sighed again, staring at his trainers before grabbing Rebecca’s file and turning the knob on the door. She looked so tiny in the bed, as if she were seven years old again like the last time he saw her. “Hey Becca, how’re you feeling? Mum said you go by Becca now?” She shrugged and nodded, not saying anything. All he wanted to do was say something to make her feel better. He didn’t want this stupid feud between him and their parents to extend between the two of them. The room was quiet, a thick unsettling kind that made both Dan and Becca uncomfortable. She was the first to break it.

“I’m sorry.” It was a very matter-of-fact statement, clearly an apology for what happened to Dan years ago. Of course he knew this, but he still wanted to hear it from someone else. 

“What for?” he asked, keeping his eyes on the paper he was filling out. 

“For what happened to you...” When she trailed off, he glanced at her from the corner of his eyes, his face blank. “I had no idea how awful–and how it keeps playing over and over in your head and...” She took a shaky breath, steadying herself. “Yeah, I just–I’m sorry.” 

Dan looked back down at the folder in his hands, nodding a bit. He had no idea how she’d found out about what happened to him—he was fairly certain he hadn’t told her, so maybe she found out from one of their parents or another family member. “Thank you.” He kept his face flat as he scribbled down her heart rate and blood pressure before continuing. “The memories don’t go away, but, what I want you to understand is that no matter what Mum or Dad–or anyone for that matter–says to you or asks you, it wasn’t your fault. You said no, he didn’t listen. End of story.” 

She didn’t acknowledge what he’d said, just stared at a spot on the wall behind his head. After another few moments, Dan sat on the edge of the bed to listen to her heart and lungs, looking at his sister when he was done. “I uh–I hope you don’t mind, but an ice cream sundae should be coming up to your room in a few minutes. On the house from your favourite brother.” 

“You’re my only brother, you idiot.” Becca smiled, a crack in the hard shell she was already building up around herself. “Extra whipped cream, no nuts?”

Dan nodded. “How could I possibly forget?” Her smile widened, and she seemed more relaxed before Dan spoke again. “Have Mum and Dad seen you yet?” 

She shook her head. “No, and I don’t want them to come in here until all the...tests...are done. How much have you told them?”

Dan’s lips pressed into a thin line. “Legally, you are a minor, so we had to tell them what happened to you. Beyond that, you can disclose whatever you want when you see them, but they needed to know. We’ll get everything done tonight so they can see you. They keep asking about you.” She nodded, her eyes filling up. She was staring at the wall again, eyes blank, and in her daze she reached for Dan’s hand and gripped it as if she were anchoring herself to reality. After a few moments she cleared her throat.

“Can you just leave me alone for a while?” Dan nodded, standing up and grabbing her file from the table beside her. 

“Remember, if you need anything, I’m here.” 

Dan shut the door to Becca’s room, their parents waiting patiently for him. He couldn’t hold his tongue. “Don’t you dare treat her like you treated me. She deserves better than that.” He kept his face expressionless. This whole situation was making his blood boil. When the exact same thing happened to him, all they did was blame him and make him feel as if he had no one supporting him. By comparison, Rebecca had all the support in the world from them, she was the golden child after all. It didn't matter what he did; he put himself through medical school, he became the best doctor he possibly could be, he bettered himself and his life after everything fell apart, and yet he still wasn’t enough for his own parents. The thought weighed heavily in his chest as he walked down the hall towards the lift.

“Daniel,” his mum said, following behind him for a portion of the hallway. “Dan, stop. Let me talk to you?”

Dan sighed in exasperation and turned around to face her. “There’s nothing to talk about. What happened between the three of us happened and it’s in the past now. I’m not a part of the family anymore, that was made perfectly clear to me ten years ago. For right now, we have to coexist in the same space for a while, and that’s fine, I can handle it. We’re all grown-ups, we can play nice together for a few hours. But don’t kid yourself and think that I want to try to repair our relationship, because I don’t. The only connection I have to _your_ family anymore is a surname and some DNA. That’s it. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m at work right now, and I’ve got a job to do.” 

“Can’t we just try? Think about what these years have done to us, to _our_ family. I can’t speak for your dad, but I want to have at least a somewhat normal relationship with you.” She paused, her voice choked up again when she spoke. “I know you have other patients to get to, but just...just think on it for a while. Okay?” He nodded once and turned around, Phil sneaking up beside him to walk with him towards the lift. 

There was a soft silence between them before Phil spoke. “That looked intense, is everything alright?” 

“Yes. It’s fine. I have it under control. Just my stupid family drama from years ago being brought up again. Nothing I can’t handle,” he stated, an edge to his voice that Phil had never heard from him before.

“Are you sure? You don’t sound okay right now.” Phil could sense from Dan’s curt tone and his body language that he was extremely uncomfortable. 

Dan let out an annoyed sigh as he jabbed one of the buttons in the lift and waited for the door to close. “I rebuilt my entire life and made something of myself completely on my own after I was raped by my ex-boyfriend and shoved out of my own family by my father while my mother just watched. Now they’re trying to force their way back into my life as if everything is fine and dandy between us. Not exactly how I wanted to spend my Saturday night.” 

Phil stood beside Dan and wrapped his arm around his shoulders, pulling him close and rubbing his arm a little. “Hey, we’ll figure it out okay? Right now, it’s about your sister and making sure she gets better as fast as she can. We’ll work out all the other stuff later.” 

Dan sighed and leaned into Phil a little. “I know you’re right, but constantly hearing my parents guilt tripping me over this whole situation is so frustrating. It wasn’t my choice to cut myself off from them, they did that to me, and nothing they say can change that.” 

The rest of the night went just about as any code black night was expected to go—it was incredibly busy, but the entire time Dan was working on other patients, his mind kept drifting back to his sister upstairs. He really shouldn’t have gotten involved with his family again; it was only bringing unnecessary drama back into his life he’d thought he’d left behind a long time ago. But right now, his sister needed someone to understand what she was going through, and clearly some outside force beyond anyone’s control had decided he was supposed to be that someone. 

Later, after that night had faded into early morning and they’d changed shifts, Anne poked her head into the staff room while Dan was working on his laptop waiting for Phil to finish. The look on her face told Dan everything he needed to know. He followed her upstairs quietly, neither of them saying anything in the lift. She dropped him off at Becca’s room and gave him a hug before walking away. 

He knocked on the door quietly and waited for Becca to say something. When he shut the door, she burst into tears and opened her arms for him to hold her. She kept crying and crying, so much so that she could barely breathe, and when she finally got her breath back, she vented to Dan about everything that happened that night and how she wanted everything to go back to normal.

“Every single time a nurse has come in here they’ve made me feel humiliated and ashamed for what happened, like it’s my fault. I just want life to be normal and not whatever the fuck this absolute nightmare is. This is literally my worst fear come true, Dan! Everything about tonight was awful,” she sobbed, rubbing her eyes with her hands and leaning back against the pillows. 

Dan thought for a moment, choosing his words carefully. “After something like this, it's never going to go back to what it was before. You have to find a new normal. It's hard and it takes a lot of work and you're going to have bumps in the road, but take it from someone who's been there—eventually you look around at life and the dust’s settled and everything seems okay again. It won’t be the same as life before, because you aren’t the same person anymore. But you sort of find a new self in the process of rebuilding your life. Bad things happen to good people, I see it every single day here. You're a good person, and a bad thing happened to you.” 

“But how will I know when everything’s okay again?” she asked, to which Dan didn’t really have an answer. 

“For me, it took moving five thousand miles away from home and nearly a decade to realize I was running from my problems, and that I couldn’t run away from myself or my own thoughts. I’m sure it’ll be different for you, but you just sort of know when your own turning point is. That’s not the important part though. The important part is that you will be okay,” he said, tucking some of her hair behind her ear and wiping the tears off her cheeks.

After a few moments, Becca stuck her pinky finger out, looking so much like the little seven year old Dan had last seen her as. “Pinky promise?” 

Dan nodded and locked his own pinky finger with hers. “Until forever and ever.” The old childhood mantra they shared tugged at something in Dan’s heart. Even if he didn’t reconnect with his parents, the relationship he and his sister had was too important to let slip away again.

-

“How long has he been in there?” Phil asked Anne after his shift was over, watching through the window beside the door. Dan and Becca were both asleep, and obviously had been for some time.

“Just about eight hours. Their parents went home right before shift change.” Anne stood closer beside Phil. “He’s been at this hospital for twenty straight hours. Been with his sister longer than their parents have. Take him home, get some food in him, and make sure both of you get some rest. You both have tomorrow off. It’s been a hell of a day for the both of you.” 

Anne gave Phil a pat on the shoulder and walked away, leaving him alone by the door. As quietly as he could, he opened the door and stood next to Dan, who had somehow curled his mile-long legs into the seat of a chair. “Hey Dan? It’s time to wake up, we’re going home,” Phil murmured, playing with his hair and dropping a kiss on his head. 

“I knew it!” a quiet voice behind him said, making Phil jump and turn around. “You two are together aren’t you?” Becca asked with the same shit-eating grin on her face Dan had when he was excited about something. The similarities between them were uncanny; it was hard to miss that they were siblings. “If you two aren’t out yet, I won’t tell anyone, I promise.” 

Phil laughed a little and pulled the doctor’s stool up to sit between the Howell siblings. “The important people already know–my family, a few of the other nurses and doctors, you, and most importantly the HR department.” 

Becca’s smile had turned softer, and her voice lowered to a joking tone. “Do you like him?”

Phil looked around the otherwise empty room conspiratorially and motioned for Becca to come a bit closer. “Between you and me, quite a lot.” She laughed, laying back against the pillows again and sitting in silence for a brief moment. 

She looked over at Phil again. “Do you love him?” she asked quietly, in a way that made Phil’s heart ache with sadness. He nodded.

“I don’t think there are enough words for me to describe how much I love him.” 

“Stop being gigantic saps, the both of you,” Dan said as he stretched out. 

Phil laughed and rubbed his hand up and down Dan’s back as he woke up a little more. “I know, I know, emotions are gross right?” 

“Not gross, they just take up too much of my time frankly,” Dan joked back. “But in any case, it's definitely time for us to get going. I know I’ll be back to see you tomorrow, if Anne will even let me through the door.”

“Don't count me out of that, I'm locking you in our house tomorrow. When was the last time you slept?” Dan gave Phil a ‘duh’ look and motioned to the current situation. “I meant in our bed at our house like a normal human, captain sassy pants.” 

“Uh, it's _Doctor_ sassy pants, thank you very much? I didn't pay for medical school to be referred to as _captain_ sassy pants,” Dan said with an air of sarcasm, making his sister laugh. Phil could tell he was extremely tired and that something was off, but he couldn't pinpoint exactly what.

The drive back to their flat was quiet for about half the ride, until Dan suddenly demanded that Phil pull over. He was gripping the door with white knuckles, and as soon as Phil stopped the car in a well-lit alleyway, Dan threw open the door and vomited. Phil got out and walked around to Dan’s side of the car, holding Dan as he sobbed, finally processing everything that had happened that night. Phil tried to comfort him in any way he could, but in that moment, there was, for the first time, truly nothing Phil could do or say. 

He gathered Dan into the car and kept saying that he knew how Dan was feeling, but Dan was having none of it. “No Phil, no. You have no idea. My sister and I were both complete accidents. Our grandma basically raised the two of us, our parents were always too busy for their kids, and even after the worst month of my entire goddamn life they told my grandma to cut me off as well. No one was ever at my theater stuff or Becca’s dance shows or anything because our parents couldn't be bothered with either of us. Y’know what they told her when they left the hospital tonight? They're driving back to wherever the fuck they live tonight, she made her way to London somehow and she has to find her own way back! That's how little they care about their own children, Phil. They're willing to strand one of their children two hours away from home with a metal plate and screws in her hip to prove a point,” Dan sobbed, Phil sitting beside him with his eyes focused on the road. “You and your brother are so, so lucky to have two parents who _care_ about their own kids. God, no matter what my mother says to me, please never ever let me see them again. Keep them out of my life for the next one hundred years as far as I’m concerned because I don’t think I can handle this.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you are going through any of the topics in this story, please know that there are resources for you to reach out to should you need them. You are not alone.
> 
> Rape Crisis of England and Wales: www.rapecrisis.org.uk/rapecrisisspecialistservices.php  
> RAINN: www.rainn.org/about-national-sexual-assault-telephone-hotline  
> Trevor Project: www.thetrevorproject.org  
> Heads Together UK: www.headstogether.org.uk  
> Young Minds UK: https://youngminds.org.uk/  
> Hope for the Day US/worldwide: www.hftd.org


	6. Burning House

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _"I've been sleepwalking, been wandering all night, trying to take what's lost and broke and make it right."_ \- Cam

It turns out, even when it came to matters he thought he was set on, Dan could be quite the pushover.

Somehow his mother roped him into staying with the family for a week over his Christmas vacation, and even more remarkably both Dan and Phil had managed to get the full week off. Phil, always a sucker for familial relationships, told him that he should at least try staying with them, even if it went terribly. At least they’d be talking again, he’d said, even if the “talking” would inevitably turn into fighting. After considering it for a few months and having some intense sessions with his therapist, everyone involved came to the conclusion that Dan could emotionally handle staying there. 

He left his and Phil’s apartment early in the morning a few days before Christmas, around ten am. Phil was kind enough to let him have the car for the week, which Dan knew was a deliberate move on Phil’s part. He wanted to give Dan a way to get home if he needed to. Judging by how the few days that Becca was in the hospital went, a way home before the week was over would probably be needed.

He arrived at his family’s small house just after midday, his feet crunching through the gravel as he walked up the driveway. He wasn’t exactly sure what to do when he got to the door. Was knocking appropriate in this scenario, or could he just let himself in? Finally, he used the knocker on the door and waited. After a few seconds Becca opened the door just as much as the chain would allow. 

“Hey, long time no see. Give me a second to tell Mum and Dad you’re here.” She turned around and yelled to the rest of the house that Dan had arrived. His mum rushed to the door, and when she was in Dan’s line of sight, she tried to make herself look as casual as possible. It made his heart ache that she was excited for him to be there, because excited was the last thing Dan was feeling in that moment. Dread was a better way to describe his current emotions, but he’d never tell anyone other than his sister that. 

“Hello darling, come on inside, it’s freezing out there,” his mum said as she took the chain off the door and stepped aside to let Dan in. The house was barely lit, and it felt tired and sad inside. There was an awkward few moments of silence where no one was really sure what to do, until finally Dan’s mum broke it. “Here, you can stay in the guest room. Becca, show him where it is?” The two siblings climbed the stairs of the unfamiliar home in a similar sort of silence. As they walked through the house, Dan looked around and saw that any trace of him was gone; most of the photos up were of Becca or other family members. Dan also noticed that Becca was walking with a bit of a limp now, which wasn’t much of a surprise after breaking her hip the way she did. 

She stopped at one of the doors and turned around to face him. “I have to warn you, they got rid of everything you left behind when you moved out. Well, just about everything. You and I get our sentimental sap gene from Mum so she dug a few things out of the bin when Dad wasn’t looking.” 

Dan laughed and stepped past his sister to open the door. It was a normal-sized room, with built-in shelves on the left side and a small TV facing the bed. “God, everything in this place is so generic. There’s barely anything from the old house in here.” 

After a few seconds of silence Becca piped up again. “Oh, also Mum wants to know if you’re still a vegan. Her exact words were, ‘Check if your brother is still on the vegan thing for me.’ I know for a fact the only food we have you’ll be able to eat is probably either pasta or white rice, sorry.” 

Dan rolled his eyes as he dropped his bags on the floor. “Can you believe that? ‘Still on the vegan thing,’ Jesus. Yes I am, but it’s fine. If it causes less drama between all of us, for the next week we’ll lie and say I’m not. We all have to exist at least somewhat peacefully together, and I’d rather not throw another wrench in the whole thing. You watch, I guarantee you that Dad and I will be at each others’ throats by the end of tonight.” 

Becca crossed her arms and flopped onto the guest bed. “Makes this whole situation sound pretty bleak when you put it that way.” She looked over at him and Dan tipped his head so they were level with each other. “At least you have an out. I’m stuck here. And stop doing that with your head, it makes you look like a dog.” She laughed, shoving her brother’s shoulder playfully and sitting back up. “So, a doctor, huh? Underachiever much?” 

Dan laughed. “Yeah, I guess so. What about you, miss ‘I want to be a space pirate when I grow up’? How’s that dream going?” Becca rolled her eyes and shoved Dan again.

“That dream died a long time ago. I’ve um–I’ve taken up art recently. I really like it. I actually have a show tomorrow. It’s not that great, though, so you don’t have to come if you don’t want to.” 

“Are you kidding? Of course I’ll come. I’m assuming Mum and Dad are too busy to go?” 

Becca nodded and blankly stared at the wall across from them. “Story of our lives, right?” 

Dinner later was painfully quiet, the only sounds between the four of them the subtle noises of eating and the harsh scraping of flatware against their dishes. Dan was seated at one of the heads of the table, his father directly across from him at the other end. It felt like a standoff between them, this weird, fragile politeness in the air that felt as if it could break at any moment. He gritted his teeth as he swallowed some of the sad-looking salad he’d made for himself. He reminded himself that he was doing this for his mum’s benefit, that she was the reason he was here. If at least trying to work things out would make her feel less guilty about what had happened between them, he’d try for her. 

Dan’s mum, ever the mediator between Dan and his father, talked politely to help fill the silence. “So, Dan, how’ve you been? How is everything at the hospital?”

Dan glanced up at her from where his head was aimed at the plate in front of him, then looked back down. “Fine. Busy I guess—we’re NHS-sponsored, so we’re almost always slammed.” He paused, debating if he should say anything about Phil. He coughed before he continued. “I met someone. One of the other doctors in the A&E. We’ve been seeing each other for a little under a year now.” 

He hadn’t seen his mother that happy in a long time. “Really?! Tell me about her, what’s she like?” 

He steeled himself internally for the reaction, expecting the worst but hoping for at a bare minimum some kind of indifference. They’d been over this many times before after he’d officially come out to his family, but the message hadn’t seem to stick with anyone aside from his sister. “ _His_ name is Phil Lester, he was the doctor with the black hair and the glasses that took care of Becca with me.” There was a sudden clatter from the other end of the table, where Dan’s father was sitting. Dan wasn’t going to dignify his reaction with even a look—he made sure to keep his eyes on his mother.

His mother’s smile diminished for a fraction of a second, then came back, more disingenuous and forced than before. “Oh, really? That’s–that’s wonderful, that’s just great,” she said, trying her best to sound excited, but Dan knew she was unsure of what to say. After another few moments of silence, she looked back at him with a slightly skeptical expression. “So...when you were sixteen and you told us you were gay...you were serious about that?” Dan started laughing but turned it into a cough to try to cover it up.

“Um, yes? Why wouldn’t I have been serious about it?” Dan asked, confused by the question. 

His mother made a big show of shrugging and picking at her food again. “No reason, just wondering.” Becca and Dan shared a look, which made both of them smirk. Even though it had been a long time since he’d interacted with any member of his family, he was glad his relationship with his sister was still more or less the same. She was too young to understand at the time; she was only seven, and he was sure their mum had just told her that he’d gone off to university. Now his heart hurt to think about the fact that she was going through the exact same thing he did. 

“That’s such wonderful news, I wish you’d told us sooner, just like with your doctorate. What else are you going to surprise us with tonight, huh? Are you two married and you just forgot to invite your family to that giant, life-changing event as well?” His dad’s tone was reserved and tense, meaning he wasn’t happy at all. 

Dan glared at his father from across the table. “No, we’re not married, and for your information I have an MD, not a doctorate. There's a difference. Doctorates are given to people in fields like education or mathematics—I work in medicine. And I’m sorry that I didn’t alert you of every little detail of my life while we weren’t speaking for a decade, I’ll remember to do that next time. Should I call and tell you before or after you change everyone’s phone numbers?” Becca laughed from the left side of the table, her smile falling when she was met with a stern glance from both parents. Tonight was going to be one of those nights, it appeared. One of those nights where tension ran high and stony silence would fill the house after dinner was over. Just like old times, Dan thought to himself. 

“Becoming a doctor of any kind is not a little life detail, we would’ve at least liked to have been informed that it was happening.” 

Dan dropped his flatware in frustration, the clattering of metal on wood making his mum and sister jump. “Again, how was I supposed to get in contact with you? You changed all the phone numbers for the whole family and moved out of our old house after I left. Clearly you didn’t want me around anymore.” 

“Daniel James, that’s quite enough.” Dan’s mother stepped back in, her tone the one she took when she meant business. The family of four was silent yet again, and Dan practically swallowed his food whole to get away from the table as quickly as he could. If night one was any indicator of how the week would go, they were in for a stressful seven days together. 

After the incident with his father at dinner, Dan locked himself in the guest room, alternating between pacing and sitting on the floor beside the bed, debating if he should call Phil to rescue him. The silence, like the house itself, felt as if it were eating him alive. 

Finally, he gave in and called Phil, who was visiting his family as well. Phil’s voice was as bright and happy as always when he answered the phone, as if Dan calling him at almost midnight while they were both away on holiday was a perfectly normal occurrence. 

“I’m so sorry to bother you Phil, I just–I don’t think I can make it a full week here. My dad and I went at each other over dinner tonight, just like I thought we would. I haven’t seen my family for over ten years and now all of a sudden they’re forcing themselves back into my life, and it’s like we don’t even know each other anymore. And I mean it’s not like we were joined at the hip before everything happened, but where do you start after quite literally a decade?” 

“Hey, hey, deep breaths for me okay?” Dan nodded and did just that, listening as Phil’s logical side took over. “You can’t rebuild an entire relationship in one night. Just see how it goes for the next couple of days, and if you can’t bear it any longer, you can come up here and stay with my family. We have plenty of room for you.” 

Dan sighed and started to relax. He truly didn’t deserve Phil in his life. “Thank you so much, I hate to intrude. I don’t want to drag you into my stupid family drama.”

“It’s not stupid at all, and I’m willing to do some shifting of things if it means more time with you.” 

“Are you sure I won’t be intruding?” 

“I’m completely sure, my family would even encourage you coming up to be with us for the week.” 

Dan sighed. “God, I really don’t deserve you, thank you.” 

“No thanks needed, we’re our own little family of two, right? It’s what family does for each other.” 

Family going out of their way to be accommodating for others was a foreign concept to Dan. For the majority of his teenage years, he and his sister were left to their own devices, as both their parents’ jobs required them to be out of the house more often than they were there. The fact that the Lesters hadn’t even met Dan yet and were willing to let him stay with them was incredible to him, and after talking through everything with Phil until the wee hours of the morning, Dan’s mind was pretty much made up. Depending on how the next day went, he’d fly from London up to the Isle of Man to spend Christmas with Phil’s family. Dan and Phil worked out which ticket for which airline he should get, and at four in the morning Dan finally hit ‘purchase’ and reserved his flight for two days later, two days before Christmas.

-

The next day, everyone orbited in large circles around each other, walking on eggshells as they all made their morning coffee in silence and tried not to set each other off. The same sort of weird, fragile politeness from the night before was back, and even after everyone else left for school and work, Dan felt like he couldn’t relax. 

At around midday, the house phone rang, which set alarm bells off in his head. No one ever called their house phone unless it was an emergency. 

“Doctor Howell speaking,” he said reflexively when he picked up the phone, kicking himself mentally. That sounded so pretentious when he wasn’t at the hospital.

“Hello, this is the headmistress over at Becca’s school. If it isn’t too much trouble, could you please come get her?” a prim, posh-sounding voice said from the other end of the line.

“Um, may I ask why?” Dan was confused by this point. Becca was a model student, well liked by just about everyone, so there was no reason that her school should be calling their house phone to have someone come get her.

“I think it’s best if we explain when you arrive. How soon can you collect her?” 

Dan glanced at the clock. “I’m about fifteen minutes away, is she alright? Are neither of our parents available?”

“Unfortunately neither your mother nor your father could be reached. We tried your home phone as a last resort,” the headmistress said, and her tone was such that Dan couldn’t read into what she was saying. 

“I’ll be over as soon as I can get there,” Dan said, hanging up the phone after saying goodbye and pacing for a moment. 

Somehow he managed to find the school in about twenty minutes. It was a large, imposing, brick and stone building with an ostentatious name and sign out front. He had to go through a security gate with a guard station at the front and present his ID while the guard called the school and asked if they knew he was coming. When the guard said “Mr. Howell,” Dan for once was quick to correct the guard and tell him that his official title was “Doctor,” which got him through the gate much quicker. When he got through the doors of the gigantic brick building, he was escorted to the headmistress’ office where Becca was sitting in front of the desk with her head aimed at the floor. A stuffy-looking older woman was seated behind the desk, typing slowly on a computer, only looking up when the door closed. 

“Ah, you must be Becca’s older brother. Have a seat for me, there are some things I’d like to discuss with you before Ms. Howell is sent home with you,” she said, motioning to the chair beside Becca.

“Yeah, that’s fine, I actually have a few questions myself. What happened?” Dan said as he sat down in the chair. Becca didn't look up from the floor, but she reached her hand out for Dan to hold while the headmistress explained what happened. She used to do that when she was very small; she’d grab onto someone’s hand when she was scared or worried about something. The headmistress went on to tell Dan that Becca had an altercation with another student, her friend Erica who’d brought her to the hospital the night of the party. Erica had made some comments about Becca’s behavior that night, and Becca slapped Erica in the hallway in between classes. 

“What did Erica say? She’s obviously not innocent in this,” Dan said. “Becca doesn’t just go around slapping people for no reason. She’s never been a violent person.” 

The headmistress cleared her throat. “Regardless of what she said, the fact is that at this time we do not have any rules regarding the comments students can or cannot make. Slapping another student, however, is clearly a violation of the rules, and it is my job to assign consequences accordingly, Mr. Howell.” 

Dan instantly felt his attitude change from confused to angry. He huffed out a small laugh of disbelief before continuing. “Are you serious? Erica was the one harassing another student—Becca was just defending herself. And what about the guy who assaulted her? Is he being punished? I’m guessing that sexual assault would be one of the apparently few things covered in the rulebook. And by the way, my title is Doctor. If we’re going to be professional right now I’d appreciate being addressed correctly.” It was rare that Dan corrected anyone like that, but the misuse of title felt condescending coming from the headmistress, especially after he’d introduced himself correctly on the phone and at the security gate.

The headmistress gave Dan a look of disapproval. “Well, I can’t punish anyone for things that happen outside of school hours, _Doctor_ Howell. For now though, if you could take Becca home for today, she is not welcome back on campus until after the holidays are over–”

“Miss Wellington, the advanced art show is tonight. Does that mean I won’t be able to be here for it?” Becca spoke for the first time since Dan had sat down. The headmistress nodded.

“Unfortunately, yes, and as you won’t be here for your class today, your work will not be displayed with the rest of your classmates’. I’m truly sorry, dear.” 

The drive back to the house was silent. Anytime Dan tried to turn on the radio, Becca immediately turned it off. When they finally pulled into their driveway, Becca broke the silence. “I had a panic attack when I saw him in the hallway. That’s why I slapped Erica.” Dan turned the car off and looked at Becca.

“Him who?”

She made eye contact with Dan, tears pooling in the corners of her eyes. “Him. The guy who did it. He smiled at me in this–this nasty way that made me remember everything from that night. It made me absolutely sick. And Erica kept telling me, ‘Oh, he’s looking at you, he’s smiling at you!’ And I told her I know, and I don’t want him looking at me like, ever, and she said to my face, ‘Well you acted like a slut that night at the party and let him fuck you, that’s why he’s looking at you,’ and I didn’t know what to say back. I just slapped her.” 

“You should’ve fucking decked her right there for saying that shit to you,” Dan muttered, his stomach lurching at the idea of seeing Drew again. “And what about him? Has anything been done against him? Did you decide to press charges?” 

She shook her head no. “There’s no way I could face him. Not right now at least. And you heard Miss Wellington—the school can’t punish anyone for what happens outside of school. It’s my word against his, too, and who would believe me?”

“I do, Phil does, the hospital does. Who would lie about something like that?” Dan was starting to get frustrated with Becca, not for what happened but because she wasn’t handling it the same way he did. “You can’t bottle this up forever, Becca— believe me, I tried that and it doesn’t work. You need to talk to someone. I can pull some strings and make some phone calls when I get home, find you someone—”

“Y’know what, just drop it for now, leave me alone. I’m fine, I’ll get over it myself. I don’t want to talk about this anymore.” She got out of the car and slammed the car door shut, followed by the front door to the house. 

-

Dinner that night was literally silent, no big fight or any conversation between anyone. Their parents didn't ask about the phone calls to them or why Becca wasn't at the advanced art class’s show that night—they discussed nothing at all about the day. It was weird, even for the strange dynamic the Howell family had. 

After dinner, everyone returned to their respective rooms, but Dan had other ideas. He hadn’t seen much of the house and decided to do some exploring around the first floor. There of course was a kitchen and a dining room, and the lounge with the big family TV that seemed rarely used. His father had an office on the first floor to which he didn’t dare open the door. After seeing just about everything, he opened a door to a room that only contained a black baby grand piano on an intricate, Oriental-style rug. He was surprised that his father had allowed the piano to stay after he’d been ousted from his family. The piano had been a present from his grandparents when he’d turned sixteen. He’d begged and begged for one for the longest time, and his parents kept telling him that there was no way he’d get one as they couldn’t afford it. Then one morning close to his birthday, his grandma led him to a room that had served as a den for him and his sister when they were little, and there was the piano of his dreams. That was the one thing Dan couldn’t take with him when he left the family, and for years he’d thought about that piano. He was sure he’d never see one like it again, but he had a small savings account set aside now with a meager amount of money in it in hopes of buying another one for himself when he had the space.

Dan sat down at the piano that held so many memories for him, hesitant to touch the keys. It was most likely horrifically out of tune because he was the only person in their family who knew how to play, and it had been years since he had touched the piano. Against his better thinking, he started playing the first few bars of “Pyramid Song” by Radiohead, an easy piece he knew like the back of his hand. Oddly enough, the piano was still relatively in tune. This time though, something felt different. The music was the same, but he’d changed drastically since the last time he was with his family.

This time, he played like he was running away from something, as if the only solace he found in the world was in the expanse of black and white his fingers danced over. He was running away from memories right now. From the past that had consumed him for the last ten years and the way his family made him feel. The walls felt as if they were closing in on him, suffocating him in a way he hadn’t felt in a long time. 

Abruptly he stopped, nearly in tears, and jumped when he heard a soft clapping from the door. He wiped his eyes quickly and took a sharp breath, looking up at his father standing in the doorway. 

“It’s nice to hear someone use the piano again.” Dan didn’t know what was happening. He was sure his dad was trying to play some kind of angle by acting so weirdly casual.

“Um. Thanks,” Dan said, painfully awkwardly, his voice still choked from his random crying jag. “You okay?” he asked, clearing his throat. “You haven’t been this casual with me since before I moved out.” 

“I should be asking you the same. Yes, I’m fine.” There was a pensive silence between them before his dad spoke again. “After your whole...thing, I worried that it had sucked all the life out of you. But when I would hear you play, it gave me hope that you were still alive in there somewhere. The way you could just–” he motioned with his hand in a weird little circle, “remember all that music, keep it all in your head, was something that astounded me and your mother about you. None of the rest of us could do that.” 

Dan shrugged, keeping his eyes on the floor. The confession from his father was something he never expected to get that night. He lifted his head up but wouldn’t make eye contact, looking all around as he spoke. “It’s not that hard I guess. I worked so hard to pay for piano lessons, it would be a shame if I could never remember anything. And I mean, you can say what happened to me out loud. It’s not a naughty word or anything.” 

“Daniel, I’m trying. The least you can do is give a little bit here. This is a two-way street.” His father’s tone suddenly became stern again, all traces of forced politeness gone.

He flinched at the tone his father took with him. It felt like he was seventeen years old again and in trouble for something he didn’t do. For something he never asked for, something he didn’t cause. 

“Don’t talk to me like I'm a child.” Dan took the same confrontational tone as his father, standing up and trying to walk out of the piano room. His dad turned to the side and let him go by, following after him. “And I'm not stupid either, so don't treat me like I am.” 

“I know you’re not stupid. You’re a doctor at the top hospital in England for God’s sake.” Dan stopped by the door to the kitchen, turning around and facing his dad again. 

“So why are you treating me like I am?” He was close to tears again but he wasn’t going to give his father the satisfaction. He just wanted to get out of this house and have the ground swallow him up and dump him back in his flat in London, but that obviously wasn’t going to happen right now. “The only reason I’ve been here for the past two days was for Mum—she wants to try to clean up this whole mess that you caused, but the damage is done in my mind.” 

“What damage are you talking about?” his father asked, and Dan couldn’t believe the stupidity of that question.

Dan coughed to clear his throat, he didn’t want his voice to betray him right now. “What you said and did to me after I was raped. You can’t take any of that back, you know. That did just about as much damage as the actual event did. I hope you realize that.” 

His dad visibly flinched when he used the r-word. “You have to think about how your situation affected us too! You don’t exist in your own bubble, Daniel, your actions have impact. We missed so much of your life for the last decade. We missed you graduating from medical school, for Christ’s sake. Our son became a doctor and we had no clue. This affected everyone else more than it affected you.” 

Dan felt his eyes widen in shock at what had just come out of his father’s mouth. “It affected you more than me? Are you kidding me? Did you think about what just came out of your mouth or did you just spit it out? Because that can’t be further from the truth. Were you the one who was raped? Were you the one who was put on a week long suicide hold afterwards? Were you the one who was forced out of his own family, the one who had all their money and their car taken away from them? Were you the one literally on your knees like a goddamned idiot begging your financial aid counselor to let you stay at university because your tuition wasn’t getting paid? You didn’t give a shit what happened to me, you just continually want to blame me for all of it, even the things you did. I’m surprised you didn’t go for the piano and sell that too, to be honest.” 

“Dan, stop, I didn’t mean it like that–” 

“No, you listen to me for once. How fucking dare you say that what happened to me affected you more than it did me. You changed everyone’s phone numbers, closed out my own bank account and took all the money from it, then moved and didn’t tell me where you’d gone to! That sent a pretty obvious message that you didn’t want me around anymore, don’t you think?! How was I supposed to know you wanted to come to my graduation?! You didn’t even know about it!” Dan was shouting now, not caring if he woke up his mum or his sister. “You made it perfectly clear that you wanted nothing to do with me anymore, and that’s fine. If you want to push your own son away, then by all means, completely cut me out of your life, because I’ve been doing pretty damn well for myself without you or Mum for the last ten years. I put myself through medical school on my own time and money. I have my dream job, I’m with an incredible man who adores me and treats me well, I’ve made my own family of friends at the hospital—hell, I even lived in Los Angeles for five years while I did my internship and my residency. If you want to be a part of my life again, it’s going to take a lot more than blaming me for something that happened years ago that I didn’t ask for.” 

Dan’s mum was standing at the top of the stairs, listening to their whole conversation unbeknownst to Dan or his father. She smiled a little at Dan through her tears when he rounded the corner after climbing up the stairs to his room. 

“Mum...how much of that did you hear?” he asked, hating himself for everything that just happened. 

She nodded. “Most of it. I just want you to know that it was your dad’s idea to cut you off after it happened. I didn’t want to, but he insisted. I let the car go without much of a fight, but I stood my ground with the piano. It meant far too much to you.” 

Dan leaned his shoulder against the wall and focused on a professional photo of the family they’d had done when Rebecca was two and he was twelve. They all looked so happy and perfect together, the complete and total opposite of the fragmented mess they actually were. “I know. I don’t blame you for that. I don’t blame you for any of this. This isn’t your fault. And I know we’re a lot alike in that you blame yourself for these things, but I promise you this has nothing to do with you. This is between me and him.” 

His mum was quiet, evening out the strings on his hoodie for him. She had a habit of primping herself or whoever was standing in front of her when she got emotional. When he was younger it annoyed Dan to no end. Right now, though, it was a comforting gesture that told him even though things were bad, maybe they could improve over time. “I um–I heard about your graduation right after it happened. From one of my friends who works at Manchester. She sent me the programme from your commencement with your name circled under the list of doctoral recipients. I still have it. It’s hidden in a shoebox somewhere so your father won’t find it. Magna cum laude, huh? Pretty impressive stuff, kiddo.” 

Dan knew that a “broken” heart was something extremely rare that potentially could happen, a condition which happens in response to a stressful situation where the muscles of the heart go into overdrive and work themselves until the fibers in the muscles tear. Right then he was sure it was happening to him. It felt like his heart was literally splitting in two. “Wow. I really messed up with that, didn’t I? If I had found some way to send you an invitation to come to my graduation, would you have gone?” 

She nodded fervently. “In a heartbeat. This has been your dream since you were four, Dan, and you made it happen all on your own. I am so, so proud of you, even after everything that’s happened between the three of us. But, I understand where you’re coming from as well. Your dad just wants what’s best for you, but I realize he can be unbelievably hard on the both of you. And you do get a lot of more of that tough love from him than your sister. You always have, that’s just how he is with you.” She cleared her throat and smiled up at Dan with watery eyes. “Enough of the sad stuff. Tell me about Phil, you said he’s a doctor as well?”

He couldn’t help himself from smiling genuinely for the first time since this whole ordeal started. “Yeah, he is. We met on my first day at the hospital. He’s so amazing, I don’t know where to begin. I’m so happy with him, he treats me so well and clearly cares as much for me as I do for him. I know I’m...a lot to handle, sometimes, but he has the patience of Job with me and takes it all in stride. We work so well together in both a professional sense and in a personal sense. He’s such an amazing doctor too, every single patient that comes in is personal to him. He has a vested interest in helping everyone who walks through our doors. It was unexpected, but there’s something really special between us. It’s like we were meant to be together.” 

“Do you think he’s the one?” It was a loaded question, but Dan knew the answer right away. 

He nodded, shyly looking down at the grey carpet and smiling so wide he was sure his face would split in two. “I think so. Give it a couple years but...yeah, I think he is. You and Becca at least will get invites to that, don’t worry.” 

Her smile matched his as she pulled him into a hug. “I’m still not completely on board with the whole thing, but at this point, whatever happens between the four of us, as long as you and your sister are happy and safe, that’s what matters to me.” Dan let go and leaned back against the wall, head reeling from the crazy roller coaster this night had become. “God, I hope she’ll be okay,” his mum whispered, wiping the tears away from her eyes.

Dan nodded. “She will be. I know Dad’s not the biggest fan of the idea, but in all seriousness, coming from someone who’s been through it and who’s a medical professional, get her into therapy as soon as you possibly can. I can refer her to someone if you need it.” 

Dan’s mum rubbed his arm. “That’s very kind of you, dear. Let’s work it out tomorrow. It’s late, and we’ve all had an emotional day.” She smiled slightly at Dan in lieu of saying goodnight and turned around, walking down the hallway to her bedroom. Dan was left standing there alone, still trying to work out what to do about the rest of the week. Directly across from him was a generic photo of the London skyline, and upon further inspection, the only photo that wasn’t a landscape or something similar was the portrait of the family from all those years ago. He was sure that must say something about his parents’ subconscious, but he didn’t have the capacity at the moment to consider what it could be.


	7. Sweet Creature

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _"When I run out of rope, you bring me home."_ \- Harry Styles

After the conversation with his mum the night before went so well, he didn’t have the heart to tell his parents to their faces that he wasn’t going to be finishing out the week at the house. He made up some stupid lie and left a note for them on the kitchen counter saying that one of his patients had taken a turn for the worse in the middle of the night and he needed to get back to London as soon as possible. It was a complete cop-out and he knew it, but he just wanted to feel like his normal self again. So, in a freak snowstorm that was very uncharacteristic for southern England, he left the house in the early morning before everyone else got up to make the two and a half hour journey to the airport.

Driving to the airport, he left the radio off and blocked just about every thought out of his head. His plane didn’t leave until eleven and it was only five thirty, but he didn’t care—he needed to be out of that house as soon as humanly possible. 

He’d left a note under Becca’s door with his phone number telling her that if she needed anyone to talk to, he was available and he would listen without judgement. He hoped she’d take advantage of it, especially after the incident with Erica the day before. 

Being a doctor, Dan always had a reasonable explanation for things that happened to him or around him. Most of his life was based in fact and logic, in things that could be proven or disproven with observations and tests. He maintained a modicum of control on almost everything he did, and even if he wasn’t in control over a situation, there were aspects of those situations that he did have the power to control. The situation with his family was one of the few situations he couldn’t control at all. He was doing everything he could to pretend he was fine, but his anxiety was through the roof. The only way he could control this situation was to remove himself from it because the only other option was going around in circles fighting and making up, just like the night before, until his head exploded. 

He also knew he wanted control over everything so no one else could fuck up any given situation, so that he knew for a fact everything would go right. So much else in his life had gone wrong when placed in the hands of others. He needed the control, especially after his assault, to feel normal again, to feel safe again, because it always seemed that when he handled things, everything went fine. 

That’s why Dan needed someone like Phil in his life. Dan was a control freak and he knew it, but Phil was the one person in the world who he could give up his control with. Every now and then, he could let Phil take the reigns. It was about taking small steps, and there were points where he struggled, but it was getting easier and easier every day. 

When Dan walked into the airport after what ended up being an almost four hour drive due to snow and traffic, of course, he saw Phil sitting on a bench near the ticketing counters.

“Phil? What are you doing here?!”

“Waiting for you, obviously,” Phil replied with a grin. “You were a mess the past couple of nights and I wasn’t about to let you travel alone, especially in a snowstorm.” He adjusted his glasses in that adorable way that always made Dan smile.

Dan shook his head. “You absolutely did not have to go through all this trouble for me.”

“Yes, I absolutely did. I love you, and you have no idea how happy I am to see you,” Phil said, leaning in to hug Dan tightly. 

“I love you, too. Thank you,” Dan replied into the crook of Phil’s neck.

After a moment, they pulled apart, and Phil’s brow furrowed. “I hope our plane isn't delayed because of the weather.”

“Let's go check and see, can't hurt right?” 

As they were looking for their flight on the screen, Dan saw someone walking towards him, a man who looked scarily familiar. A shot of ice ran through his system. He knew that face, those eyes, those lips, that body. It was _him_. 

“Phil, Phil, he’s coming. Oh my God, Phil do not leave me please stay right beside me,” Dan muttered, dropping the bag in his hand with a loud thump on the floor and grabbing Phil’s hand so tight he visibly winced. Phil seemed to sense what Dan was saying and moved closer as the tall blonde man with a big, wide smile approached them. 

“Dan? Dan Howell, is that you? How are you, I haven’t seen you in nine years!” the man said, going in for a hug, which Dan barely reciprocated. It made Phil’s blood boil that this man had the audacity to act like nothing happened, to casually touch Dan as if they were friends after he’d violated Dan in the worst way possible.

“Ten, actually, but who’s counting. I’m good, good, the usual I guess.” Dan looked like a deer in headlights; Phil could see the panic in his eyes. Even still, Dan was surprisingly coherent and was able to speak well despite the fact that he was internally spiraling out of control. 

“And who’s this? I’m Drew, Dan’s ex-boyfriend.” The scumbag extended a hand for Phil to shake, and it took everything in his willpower not to break Drew’s hand into tiny pieces in the middle of the airport. 

“I’m Phil, Dan’s current boyfriend. We work together at the same hospital.” Drew looked impressed and smiled a little impish smile at Dan. Phil couldn’t read him well, couldn’t tell if Drew knew that he had the upper hand over Dan or not right now. 

“Wow, you work at a hospital? So, do you work registration or something? Like, one of the boring jobs?” Drew asked.

Dan seemed to get his legs back under him when Drew asked that. Dan hated it when people underestimated him. “No, I’m actually a doctor in emergency medicine. Sorry to disappoint.” He finished his sentence with a forced laugh, his eyes darting everywhere but Drew’s. Dan was so uncomfortable right now Phil could literally feel it radiating off him and was surprised he hadn’t run out of the airport at this point. 

“Impressive! Doctor Howell, who would’ve thought. Little Danny’s all grown up now, huh?” His tone was starting to become condescending, as if he knew he had control over Dan again. 

Dan’s face twitched in between some kind of weird cringe and smile, his hands bunching into fists beside him. “Don’t call me that, you know I hate it.” 

Phil decided to jump in, trying his best to keep their interaction to a minimum. He’d seen that Drew had a ring on. “So are you married?” 

Drew’s smile grew genuine, and he nodded. “Yeah, I’m going on a business trip with my husband, so I should get going, but it was great to catch up with you, Dan. See you around, yeah?” Dan nodded numbly and muttered some kind of goodbye before Drew gave Dan another hug and walked away. Once Drew was halfway across the concourse, Dan let out the breath he’d been holding, his hands shaking as he carded them through his hair. He kept his eyes trained on the ground, the marble tile spinning under his feet. 

“Dan, look at me, are you okay? Are you going to vomit?” Phil asked, gently taking Dan’s face in his hands. 

Dan’s breathing was shallow, his brown eyes glassy, darting around and looking everywhere but Phil’s. “I, um, I’m not sure, can we just find a quiet spot for a second?” Phil nodded and grabbed Dan’s bag from the floor beside his feet, guiding Dan to a secluded corner of the airport where a bin was within an arms length. Dan leaned his back against the wall and slid down it as he shut his eyes, rubbing his temples and taking slow, deep breaths. “I’m not making us late am I?” he asked after a few minutes of tense silence, eyes still shut. The fact that Dan hadn’t vomited yet was a good sign, but Phil still felt his own fear and worry for his boyfriend working its way up his stomach.

“No, no, of course not. It’s only nine, our plane doesn’t leave until eleven,” Phil said, not sure of what to do. “I’m more worried about you right now. How can I help?” 

Dan opened his eyes and smiled weakly at Phil. His eyes looked a little clearer now; he seemed to be getting himself back together quite quickly. “Just stay close to me for the rest of the day.” He shut his eyes again and visibly shuddered. “Blegh, I feel so gross, like I need to take a shower right now or something. Just the fact that I let him touch me again makes me feel absolutely disgusting.” Dan leaned his head back against the wall and opened his eyes, folding his arms and staring at the ceiling. He was still taking deep breaths and he seemed to be counting to himself.

“We can go back home if you–” Phil started to suggest but before he could even finish his sentence Dan shook his head.

“No, we’re still going. I can’t let this ruin my life anymore than it already has. This is our one full week of this year off—we are _not_ spending it at our flat.” Dan’s tone had a finality to it that Phil knew meant Dan’s mind was made up. Dan sighed one final time and smiled at Phil again, a slightly more genuine smile than before. His facial expressions still looked painted-on, but he wasn't getting sick, which was an incredible step for him. “Here, hand me my bag. I dropped it pretty hard and just want to make sure my laptop’s okay. It’s brand new, I’ll be so angry if I broke it.” Phil nodded and handed Dan his black leather backpack. Luckily the computer was fine, but Phil knew the laptop wasn’t the real issue. Dan was trying to distract himself with the mundane aspects of travel day to take his mind off the encounter, a common coping mechanism among people who experience triggering events or panic attacks. 

Phil wasn’t a psychologist, but he could tell that Dan was still on edge even though he was acting like he was okay. The look in his eyes was the look he usually had for a couple seconds when there was a stressful case in the A&E before he slowed down and figured out what to do, except in this moment the slow-down wasn’t happening. His mind was still running a million miles an hour. Phil could tell that Dan was just barely concealing his panic by the way he was moving and looking around with stiff, almost robotic motions and trying his best not to make direct eye contact with anyone besides Phil. As they were walking through the airport, every now and again Phil would nudge Dan and remind him to think through what was going on around them, to think of the steps he needed to take to finish each task. Once they got to their seats on the plane, Dan visibly relaxed. He turned his head towards Phil and smiled, his genuine Dan smile this time. 

“This has been quite an eventful day, hasn’t it?” he asked, chuckling. “Thank you so much for being so amazing all day, I know I’m a lot to handle when I get like that but...yeah, I’m just really grateful to have you around. I don’t say that nearly as often as I should, but I want you to know that’s how I feel, even if I don’t say it.”

Phil laced his fingers in Dan’s and smiled widely back at him. “No thanks necessary. We’re a team, right? We handle everything together.” 

Luckily, the two hour flight to the Isle of Man was largely uneventful. Phil slept for most of the time while Dan watched a movie on his laptop. Once they got to the airport and disembarked, they decided to divide and conquer, Phil getting Dan's bag off the baggage claim while Dan hailed a cab a few feet away. He’d been a bit anxious about leaving Phil’s side for even that short amount of time, but a brief pep talk from Phil convinced him that everything would be fine. He would still be in Phil’s line of sight the entire time, and if anything went wrong, Phil would be right there to help. 

When Phil led Dan up the steps and through the door to his family’s home, the warmth extended past the physical feeling of the heat in the house. His mum practically threw her arms open and latched herself onto Phil, rocking him side to side, and she did the same to Dan even though this was the first time they’d ever met. “You must be the famous Doctor Howell! We’ve heard so much about you!” Phil’s mum said, smiling up at Dan with what could only be described as love in her eyes. “Take your coats off, stay a while huh? I’ve got dinner almost all sorted for later, go get yourselves settled. I’ll let you boys know when it’s ready.” 

After the day Dan had at the airport earlier, and the hellish two days at his own family’s home, the normalcy of the Lester clan was like a weird fever dream to him. He was exhausted and still felt like there was an invisible layer of disgusting dirt and grime on his skin even after scrubbing his hands for five straight minutes in the lavatory on the plane, but he was determined not to ruin what remained of their week off. After all the effort Phil had gone to, going back to London to meet Dan, and how well he handled his panic attack after seeing Drew again, Dan felt like he had to at least try to act like a normal person for once. 

Dinner with the Lesters was markedly different in all the best ways from dinner with his own family. Phil’s mum had gone out of her way to make something vegan for Dan, against his protests not to make a big deal just for him. Even still, the gesture was heartwarming and spoke volumes about the family dynamic. About an hour after Dan and Phil arrived, some other family started to pull up as well, cousins and and aunts and uncles and everyone else that Phil apparently hadn’t seen for a long time. There was actual conversation, no accusatory statements or stony silences thrown around like ammunition in the middle of thinly veiled compliments and attempts at being cordial. Phil and his brother Martyn cracked lighthearted jokes at each others’ expense, their mum laughing along with her boys and mediating when she needed to. One of Phil’s uncles kept asking Dan questions about his dissertation and working at the hospital, Dan answering with a few stutters and misfired sentences. It all felt so _normal_ compared to Dan’s family; it was almost too good to be true. Dan was sure the illusion would crack at some point, but it never did. The extended family came and went, giving Dan hugs, too, when they left, which made him feel truly accepted by them. Once everyone was gone, he breathed a sigh of relief. Phil wrapped an arm around his waist and pulled him close, the two of them sharing a quiet moment in the kitchen together. 

“You alright? That was a lot right off the bat, I know...” Phil said, trailing his fingers lightly up and down Dan’s back. 

Dan nodded and folded his arms after pushing up the sleeves of his plain black shirt. “Yeah, it was a lot, but I’m fine, don’t worry. I didn’t sleep that well after I called you last night, and I’m still a bit jumpy from seeing you-know-who at the airport today.” 

“I’m proud of you for how well you handled it though,” Phil said, and that statement was genuine. He’d seen Dan in much worse a state than he was earlier in the day, and even though Dan looked absolutely exhausted right now, he’d held himself together well. 

Dan sighed, carding his fingers through his hair. “I wasn’t like–too weird around your family, was I? I mean, I was trying to act normal, but I’m probably functioning on about half my brain right now, and your uncle or whoever kept asking me about my dissertation and I barely even remember writing it–”

“Hey, you were great just by being you, and if you haven’t noticed already, my entire family’s a bit on the awkward side. If you want to rest for a while my parents won’t mind at all. I dropped our stuff in the guest room, second door on the left. There’s an en-suite too, so you can shower if you want.”

“Wow, en-suite in the guest room, how swanky. That’s nicer than our bedroom at home. Promise you’ll wake me if anything fun happens?” Dan said with a slight smirk. 

“Oh, of course,” Phil joked, which made Dan’s smile turn more genuine. “Seriously though, go get some rest. You need it.” 

-

Later on that night, the door to the guest room was slightly ajar, and Dan’s even breathing could be heard from where Phil stood with a hot cup of tea in his hand. He couldn't decide if he should wake Dan up to come watch a movie with the rest of his family or let him keep sleeping, but he still set his mug down on the bedside table and knelt next to Dan’s face as he was making up his mind.

“Hey Dan? You awake?” he murmured, brushing some of Dan’s wayward curls off his forehead. “Everyone wants to watch a movie, and they were wondering if you wanted to come watch with us.”

Dan opened just one of his eyes and gave Phil a lopsided smile as he rolled onto his back and stretched out. “Sure, just give me some time to wake up. How long was I asleep for?” 

“A long time, just about five hours. Feeling any better than before?” Phil sat on the edge of the bed, smiling down at Dan, who lazily grabbed one of his hands and pressed a gentle kiss against the palm of his hand. It was the most physical contact Dan had initiated in a while, and Phil’s heart skipped a beat in his chest as if he were twelve years old with his first crush again. Random displays of affection were rare from Dan, his kind of love wasn’t a touchy-feely sort of love. His love was gestures and actions, he’d always said words rang hollow to him. Actions spoke louder than words, and even though the old adage was cliche, it was true. He rarely said the words “I love you,” but he didn’t have to; he showed how he felt by what he did for others, how he cared for them. From the first moment they met, it was obvious Dan’s affection for others was based in doing things for them that expressed that love, rather than saying how he felt. 

“Wait, I came up here at seven. If I was asleep for five hours, that means it's almost midnight. And we’re just starting a movie?” Dan said as he sat up. “I know you have a tendency to stay up until all hours, but did you inherit it from your family or something?” Phil raised his eyebrows with a smile as Dan stole a sip from his tea, which made both of them laugh. That was a common occurrence during their busy late-night shifts that faded into the early morning, when the sun was starting to rise and a weird sense of calm settled over everyone after the ridiculous night they had. Dan would walk past the desk and sneak sips of Phil’s coffee when he thought Phil wasn’t around to see. Phil always knew, but let Dan get away with it anyways, just because he was Dan. It made him laugh more than anything. 

Dan made a face and stuck his tongue out as he handed the mug back to Phil and stood up. “Gross, when did you start drinking tea?” 

Phil laughed a little at Dan’s reaction. “When you started drinking coffee again. Besides, I think you’re the only British person I know who doesn’t like tea.” 

“I like how you say that, but you also put almond milk in it because you know I’ll still try and sneak some from you no matter what it is.” 

“Yeah, you will, and this is generally the point when I remind you that you do, in fact, have your own drink somewhere around the hospital.” 

Dan smirked as he sat down next to Phil to tug his jeans back on. “Yeah, but I don’t have one _right now_ , so you see why choking down a sip of your tea was necessary.”

When Dan finally emerged from the guest room, the rest of the family was set up in the lounge, a nature documentary playing on the TV. There was enough space on the couch for the both of them beside Phil’s mum and dad, Phil sitting beside his mum and Dan settling into the corner with his legs draped across Phil’s lap. Dan only half paid attention as he scrolled through something on his phone until a section about sloths started. When the first sloth came on the screen he grabbed onto Phil and gushed about how cute they were and how badly he wanted to see a sloth in real life. 

A sloth that was hanging upside down and making funny noises came on at one point, which Dan seemed to particularly enjoy. “Hey look, that's me on our off days. I sit on our sofa and barely move all day long and just yell incoherently when I need something from you,” Dan said, pointing at the sloth on the screen. He then proceeded to lean closer to Phil and make noises like the sloth was. Phil laughed warmly at how he was acting and rubbed his hand up and down Dan’s shin fondly.

“You also tell me to get you food from the restaurant underneath our flat because you refuse to move from the sofa,” Phil said with a gigantic smile and then turned to his family. “He has me get it _delivered_ to our front door when I can just walk down and pick it up for him.”

Dan laughed and took Phil’s hand that was on his leg. “Oh yeah, right, like I'm gonna let Mr. ‘I have bad knees from being on my feet for twelve straight hours’ walk down three flights of stairs for some sweet potato fries? Not a chance.” 

Phil’s brother Martyn piped up from where he was seated in a far corner of the room working on his laptop. “The two of you sound more like an old married couple than Mum and Dad. It’s a bit sickening.” 

Dan went up to bed after the movie ended, a few minutes before Phil, half asleep before Phil had finished getting ready. When Phil climbed into bed beside Dan, he jumped a little, jolting awake when Phil climbed in beside him. Phil laughed at the way Dan sleepily looked around like a startled animal. When he realized it was Phil, he smiled and laid his head back down again. “I had such a great night. Your family is so easy to be around. You’re like, a real family.” 

“I’m glad you had such a great night, Dan. And I’m glad you’re here with us. Christmas will be so much better with you here.” Dan opened his eyes halfway and smiled. 

“I hope they like me,” he murmured before he closed his eyes and settled in to go to sleep. Phil chuckled quietly and pulled the covers over both of them. 

“I know for a fact they already love you as much as I do.”


	8. Die a Happy Man

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _"And I know that I can't ever tell you enough that all I need in this life is your crazy love."_ \- Thomas Rhett

The next few days were filled with family parties, gingerbread building contests between all the kids (with Phil’s parents as the judges), and so much love that it made Dan’s heart overflow with gratitude. Phil’s mum wanted to know everything about Dan’s time in Los Angeles, and his dad asked about how their year at the hospital had gone. In getting to know the rest of the family, Dan slipped into their dynamic easily. Martyn made fun of Dan, as any good older brother should, and both couples connected quickly. Cornelia and Phil decided that the two couples should get together sometime around Phil’s birthday, and it turned out that Martyn and Dan were quite similar in personality. Everything was so easy with the Lesters; Dan couldn't believe he’d gotten so lucky. He’d fallen into this incredible relationship and into the family he’d wanted at just the right time. 

It also made him wonder what had gone so wrong with his own family. This was how a family was _supposed_ to be. Being with the Lesters was bittersweet; they made him realize this is what he should’ve had all along, and it took him almost his entire life to find it. 

On Christmas morning when Phil walked down the stairs, Dan was standing in front of the coffee maker, waiting for his coffee to finish brewing and holding his back as if he was in pain. Phil stood behind Dan and gently placed his hands on his hips to knead his lower back. Dan smiled sleepily at him and leaned into his touch. 

“Your back is still hurting you...why didn’t you say something before we left?” Phil asked. 

Dan sighed. “Because it wasn’t bad when we left. I’ll call my chiropractor friend when we get home, I promise.” Phil knew that if Dan wasn’t saying anything about it to him, it wasn’t as bad as Phil was blowing it up to be. Dan wasn’t a complainer, but he always told Phil when he had a problem. 

Dan’s voice pulled Phil out of his thoughts. “I know I don’t say this often, but I love you so much. I hope you realize that.” 

Phil wrapped his arms around Dan, watching him pour some almond milk and sugar into his coffee. “I do. You don't have to say ‘I love you’ for me to know. You’re the kind of person who shows it more than they say it.” After a few moments of silence, Phil glanced at the clock and saw that it was just about four in the morning. “Merry Christmas by the way. We’re both still on hospital time, huh? If we were at home we’d just be getting in the car to head out.”

He took a sip of his coffee and shrugged. “Christmas has honestly just become another day to me. Not much to celebrate when you’re on the other side of the world from your family who hates you. Even in medical school I spent Christmas in the halls. When I was at Angels I spent my Christmases there.” 

“You didn’t go stay with Anne during university? I’m sure she would’ve let you.” 

Dan’s eyes seemed fixated on his coffee, watching the tiny whirlpool his finger made as it swirled around. “Anne’s family all live in Wales, so she goes there for the holidays.” He smiled back up at Phil and shrugged again. “We’re here now, though. That’s what matters right? It'll be nice to spend Christmas with someone else.” 

They sat in the lounge for a couple hours, both on their laptops with the TV turned on quietly until Phil’s mum woke up. When she walked into the lounge, she chided them for both being on their computers instead of talking to each other.

“Look at the two of you, it’s Christmas morning and you’re sat on the internet! Come on, both of you back upstairs so Father Christmas can deliver your presents,” she insisted, waving her hands for them to get up and shutting both of their laptops before they could protest. 

“Mum, it’s fine, you can put the presents out with us sitting here. All four of us kids are over the age of ten, we know Santa isn’t real.” Phil tried to reason with his mother, but she wouldn’t hear it. She shoved Dan and Phil out of the room while shushing Phil.

“No matter how old you are, Christmas should always be the most magical day of the year,” she insisted. “Now, go upstairs with Martyn and Cornelia and wait until we call you back down.” 

After a few more minutes, the four of them were called back downstairs. Phil did have to admit that seeing the presents appear under the tree was pretty magical. The presents were wrapped in brightly colored paper, six different kinds for each of the family members. Dan watched and smiled as Phil opened his presents. He didn’t really expect any as he and Phil had already exchanged presents before they’d left.

“Dan, there’s a present for you as well,” Phil’s mum said, pulling him out of his thoughts and handing him a parcel wrapped in paper as bright as all the other gifts under the tree. It was sturdy and slightly heavy in his hands. He knew it was a book as soon as it was handed to him, but it could’ve been something miniscule and he’d still love it. He stuttered out a thank you and turned it over a couple times in his hands, almost in tears over something as simple as a Christmas present. 

“Go on, open it,” Phil pushed quietly from beside him, a giant smile painting his features. Dan nodded as his hands made quick work of the wrapping, his fingers sliding under the tape to keep the paper itself intact. Inside was a popular cookbook full of recipes for vegan desserts, some of the pages marked with post-its from Phil’s mum of desserts that sounded particularly delicious. Years ago when Dan was living in Los Angeles, he’d bought himself the same cookbook, wrapped it, and put it under the tiny, cheap, fake tree he’d been able to afford. Even if it was from himself in his old shoebox of a flat, he’d still wanted to have something to open. When Phil said as much, Dan shushed him, still looking at the book in his hands reverently. 

“It’s fine, we can get rid of the other one. I needed a new copy anyways,” he muttered, still focused on the book as he slowly flipped through the pages Phil's mum had marked and tried not to cry. After a few seconds Dan remembered that there were, in fact, other people in the room, and he smiled and cleared his throat, looking back at Phil’s mum. “Thank you, this means more than you know.” 

As Dan continued to look over the book in his hands, Phil made eye contact with Martyn, who motioned to his left ring finger with a question in his eyes. Phil laughed a bit and shook his head, asking the same of Martyn, who did the same. At this point it was a race to see who would propose to their significant other first, and for the first time the idea of marriage didn't scare the daylights out of him. Sure, he'd thought he was ready when he and Josh were together, but Dan had shifted his entire world. Now he truly was ready, and he wanted it. With Josh marriage felt like the endgame, but now with Dan the idea of marriage was just the start.

The rest of the day was filled with more extended family, which was a bit anxiety-inducing for Dan. He made sure to stay close to Phil and tried his best to talk to as few people as possible. After a couple hours, he loosened up, trying to answer questions without stuttering or relying on Phil to answer for him. They set up for another movie after the slightly over-the-top roast dinner, something a bit more riveting than the nature documentary the immediate family had watched the night before. They hardly watched the movie, though, as the family kept sharing stories and laughing. 

“So there we are, we’re trying to get on our flight to London, and they scan Martyn’s bag and he’d forgotten about a pair of scissors in his bag, the entire rest of our family is sitting beyond security and our cousin is fuming as Martyn tried to talk his way out of being detained by American security!” Phil recounted, everyone laughing around them.

Dan made eye contact with Martyn, who was trying to keep a straight face, his cheeks reddening at the memory. “Should I tell everyone about the time you almost got struck by lightning on that same trip, Phil? He’d decided to go bear hunting in Florida and got caught in a rainstorm,” Martyn said.

Dan smacked Phil playfully with a gigantic smile on his face. “Bear hunting? In Florida? Really Phil?” 

“Really! I’d googled if bears live in Florida and hiked through the forest behind the house we’d rented to try and find them. I didn’t find any bears but I did see an alligator—that was pretty cool,” Phil said. 

“The cold you got afterwards from being in the rain wasn’t so cool,” Phil’s dad reminded him. “If you complained one more time on the flight back home I was ready to dump you out of the plane myself.” 

“I want to go on a trip with you guys now,” Dan said with a laugh, lacing his fingers with Phil's out of the family’s line of sight. 

“I've been on a Lester family trip, and trust me, they're wild,” Cornelia joked.

After everyone had left and it was just the six of them at the house again, it was late at night, close to ten. After a few more hours of talking and a few drinks, one by one everyone started to go to bed, until it was just Dan, Phil, and Phil’s mum still awake. After about a half hour of Phil’s mum barraging Dan with questions about Los Angeles and life in America, he decided it was time to turn in for the night. Phil followed Dan into the kitchen, shooing Dan away from trying to clean up the remnants of the snacks on the counter and insisting that he’d take care of it. Phil smiled and watched Dan climb the stairs, thinking about how grateful he was that Dan was able to come stay with his family.

“You really like him don’t you?” Phil’s mum asked from the door to the lounge, startling Phil slightly. “I haven’t seen you this happy in so long.”

Phil nodded. “He makes me happier than I ever thought I could be.” He looked at his mum, who’d sat at one of the stools in front of the island. “And I want to make him happy too, whatever it takes. Life hasn’t been easy on him, that’s for sure. His family isn’t very involved in his life, and there’ve been some other things that he's still feeling the aftershocks from ten years later. I want everything to be as easy as possible for him from now on. If he comes to me with something and we both decide it’s right for us, we’ll figure out a way to make it happen. If that means a wedding and a house of our own, kids, a dog or whatever, I’m ready for it. And I want that with him, I want a family and a wedding and everything else. Even if I never accomplish any of those big goals I came up with when I was younger–like getting published in an American medical journal or speaking at Harvard–at the end of the day I’ll still feel like the most successful man on earth because I gave the man I love the best possible life I could. As long as I have him, that’s all that matters.”

Phil’s mum was misty eyed when Phil looked at her again. “Listen to you, huh? You said last time I saw you that marriage is just a piece of paper.”

He adjusted his glasses and thought for a moment. He hadn’t been opposed to getting married in the past, he just hadn’t seen the point. Now that Dan was in his life, everything felt different. “Well, Dan has shifted my whole world...he’s who I want to spend my life with. And heaven forbid anything should happen to him, I want that legal protection too, y’know? I want to be able to sit by his bedside until they physically drag me out. Working at the hospital, I’ve seen too many people being turned away from seeing their partner who was on the brink of death because they weren’t married.” 

He paused again, reflecting on the insane year they’d already had. “We’ve been through a lot already, especially these last few months with his family coming back into his life. I know I'm not going to fix his family’s issues or his mental health by myself—I'm a doctor, not a miracle worker. I just want to make him happy and be there for him when he needs me. Life hits all of us differently and it’s hit him hard, but he keeps getting back up and helping everyone who can’t help themselves. You should see him with the patients, it’s incredible. He’s so good at what he does. He makes me want to be a better doctor and a better person.” 

His mum shook her head and sighed. “My Philly’s in love, huh?”

He nodded and laughed, cringing internally at his old nickname. “I’ve fallen head over heels.” 

“You should see if he wants to come to Florida with us next year. We’ll pay for your tickets.” 

Phil couldn’t believe his ears. “Are you sure, Mum? That’s an expensive flight.” 

“Phil, he’s family. Of course I’m sure. I want all four of my kids in Florida with the family.” 

He said goodnight to his mum after a few more minutes and climbed the stairs. He was surprised when he opened the guest room door to see Dan awake in bed on his laptop. “Hey, look at you awake past your bedtime,” Phil joked as he put on his pajamas. Dan laughed and nodded.

“I wanted to wait for you tonight.” He moved over a bit when Phil climbed into bed beside him and turned the TV on. 

They sat together quietly for a few minutes before Phil started speaking again. “So I was chatting with my mum, and she had an idea that I want to run by you.”

“Oh yeah? What is it?” Dan asked with mild interest, not looking up from his computer. 

“She wanted to know if you’d maybe like to come to Florida with us next year,” Phil said, trying to keep the question out of his voice.

At that, Dan looked up with a stunned expression. “What? Are you serious?” Dan shut his computer and cast it off to the side. “You can’t be serious.”

Phil nodded. “She said that she’d talk about it with Dad and see if they can pay for our plane tickets as well.” 

“Your family is so amazing, they don’t have to do that. We can more than afford plane tickets,” Dan insisted.

“Think of it as their Christmas present to you. We can talk about it more when we get back home, though. It’s almost one in the morning, and knowing you, it’s gonna take you at least forty minutes longer to wake up than normal because it’s a travel day.” 

-

The next morning, Dan and Phil both woke up early to catch their flight back to London. It wasn’t snowing nearly as heavily as the day they left, but everything still had a wintery glow to it. Phil’s whole family woke up around the same time to see them off, and Phil’s mum even took the liberty of making the two of them breakfast. Dan, of course, hadn’t done any packing beforehand, so he was running around like an idiot trying to make sure he had everything. 

At one point Dan was even stressing Phil out with his rushing around. He knew he could have a calming effect on Dan, so he stopped Dan in the upstairs hallway and had Dan look him in the eyes. “Hey, hey. Everything’s okay. We’re fine, we’re not going to be late. If we forget something, my parents can drop it in the post and it’ll be back to us in a few days. There’s no reason for you to be stressed out.” Dan nodded, taking a deep breath and letting Phil’s rational, calming nature relax him. 

“You’re right, you’re right. Everything’s fine. I don’t even know what time it is. What time should we leave?” 

“In a couple of hours. We have plenty of time.” 

“Okay, that’s fine, I can do that,” Dan said. “Have you seen the car keys?” 

“They’re in your backpack,” Phil called after Dan who was still rushing around. He seemed less paranoid now though, more like normal travel day jitters. Phil went downstairs and was greeted by his family, each of them acting like it was a normal morning, even though his mum seemed a bit sad. She always was upset when her kids left the house; she loved having them around and sharing in their happiness more than anything. 

“How is he?” she asked Phil as she handed him a cup of coffee. 

“Stressed. He’s normally a pretty anxious person, but travel day stresses him out ten-fold.” 

“Bring this up to Dan, maybe it’ll calm him down a bit,” she said, trying to hand Phil a cup of coffee, but Phil shook his head.

“Caffeine stresses him out even more. Let me see if I have any more of his vegan hot chocolate in my bag. I always have a stash for the hospital.” 

“Way ahead of you,” his mum said, opening one of the cabinets and handing him a packet of hot chocolate. “There’s still some almond milk in the fridge for him as well. I’ll make it, don’t worry. You’d better get back upstairs before he repacks all your stuff for you.” 

Two hours later, both of them were ready to leave for the airport. They said their final goodbyes, and while Phil took their bags out to the taxi, his mum motioned for Dan to come talk to her. She gave him another hug and then held him by the shoulders. “I hope we get to see you again soon, dear. Phil’s told me things at home are rough for you, but just know that you always have a home–and a family–with us.” 

Dan felt a smile spread across his face. “You have no idea how much that means to me. We’ll definitely try to be back soon, I promise.” 

Their flight landed that afternoon with no issue. This time, Dan slept on the plane, his head on Phil’s shoulder the entire time, which made Phil inexplicably happy. When they finally made it home, Dan’s first order of business was tossing his old copy of the cookbook in the recycling bin and replacing it with the copy he’d gotten on Christmas morning. Phil called Louise and caught up with her as he made dinner, and Dan put a movie on in the lounge. Everything was so relaxed and easy, and while Phil always loved being with his family, being with Dan in their own little home was the way he wanted to spend most of his time. At around midnight Dan turned in for the night, leaving the door to their bedroom open slightly, which was new. 

One in the morning came and went, and finally at one thirty Phil started to yawn and nod off on the couch. He decided it was time to go to bed, slipping through the opening in the door and trying his best not to wake Dan. When he was settled, Dan rolled over and smiled sleepily at him. “We should talk about Florida tomorrow. I wanna go on a trip with your crazy family.”

Phil laughed and brushed some of the hair off his face. “We’ll work it out in the morning, okay? Maybe even talk about saving for that trip to Japan we’ve been wanting to go on, too.”

“I’d love that.” 

Seeing Dan relaxed and happy over the past few days was a welcome change for Phil. All these months leading up to seeing his family again had definitely been wearing on him; Phil could see it. He was constantly in fight or flight mode when they were concerned, and maybe trying to make it work for that entire week was too much too fast. After everything settled down after the holidays, Phil would bring up trying to set up a time to get coffee with his mum or take Becca to the art museum that he liked close to their house and letting her stay the night. 

“Hey Phil?” Dan asked, Phil humming a bit in response. “When did you know that you wanted to be with me forever?” 

Of course that’s the kind of question Dan would hit Phil with at nearly two in the morning when they were both half asleep. “Probably when you spilled my drink at the restaurant on our first date. For whatever reason, that was the moment that I was like ‘Yep, I want to marry him someday,’” Phil said after a moment of thought. “My heart did this flippy over thing and the entire world seemed to stop and I couldn’t picture myself with anyone else. You?”

“When you didn’t leave,” Dan said simply. Phil sat up and looked down at Dan for an explanation, his fingers tracing over the soft skin of Dan’s back mindlessly. “The night when I had my big breakdown, you came back after I slammed the door in your face and tried to shut you out. I was convinced that you weren’t going to walk through that door, and that I was going to lose the best thing that’d ever happened to me. But you stayed. And you listened. And you took the good with the bad, and you tried your best to understand. You heard what kind of baggage I was carrying and you asked what you could do to help me lighten the load. And that’s something no one’s ever done for me before. When you just accepted me as I was and where I was in life, that was when I knew.” 

Phil chuckled and leaned down to press a kiss against Dan’s lips. “And I want to tell you–promise you–right here, right now, that no matter what obstacles hit us, for the rest of our lives I’ll be right here beside you and we’ll get through them together.”

They talked for a few more minutes, Dan falling asleep before Phil, and as Phil fell asleep, he finally made the decision he’d been thinking about for a long time. 

The next day, the jeweler was incredibly helpful, leading Phil to a set of beautiful rings, one white gold and the other black gold. “Yknow, usually I make wedding band sales _before_ Christmas,” the clerk joked as she rang Phil up at the till. 

He laughed. “I know. I probably won’t be making use of them for a while, but my boyfriend and I had a bit of an epiphany last night.” He hoped in the back of his head that Dan would like them as he went about the rest of his day while Dan was at the hospital. That night was definitely going to be a code black night, so Phil made sure to time dinner so that it was just about ready when Dan got home. 

When Dan came home to Phil’s happy voice and the smell of what he recognized as vegan Indian food, it felt like a glimpse into what their forever could be like. Their forever could feel like a normal life, one where Dan was just a regular person, not someone who was consumed by their past. Who knew what forever would hold for them, but in that moment, he wanted whatever it would hold with Phil. 

-

A few months later, Dan and Phil’s forever officially began. 

“Doctor Howell? There’s someone here to see you,” Louise said with a smug grin on her face. Dan smiled back at her and finished up with his patient, then followed her through the A&E. It was oddly quiet as they walked, especially for late afternoon. By that time it was almost always full of people, but today was one of the odd days where it was close to night time and it was still code yellow. He saw a few groups of the young residents and some of the nurses walking around treating patients, but no familiar faces. 

Louise kept looking back at him with that same smug smile on her face. “Why do you have that look on your face, what are you planning? Where is everyone?” Dan asked, and when she just turned around and smiled at him again, he got even more suspicious. She didn’t say anything and kept walking, leading him to the hallway where the staff room was, which was lined with other doctors and nurses who both he and Phil were friendly with. Dan started to laugh when he saw them.

“If you guys are trying to celebrate my birthday or something, I’m telling you, I don’t want anything,” he said through his nervous laughter. Anne stepped towards him and fixed the shirt he was wearing. 

“We don’t have anything planned, but someone very important does,” she muttered. “Now shut up and let him talk, Howell.” 

Anne shoved him into the staff room where Phil was waiting for him. “Hey, what are you doing here? It’s your day off this week.”

“I know this is a little odd, and that it’s my day off, but I had something I needed to talk to you about and I wanted to do this here,” Phil started. “I read a quote somewhere that said love meets you in your mess, and I think that’s true of us. Remember the first day we met?”

Dan laughed at the memory. “Yes, of course. When you were treating that little kid and you fell off your chair because you were trying to check me out?” 

Phil nodded with a gigantic smile on his face. “Ever since then, you’ve been the most important person in my life, the most important anything in my life. You've taught me what it means to trust someone with every ounce of your being and what it means to truly and deeply love another person. I never, ever thought that I would find someone who I love as much as I love you. You changed my whole entire world, Dan. And I have a very important question for you.” 

Dan gasped when Phil pulled a small velvet box out of his pocket. “Oh my God. Phil?”

Phil took Dan’s hands in his and got down on one knee. “Doctor Daniel James Howell, will you do me the honor of becoming my husband?” 

Dan laughed with tears in his eyes. “Shut up, there was no need to even ask that question. Of course I will!” When Phil slid the black ring onto Dan’s finger, everything felt right, as if this is how it was supposed to be all along. 

Anne was already crying when they walked out of the staff room, and when Phil nodded his head yes, there was a shout of joy from everyone around them. Louise demanded to see the rings as soon as Anne let the two of them go, and a few of their other friends hugged and congratulated them. Anne shooed them out of the hospital when everyone had calmed down and gotten back to work, insisting that they should spend the rest of the day together and that everyone else there could hold down the fort. 

Anne pulled Dan aside again after he’d gotten changed back into his own clothes. She hugged him again and held him at arm's length, still teary-eyed. “Call your mother when you get home. You haven’t talked to her in a while. And you better take care of him, you understand me? You’re both good kids, you treat each other well.” 

Dan nodded and chuckled, his eyes tearing up as well. “I will. I promise. Thank you so much for all you’ve done for me over the last eleven years. I know that I can’t ever repay you, but I want you to know that I’m forever grateful for you.”

Anne wiped the tears off his cheeks. “Don't ever thank me again. I have no children of my own, you’re the closest thing I've ever had to a son, Dan. I take care of you because you're family. Now go, Phil’s waiting for you.”

When they got home, as Phil cooked their favorite meal for them, Dan called his mother for the first time in two months. He was incredibly nervous to speak to his mum again, but Phil standing in the kitchen with him as the phone rang made him relax. “Hey Mum. It’s Dan. How are you? Yeah, I’m good, great actually. I’m sorry that I haven’t called in a while, things have been insane as always around here. Hey, is Becca around? I have something important to tell the two of you. Make sure Dad can’t hear us. Yeah, I can wait for a second.” He kept his voice as even as possible, his heart beating a bit faster in his chest with the excitement and anticipation of telling them. “Are you good? You're sure Dad isn’t home? Okay great, perfect. So, I called to tell you guys that I got engaged today. Phil proposed to me at the hospital.” He stood quietly for a few moments, mouthing to Phil that his mum was crying, which made Phil laugh. After a few more moments, he talked to his sister, who demanded to know exactly how Phil had asked and begged for Dan to send a photo of the rings as soon as they hung up. “Yes, I promise as soon as we set a date you’ll both be the first to know. Yes you can be in it, of course you can, you’re my sister. Becca, I just got engaged today, we have no idea what the date is yet. Becca–Bec–Rebecca, put Mum back on the line.” 

After almost a half hour on the phone with his family, Dan finally hung up the phone just as Phil was finishing dinner. “So, I guess the Howells are excited?” Phil asked in a joking tone, to which Dan laughed.

“Two out of three are incredibly excited. Jury’s out on my father, if Mum even tells him about it. Becca told me to tell you that she misses you, by the way.” The rest of the night was relaxing and full of love, the now fiancés eating dinner together on the couch while watching their favorite movie. Dan was nestled in Phil’s lap as they watched, a blanket wrapping the two of them up. Dan loved that he could feel Phil’s heartbeat and the rising and falling of his chest against his back, the steady rhythm of Phil’s breaths lulling him to sleep in Phil’s warm embrace after a while. While Dan slept, Phil couldn’t help but play with Dan’s left hand, twisting the black ring that he’d picked out. Dan had said that he loved it, that it was perfect, and Phil was relieved he’d gone for the plain black one instead of the diamond one the clerk at the jewelry store had almost talked him into. 

If this was what forever would be like, it seemed pretty incredible to both of them.


	9. Still Falling

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _"After all the crazy we've been through, every day and every minute it's something new."_ \- Hunter Hayes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Before we get to the end, quick little fun fact about this fic: I came up with the bare bones basic idea for this fic while I was sitting in the emergency room last December with a possibly broken hand after a car accident. In the original less than 5k draft I had of this Dan was a nurse and Phil was a doctor, and I just kept adding and adding until I randomly decided to sign up for PBB and here we are at a nearly 52k monster! Thank you all so much for sticking through to the end of this fic, this was truly a labor of love and I cannot wait to hear what you all think of this fic! Now without further ado here is the final chapter!

_Ten years later_

The plane started to dip slightly as it made its descent into Boston, Dan gripping Phil’s hand tightly. Taking off and landing always made Dan anxious, but this time he tried his best to keep his anxiety as level as he possibly could. 

“You okay?” Phil whispered in his ear, and Dan looked at him with a smile on his face and nodded.

“Yeah, I’m great. I’m fine. Just excited for you, that’s all. Worried about Clare too, I hope she’s alright,” he said, taking his hand out of Phil’s and fidgeting with the black ring he had on his left hand. 

“We’ll call her tomorrow. She usually does fine when we travel without her, and I’m sure this time will be no different.” 

“Yeah, I know, I just hate leaving her. You know how I am.” It had surprised both of them that Dan was the more overprotective parent of the two. Everyone had assumed Phil would be the one who would want to wrap their daughter in bubble wrap, but it was quite the opposite. 

When the pilot announced that they were about to land, he took Phil’s hand again, a little tighter this time. The plane bounced and jumped a bit as it landed, Dan jumping slightly with it. They sat on the tarmac for a few more minutes, the two of them admiring the Boston skyline from the window beside them. “Weather’s a lot nicer than London, even for the middle of November,” Dan commented. 

“I think everywhere’s weather is nicer than London no matter the time of year,” Phil replied, checking the time on his phone. The’d landed at eleven at night their time, but it was just barely six pm in Boston. Luckily, they had a few days to adjust to the time change, and even some time to sightsee after Phil’s speaking engagement. 

When everyone started to stand up and get their things together, Dan reached above them to pull a couple garment bags out of the overhead bin, handing one to Phil and keeping one for himself. Phil picked up Dan’s backpack and handed it to him, then shouldered his own as he stood up. They got off the plane, and the airport opened up to a beautiful, modern-looking terminal, plaques engraved with the names of various famous landmarks around the city on the wall. Dan made Phil stop and take a photo by one with ‘Harvard Medical School’ on it, Phil feeling incredibly awkward kneeling next to it and pointing at it like a nerdy tourist. When Phil said as much, Dan gave him a look. “Phil, you’ve been working for this for your entire career. We’re taking as many photos as you can stand to pose for. I’m sure your mum will want to see as much as she can of this trip as well.” 

“God, she cried for practically a half hour when I told her I’d gotten this,” Phil said with a laugh, taking Dan’s hand as they walked through the airport to customs. After making it through safely, they took the escalator down to international baggage claim. An older woman was waiting for them, her face lighting up when they appeared. 

“Doctor Lester! How are you? So great to finally meet you in person!” she said, opening her arms for a hug. “And who is this handsome devil with you?” 

“This is my husband, Doctor Daniel Howell, he’s the residency program director and the head A&E physician at our hospital,” Phil introduced, unable to keep the smile off of his face. “Dan, this is Gina Taylor, she’s the dean of external relations at Harvard.” 

“From the entire community at Harvard Medical we are so excited to have the both of you with us for the week. How was your flight?” she asked as the three of them made their way to the baggage carousel. 

“Long, but it was fine. I slept most of the time anyways. Dan was awake for most of it though, he’s worried about our daughter back home,” Phil said, watching as Dan heaved both of their bags off the carousel. When he got the bags off and brought them back over to Phil and Gina, he pulled his phone out of his pocket.

“If you’d both just give me a second, I promised I’d call my mum when we landed and I’ve got a bunch of worried texts from her.” He looked up at Gina with a slightly worried expression. “I’m sorry, I know that’s incredibly rude of me–”

Gina waved a hand dismissively and started walking towards the parking garage. “Don’t worry, I completely understand. I’m the same way with my own kids. The car’s parked just this way.” Phil and Gina kept chattering on about the flight and traveling as Dan talked to his mum, assuaging her fears and telling her that yes, they were fine and had both safely landed in Boston. When they stopped at a black SUV, Dan balanced the phone between his ear and his shoulder as he swung his and Phil’s suitcases into the boot. 

Gina chuckled. “He really does dote on you doesn’t he?” 

Phil nodded. “Especially when we travel for events like this. I always tell him he doesn’t need to do everything, but he won’t ever hear it. You should see him with our daughter Clare, though. She just turned two and she already has him wrapped around her little finger,” he said while Dan motioned to the garment bags in Phil’s hand. Dan laid the garment bags on top of the suitcases after Phil handed them to him and shut the boot. Before they got into the car, he said his goodbye to his mum and hung up the phone, pocketing it once more. 

“If you ever wonder where I get my nervous energy from, just talk to my mother for a few minutes. She said Clare was good by the way. She kept asking Mum to show her where we were going on the map,” Dan said with a smile on his face. He was incredibly grateful that his family life was a bit more normal than it was before. He still wasn’t on speaking terms with his father, and his parents had filed for a divorce two years ago, but he regularly saw his sister and kept in somewhat consistent contact with his mother as well. 

“Now, have either of you eaten? The board would love to meet you in person before your talk on Monday, Doctor Lester. I’m sure they’d be delighted to meet you as well, Doctor Howell. I've heard you both are big fans of sushi, so I went ahead and made us reservations at a great place in South Boston,” she said, navigating through the hustle and bustle of central Boston. The streets were alive with young professionals and college-age students ready to have a good time on the chilly Sunday night. 

“If it has a vegan menu, that’s always a favorite of ours,” Dan said.

“Are you both vegans?” Gina asked.

Dan shook his head. “Just me.” Phil looked out the window, admiring the scenery around him as Dan answered Gina’s question. The traffic was ridiculous, even worse than London it seemed, and at one point they were stopped practically bumper to bumper by what appeared to be a sports stadium. 

Phil tapped on the window and looked at Gina in the rearview mirror. “What is that?” 

Dan laughed and nudged Phil. “That’s Fenway Park. That’s where the Red Sox play.” When Phil gave him a confused look, he laughed again. “Baseball. Remember when we went to Toronto with your brother and Cornelia and we got those tickets to the baseball game? Man hits the ball, runs around the pitch, we all cheer and drink lots of beer?” 

Phil’s face lit up with recognition when Dan recited the stupid little rhyme they’d come up with at the game. “Right, okay. Sports really make no sense to me.”

After the half-hour ride through Boston traffic, Gina dropped them off at the hotel about five minutes from Harvard’s medical school campus. They checked in without a problem and found their room on an upper floor. From their vantage point, they could see all three of the hospitals in the surrounding area and the small mall beside them. Gina had said that in about twenty minutes she’d be back to get them for dinner with the board of directors. When they’d gotten settled in their room, Dan’s first priority was figuring out how the coffee maker worked. It was almost midnight their time, and they’d need all the help they could get staying awake. 

When Phil emerged from the bathroom in a blazer and slim tailored trousers, Dan couldn’t help but stare. The crisp royal blue shirt complemented his eyes nicely, and he smiled when he handed Dan his tie. “Can you help?” he asked, and Dan nodded with a similar smile on his face. When Dan finished, he stepped back and admired Phil’s choice of suit, murmuring ‘perfect’ under his breath and pressing a light kiss against Phil’s lips. 

“Your coffee is in the to-go cup with the straw in it,” he said, pouring three more sugars into his coffee on top of the two already in it.

“The way you take your coffee’s gonna rot your teeth someday, I swear,” Phil said. He kept fiddling with his tie and the collar of his shirt while Dan changed, emerging from the bathroom a few moments later dressed head to toe in black. Phil chuckled and fixed Dan’s collar after he tied his black tie. “Seriously, all black?” Phil asked.

Dan nodded. “Aesthetics never die, Phil.” He took a sip of his coffee and cringed at the taste. “Even with five sugars in it, this still tastes like ass. Should I go beg the kitchen for almond milk or should we see if there’s a shop somewhere around here?” 

“You should suck it up because Gina’s here to get us,” Phil said, his coffee in one hand and his phone in the other. He pocketed his phone and looked at Dan, his work face on. 

“Ready?” Dan asked, straightening out Phil’s tie and then his own in the mirror.

“Yep,” Phil said, opening the door for Dan and letting it shut behind them. “Got keys?” he asked, hitting the button on the wall to get the lift. Dan nodded, and they took a sip of their coffee in unison, Dan letting Phil into the lift before he got in. The short lift ride was silent, Dan taking Phil’s hand in his and twisting his silver wedding band slightly. 

Gina was waiting for them in the lobby when the doors slid open. They greeted each other once again, and Gina led them back to the car. It was another twenty minutes to the sushi restaurant, and when they arrived the board was waiting for them outside. They exchanged greetings and introductions, Dan painting his smile on as genuinely as he could and staying close to Phil. 

The chair of the board held the door open for them as they all filed in, being escorted immediately to a large, half-circular booth. Dan let Phil slide in first, feeling incredibly intimidated by the company they shared for the evening. Phil could tell that Dan was nervous; he never did like these kinds of business dinners. In an attempt to calm him down he started lightly tracing his fingers over Dan’s underneath the table, fiddling with his black wedding band when he got to it. Dan smirked and glanced at Phil out of the corner of his eye, turning his hand over and letting Phil tangle their fingers together. 

The group put their drink order in, and decided to order an an appetizer as well. They decided on a couple different dishes that included meat, which meant Dan would have to sit out on appetizers. When the food arrived, the only way to eat it was with chopsticks. Phil laughed as he tried to use them, finally turning to Dan.

“Can you show me again? I’ve forgotten since the last time we went out,” he asked as Dan nodded and grabbed his pair. One of the members of the board watched them from across the table, amused at how they were wrapped up in each other and their own little world.

“The fact that you’re left handed and that he’s right handed probably isn’t helping much, Doctor Howell,” the board member said with a chuckle. When Phil couldn’t quite get it just by Dan showing him, Dan took Phil’s fingers and gently showed him how to do it. 

“Doctor Lester, you developed a treatment for one of the rarest bone cancers in the world, but chopsticks confuse you. I'm sure you see the irony,” another member of the board said, which made the table laugh.

“Even when we went to Japan on our honeymoon, I couldn’t figure them out. I guess my hands don’t work that way.” He laughed. 

Dan piped up then. “Not to mention, he launched a sushi roll across an incredibly posh restaurant in West London with his chopsticks on our first date. That’s when I knew he was a winner.” 

“Hey now, ‘launched’ is a bit dramatic, it fell out of my chopsticks and rolled across the floor. You also seem to be forgetting that you spilled my cocktail on the floor and broke the glass it was in on that same date,” Phil retorted.

“So how long have you two been together?” the chair of the board asked after the group’s laughter died down.

“We just celebrated our seventh wedding anniversary on the 19th of October, and we’ve been together for ten years now?” Phil glanced at Dan with a question in his eyes.

Dan nodded. “Right before we got married his mum warned us that time would seem to speed up, and she really wasn’t wrong. Especially after we adopted our daughter two years ago.” 

The board chair nodded in agreement. “I believe it. My wife and I have been married for thirty years, and it still feels like the first. Now Phil tells me you’re the residency director at your hospital?” 

Dan nodded. “Yes, I was just promoted at the end of last year. I also do a lot of advocacy work for the Rape Crisis Center of England and Wales. We’re actually heading to Georgia next week to testify to the house about the backlog of testing there.” 

“Wow. Breaking ground in cancer research and changing American legislation, while running a hospital and raising children? You two are basically superheroes. Is there anything you can’t do?” the board chair asked.

“Use chopsticks,” they said in unison, making everyone howl with laughter.

“And you’re comedians too. I have to say, you are quite the impressive couple.” At that, Phil put his hand up for a high five, which Dan returned by fist bumping his open hand, their own stupid little inside joke they kept up. The rest of the dinner went well, and when they got back to their room Dan flopped face first onto their bed, still in his suit. 

“C’mon, go change, you only have two suits for this trip,” Phil said, pushing on Dan’s side after he’d changed into his own pajamas. 

“My suitcase is all the way over there, though. That’s so far,” he whined, pointing at his bag at the foot of the bed. 

Phil just rolled his eyes and pushed Dan again, who finally gave in and rolled off the bed to change. “I really hope we adjust to the time change quickly, I’m exhausted right now.” 

“Well we have to wake up stupidly early tomorrow for a tour of the school. That should expedite the process I’m sure.” Phil said as he pulled the covers back and got comfortable. He was half asleep by the time Dan was out of the bathroom, his glasses crooked on his face in the most adorable way. Even all these years later, Dan’s heart still did that little flippy over thing when he saw Phil, his quirky brand of humor and his endearing awkwardness making his heart swell even more. Watching him achieve all his dreams over the past year was the most incredible reward he could have ever asked for, and it still brought him just as much joy to introduce himself as Phil’s husband as it did the first year they were married. Never did Dan think his life would get to this point, so settled and normal, married with a daughter and potentially a son on the way. It had taken an incredible amount of work, and there were points when he didn’t think he could make it, but Phil was always the one who helped him pick himself up and keep going no matter what. 

-

The next morning, Dan was awoken by the smell of coffee long before his alarm started screaming at him. When Dan glanced at his phone, he saw that it was just past four in the morning, which was nine their time. He turned over expecting to see Phil still asleep beside him, but Phil had already woken up. A note in Phil’s handwriting beside a lone to-go cup of coffee on the desk said that there was almond milk in it, and when Dan took a sip, he smiled. He looked around and saw that Phil was sitting outside on the deck with his laptop on his knees, his own cup of coffee beside him.

“You found me some almond milk after last night did you?” Dan asked with a smirk on his face as he walked out onto the deck, kissing Phil good morning.

Phil nodded. “I asked the kitchen for some after I woke up this morning and surprisingly they had it.” 

Dan raised his eyebrows and nodded as he sat at the little table out on the deck beside Phil. “Little miracles like that make early mornings bearable.” His eyes were still slightly heavy, and he rubbed them with his hands to wake himself up a bit more. “Hey, Clare’s probably awake, we should see if we can FaceTime her or something.” 

“After you put on some jeans. Besides scarring our daughter for life, the entire city of Boston can see you in just your pants and hoodie right now,” Phil said without looking up from his computer, the reflection of his email in his glasses hiding his eyes from Dan. 

Ever the drama queen, Dan dramatically threw his head back and groaned. “Ugh, fine,” Dan groaned, hauling himself up out of the chair and wincing a bit as he cracked his back. 

“Hey,” Phil scolded with a smirk on his face, reaching out to take Dan’s hand. “What did we say about the back cracking?”

“Leave it to the professionals, yes I know,” Dan replied in the same tone, pressing a kiss against the smile on Phil’s lips. Foreheads pressed together, they both giggled and Dan kissed Phil again. 

“As much as I love kissing you, I do need to go put some jeans on, it’s getting cold out here,” Dan proclaimed. When he’d gotten his jeans on and walked back out onto the deck to sit with Phil, he finally checked his phone and saw he had a bunch of worried texts from his mother begging him to call her. “Jeez, I swear my mum is making up for lost time or something with the amount that she worries about me. You’d think I was thirteen, not thirty-seven,” Dan muttered before putting the phone up to his ear. 

“Is she convinced you died again like when we went to UCLA and you didn’t pick up your phone all day long?” Phil asked. Dan shook his head.

“Not this time luckily, I don’t think I’ll ever let her live that one down though.” Dan spent a few minutes talking to his mum and then the phone was handed off to Clare. As soon as he heard her tiny voice say ‘Dada,’ immediately Dan’s face lit up with a beautiful, gigantic smile that made Phil’s heart stop. Dan’s voice was bright and enthusiastic as it always was when he talked to their daughter, and who knew what she was saying on the other end, but Dan listened to her as if she were making complete sense in that moment just as Phil had told him to. After a few minutes of Dan talking to Clare, he handed the phone off to Phil so he could talk to their daughter.

Dan couldn’t help but laugh at how Phil talked to Clare. Most of the time his conversations were one sided, but he always adamantly listened to her toddler-speak. When Clare was a baby and they brought her out with them, Phil would hold her and debate the prices of different brands of food with her, talk at her about why he liked certain things, and ask her questions she couldn’t quite fully respond to. It was so precious to Dan to watch them interact. Phil had always been the more logical, “by the book” parent of the two of them, while Dan parented mostly on instinct and more or less completely disregarded the book Phil’s mum had given them on parenting. Seeing Phil just _be_ a dad instead of drowning himself in articles and books and videos on how to do it made Dan’s heart swell. 

When Dan hung up the phone after talking to his mum again, he hit Phil with a classic puppy dog eyes look. “Can we take Clare on our next trip? I miss her so much, and I know you do too,” he practically begged. When all Phil could do was sigh, Dan moved his husband’s laptop off his lap and sat in its place, slinging his legs sideways over one arm of the chair and wrapping his arms around Phil’s neck. He started whining a little and begging some more. “Please Phil? Please please please?” Phil laughed and shushed Dan, hugging Dan at the waist and sitting back so Dan was a bit more comfortably situated on his lap.

“Daniel, it’s five in the morning. We will talk about it when the next opportunity comes up, because you’re right, I do miss her. The furthest she’s traveled is to my parents’ house, though, and she cried the entire time. We have to remember that she's just barely two.” He rocked side to side a little bit with Dan gathered in his lap, a force of habit from the late nights holding Clare in his lap in the same way. They sat in relative silence for a while, the city they’d dreamt about visiting for so long now just barely waking up below them. 

After a few minutes, Dan sat up, holding his back and hissing in pain. “Hold on, let go for a second,” he said in a slightly annoyed tone, swinging his legs forwards again and holding his lower back. Phil moved his hands out of the way and pushed the hoodie Dan had on up a bit, kneading his thumbs into the soft skin of Dan’s lower back. 

“You really should call that surgeon back, Dan. It’s not getting any better. We can fit in a consult at Mass General while we’re here if you’d like. I’m sure someone at Harvard can pull some strings for you,” Phil murmured quietly in Dan’s ear and he nodded.

“This week is about you Phil, I’ll be fine. With my pain meds I already have and seeing my chiropractor, I think can just hold off for a few more months while I get things settled for next year’s residency program. I promise you, it’s not that bad,” Dan said. “I still have hundreds of applications for next year’s residents to review and emails to send to the people who got rejected.” 

“Did you email the yeses?” Phil asked.

Dan nodded. “I made sure I emailed all the accepted candidates before we left. I wanted to do the fun stuff first and then save the no’s for after.”

“I wish that’s how cancer research worked. Do all the fun stuff like the talks and jetting around the world and then do the actual research,” Phil said with a laugh, which made Dan turn around with a slight look of joking disbelief on his face.

“Don’t even pretend like the research wasn’t the fun part for you, you giant nerd.” Phil giggled and craned his face up for another kiss. While they both hated early mornings, they cherished them as well for the little moments like this. Their lives back home were incredibly hectic, and having these quiet, calm moments to look forward to was something they both loved. 

After they had finally gotten ready, it was close to seven in the morning, and Gina was already waiting for them in the lobby of the hotel. She handed them two ID cards with their names on them, which she instructed them to clip onto their pockets. 

The medical school building was a beautiful, modern building with large windows and glass panels everywhere. There was already a small group of professors gathered waiting for them, ready and eager to show off what their students were doing. Dan and Phil were both engaged and excited to see what was coming out of Harvard. Phil was particularly interested by the research and clinical trials being done in the cancer research center, spending a solid amount of time swapping jargon with a student going for her second doctorate. 

After the tour was done, they were whisked away for Phil to deliver his talk to the school community, alumni, and members of the public who had gathered to hear him.

After he was introduced by the head of the cancer institute, Phil waited for the smattering of light applause to die down before beginning his speech. He'd done this talk dozens of times, but this was the one time that he felt nervous to deliver it.

“About ten years ago, I met a young ballet dancer named Carissa when she came into my accident and emergency with a rather strange fracture in her left foot. If anyone else in the audience knows anything about ballet, specifically pointe, you know that breaking your foot on your first go onto your toes is a very uncommon injury. She injured her foot up in her second metatarsal, and only in that bone. It was a clean break, straight through the bone, no splitting or fragmentation to be found. That wasn’t the part that made the injury strange though. In the trip to St. Thomas’ from the dance school, about a forty minute drive, she had started to develop bone infection symptoms that weren’t there when she broke her foot.” 

Phil started getting into the medical side of what he and the research team at St. Thomas’ had discovered about this particular type of cancer, and as he listened to Phil deliver a talk he’d heard dozens of times, for the first time Dan started to well up with tears. He only half listened to his husband natter on about phenotypes and the genetic link between all the patients with this kind of cancer, his heart overwhelmed with pride at how Phil was in the middle of accomplishing his biggest dream. Sometimes Dan felt as if his own issues took up too much of their energy and time, but in that moment, he knew that they truly were a team. He thought back to Phil’s late nights at the hospital, the nights Dan walked into the office and found him half-asleep in his chair long after the research assistants and other doctors had gone home. He devoted a year and a half of his life to researching the cancer and finding people who’d survived it, and it was paying off in ways they never could’ve imagined. 

The day the breakthrough they’d all been so desperately chasing finally happened two years earlier, it was on par with their wedding day, in both their minds. Phil was sitting at the island in their kitchen late one night, papers spread out all around him with genetic codes of hundreds of people with this kind of cancer when he noticed it. 

_“I found it! I found it! I found the link!” he shouted, throwing the door to his and Dan’s room open, chest heaving from his dash up the stairs. He’d slipped once in his socked feet on the wooden stairs, but Dan didn’t need to know that. There were more pressing matters to attend to right then._

_Dan was sat in bed watching old Friends reruns on TV, an infant Clare finally asleep on his chest. “You what?” he asked quietly, then he realized what Phil was talking about. He stood up to meet Phil across the room with an astonished look on his face, shifting Clare to one of his hips. “You’re shitting me. Show me,” he said, following Phil downstairs to the kitchen after a moment._

_“Right here, this mutation on the DNA. Everyone who has this kind of cancer has this genetic mutation.” He showed Dan the highlighted portions of some of the samples spread out on the counter. “It causes bone marrow to weaken very slowly over time, and all of these people put tremendous strain on their bones, which causes the cancer to form in those weak spots. Think about it. Carissa’s a dancer, Shiri was a marathoner. All of these people are also marathoners or people who do crossfit or something else high-impact. Their bones were more susceptible to damage than average people like you and me. Add weakening bone marrow to running 26 miles in one go for years? You break your leg ten meters from the finish line and the cancer disguises itself as sudden onset bone infection. After we figure out who the mutation affects and test for it in those populations, we can find their weak spot like Carissa’s and Shiri’s. We can transplant the bone marrow before it becomes cancerous as opposed to afterwards.”_

The paper with Carissa’s genetic code from that night was framed in their house beside a photo of her dancing one of the leading roles in the Royal Ballet’s production of The Nutcracker, her first of many as one of their principal dancers.

-

Later on in their trip, Phil found himself in the same position, listening to his husband eloquently address the Georgia House of Representatives, trying to sway their votes in favor of a bill mandating the timely testing of all rape kits in the state. Along with other survivors and advocates, he was watching from a section up above the house floor with Dan’s phone positioned in his hand, on Face Time with Becca and her husband so they could hear as well. 

“I know that it’s difficult to care about all the numbers and statistics I’ve just given you without a human element to them. That’s why I’m here–to give this subject its humanity as well as present the numbers. My kit sat on a shelf untested for twelve years, allowing my rapist to walk free. For ten of those years, I walked through the world in a body that felt like a crime scene, a body that was no longer my own. Finally, when my kit was tested and the man who raped me was given his due justice, my story had a close to it. For the first time in twelve years, it felt like I could breathe again.

“Representatives, this bill is about far more than just boxes being cleared out of back rooms of police stations. This is the close of all these people's’ stories. This is people's peace of mind being restored. This is my sister’s story of her kit sitting for five years before it was legally destroyed without her knowledge, along with hundreds of other kits, because they were taking up too much room in an evidence locker at the police station, no longer being the norm. This is my story, this is my sister’s story, this is the stories of the people sitting in the viewing section from crisis centers and advocacy groups. Those white boxes are real people who want real answers. Waiting until your congressional session begins next year means another year of violent criminals walking your streets, and another year of survivors like my sister and me living in their crime scenes. And with that knowledge, I implore each and every one of you to please vote yes on HB-317. Thank you for your time.” 

Dan was escorted from the podium by a speaker’s aide and shown back up the stairs, where Phil was waiting to give him a gigantic hug. “I’m so proud of you,” he murmured, burying his face in Dan’s neck. He was careful not to cry as he handed Dan’s phone back to him, listening to him talk to his sister. 

Waiting for the votes to be counted on the bill was maddening. It was five minutes before midnight when the vote happened, as their bill was the last one to be voted on for the session. Dan was standing behind his wooden chair, gripping the back of it with white knuckles while Phil sat and watched both the house floor and Becca through Dan’s phone. Finally, after what felt like an eternity, the speaker of the house banged his gavel twice and called their bill for consideration.

Dan didn’t think he’d cry when the vote was announced, but hearing that the vote was a unanimous yes, he let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding and felt himself well up with tears of joy, throwing his arms around Phil. The representative who’d contacted Dan about this bill waved up to them and the entire house floor gave a standing ovation. Dan’s world seemed to still as he stared at the board on the wall. 167 yeas, and not a single nay. 

Phil shoving the phone into his face again pulled him out of his thoughts, his mother now on the other end wanting to talk to him. She was a crier, she’d bawled like a baby at his and Becca’s weddings and the first time she met Clare, but Dan never thought she’d cry at this. He had talked with her about a month before they booked the flights, and she didn’t seem to be in favor of him speaking about his past in such a public way. 

_“Are you sure, Daniel? If I were you I wouldn’t want everyone knowing about something so personal like this,” she said, handing Dan a pair of tweezers from inside a drawer. They were in the bathroom at his mum’s new house twenty minutes outside of London, two-year old Clare sat on the counter in the bathroom with a splinter in her foot._

_Dan nodded, kneeling down in front of his daughter to pull the splinter out. “Of course I’m sure. I’ve given this talk a few times already, and the representative I talked to on the phone said that this could be the final push they need to get this bill passed.” Dan’s attention was turned to Clare for a moment, who was crying after he pulled the splinter out. He wrapped his arms around his daughter and shushed her, rocking her back and forth, which helped her settle down. He stood up when Clare was quiet again, holding her while she played with a necklace that Dan’s mum had handed to her to help distract her a bit. “Look, I know that it’s hard for you to think about, even all these years later, and truth be told it’s still hard for me sometimes. It happened nearly twenty years ago and I had a nightmare about it just last night. But if I can help change things even the smallest bit so other survivors have a chance at justice, why wouldn’t I take it? If someone had done this for our county, maybe Becca’s kit wouldn’t have gotten destroyed. Maybe it wouldn’t have taken so long for mine to get tested.”_

_He looked down at his daughter, who had laid her head against his chest, her tiny hands still playing with the necklace. His mum smiled softly at her child and grandchild. Dan had fallen into his role as a father so easily, and he doted on his little girl like his mother had never seen. “Even though she’s adopted, she looks like the two of you. She’s got Phil’s eyes and your hair. Her laugh sounds like yours when you were little too.”_

_Dan nodded. “Did you know that she was our sixth child? It got to the point that Phil and I stopped telling people, that’s why it was kind of a surprise when we called you about her. After the fifth one, Phil was absolutely devastated. He didn’t get out of bed for two straight days, didn't leave our house for a week, wouldn’t eat, wouldn’t do anything really. I’d never seen him like that before, it was heartbreaking. He wanted to be a father so badly, and every time a child fell through I just had to keep reminding him that our daughter was waiting for just the right time to come into our lives. It was almost like coping with a death each time we heard ‘no.’ We were about ready to fire our adoption counselor because so many had fallen through, and then she handed us one last file. We fell in love as soon as we saw her photo, and after a few weeks, she was ours. I was petrified the first day she was home with us. She was so tiny and fragile that I was afraid I’d break her if I held her wrong, but Phil was so at ease and comfortable. He was in his element. We finally thought that we were home free, that our family was set, but then we got a phone call from our adoption counselor. There was some kind of legal technicality in her adoption agreement, so her birth parents had seven months to decide if they wanted to change their minds. All day long on August 8th, it felt like we couldn’t breathe. The two of us were up at midnight and awake until one in the morning, we were so scared that the phone would ring, but it never happened. Phil cried himself to sleep that night he was so relieved.”_

This relief they felt now wasn’t on the same plane as their relief that night, but in Dan’s mind it was a close second. The last ten years of their life as a family had its highs and lows, and moments where they’d felt like they’d lost everything. But moments like their wedding, Phil’s talk at Harvard, and the bill getting passed made the bad times fade into the background. Without the struggles, they never would have happened upon their strengths.

_“Real love doesn't meet you at your best. It meets you in your mess.” - J.S. Park_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One final time: If you are going through any of the topics in this story, please know that there are resources for you to reach out to should you need them. You are not alone. 
> 
> Rape Crisis of England and Wales: www.rapecrisis.org.uk/rapecrisisspecialistservices.php  
> RAINN: www.rainn.org/about-national-sexual-assault-telephone-hotline  
> Trevor Project: www.thetrevorproject.org  
> Heads Together UK: www.headstogether.org.uk  
> Young Minds UK: https://youngminds.org.uk/  
> Hope for the Day US/worldwide: www.hftd.org

**Author's Note:**

> Please let me know your thoughts! Drop me a line in the comments here or at starboydjh.tumblr.com!
> 
> I also made a playlist of the songs that all the chapter titles are, if you search _code black pbb 2017_ on spotify you should be able to find it


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